But when she finally looked at me, my heart dropped to my feet. Her eyes were red-rimmed and wet.
"What's wrong?" I sat beside Zara, unable to stop myself from grabbing her hands. Her fingers felt cold and stiff.
Unable to stand it, I finally uttered what I had been dreading to acknowledge. "You're leaving me, aren't you?"
My voice was quiet and strained, but it still did not match the level of devastation I felt. Zara's head reared back in surprise, and she stared at me in confusion. "What?"
I swallowed back my fear and forged ahead. "I heard you on the phone with Bronwyn."
Her smooth brow wrinkled. "What do you mean? When?"
Christ, I was really going to confront this head-on. "After our Valentine's dinner. I-I didn't mean to listen, but your voice carried down the hall and it just…happened."
Zara's eyes were wide with shock, her face even more pale than before. When she opened her mouth to respond, I held up my hand to cut her off.
"It's okay. I shouldn't have been eavesdropping." Although I was so fucking glad I did.
"What–what did you hear?'
I closed my eyes as I recalled the worst day of my life. "I heard you telling Bron how you understood why she left your dad. That you were sick of being disrespected. That you…that you wanted to leave me, and that you thought your life would be better if you were a single mum."
She drew her hands out of mine and twisted them onto her lap. Her breaths were coming out in hurried slopes. "I'm sorry you heard all that. I was frustrated. I was angry and hurt."
I glanced at her, trying to catch her gaze. "So you didn't mean it?" I gently pushed.
Her breath suspended briefly before she gave a quiet sigh. "You know my complicated feelings about my mum leaving dad when I was a kid. I was angry at her for so long." She shook her head before she glanced towards me. Her smile was sad.
Over the years, she would mention how she wished she and her brother hadn't been children of divorced parents. How her whole life was upended, and that the majority of the blame went to her mother for initiating the divorce. Even though Zara and Bronwyn were super close, there was always a generational hurt that lingered between them.
"But when I look back at it now," she continued. "I remember my mum being so chill after the divorce. I'd never seen her look or act so happy and stress-free."
Zara wanted that for herself. I knew, without her saying it, that she craved happiness again. She wanted a life that didn't stress her out and make her sad—a husband who didn't act selfishly and completely disregard her feelings. Knowing that I was the alternative she wanted to avoid, cut me really deep.
I licked my dry lips as I searched for the right words. Even though we were sitting side by side, our outer thighs touching, there was still a distance that kept us emotionally separated.
"Your dad...fuck. It kills me, Zar, because your dad is bloody useless. Sorry! But he is. You don't have much of a relationship with him, and it kills me because I know I'm not like him."
"No. No, you're a wonderful dad to our girls."
"But I'm a shit husband to you."
She sighed tiredly as she picked at the material of her jeans. "I'm exhausted from carrying the emotional labour of everyone. I'm tired of sounding like a nag."
"You're not a nag, babe. Far from it. I'm the child who –" I stopped myself and shook my head. "No, actually, I'm worse than a child because Iknew. I knew that you hated me coming home late without calling you, and I knew that you hated repeating yourself when I could just check the calendar. I took for granted that you would be there to take care of our household, the girls' activities, schoolwork, plus ensure that you and I always made time for each other. I knew all that, butinstead of making life easier for you, I made it a burden." My voice cracked, and I had to physically sit on my hands to avoid reaching out to Zara.
"I'm sorry, Zar. I'm just so sorry."
She sniffed, her hand coming up to wipe at her eyes. "I'm sorry you overheard my conversation with Mum. I should've just talked to you."
"But you did, babe. You did try and talk to me, over and over."
She peeked up at me, the beginnings of a smile flirting around her mouth. "Is that why you've been so...helpfullately?"
My mouth curved in a wry grin. "At first, yes. I love you so much, I didn't want to lose you. So I was willing to do anything and everything to win you back, to forget about leaving me." My intentions weren't exactly altruistic to start with. They were performative, without a true understanding of what my wife did to keep the cog in our home life moving.
"At first, I tried to fill in the gaps when needed, before I learned through really observing you, just how you kept everything afloat. Then, something changed for me on a profound level. I'm not only doing this so you won't leave me. At first, I did," I confessed. "But it's so much easier and better when we work together as a team. Zara," I finally reached out and cupped her soft cheek, my thumb brushing her tenderly. "I love and appreciate you."
Her eyes closed, and when she opened them again, they glimmered with relief and happiness. "Thank you."
