I heard the panic in his voice, but I cried anyway. "I know," I sobbed. "I just thought . . . ." I couldn’t stop crying, so he held me while I let it all out. I was mentally exhausted.
He rubbed my back and tried to calm me with reassurances that he wouldn’t leave me.
"Jocelyn," he said as he stroked my cheek, "I want to be here for you. I can be whatever you need. You shouldn’t be doing this alone."
"I wanted to tell you," I cried. "Really, I did, but you were so far away, and then when I heard what you told Evan when he thought Cali was pregnant, I panicked."
"Evan told you what I told him?"
"He didn’t know I was pregnant, and he was telling me how wonderful you were through it all, but you told him the baby was a complication he didn’t need and a huge responsibility."
"And that was true," he said. "In Evan and Cali’s case. I wasn’t speaking for us."
"What makes us different?"
"I’m older than Evan, so I can provide for my child. I’m in a better position."
"But I’m not."
"You can do whatever you want to do, Jocelyn." He released me and sat back, holding my gaze with his. "Just because you’re having a baby doesn’t mean your life is over. You have me, and I have very supportive parents. You can start college as soon as you’re ready."
"I don't think that's gonna happen." I had too many other responsibilities now.
"No, your life isn't over," he said again. "We’ll work it out if you want to go."
"I can’t really think about that now," I said. "I have so many other things to decide." I liked the idea of having the option of attending college later, but right now, I couldn't deal with the idea.
"What can I help you with?"
"I’m just happy you’re here and you know," I said. "It’s a huge relief. I thought you’d be really mad."
"I’m not mad you’re pregnant," he said. "You didn’t get that way by yourself, but I’m still a little disappointed you waited so long to tell me."
"I know," I said. "But I can’t change that. All I can say is I was doing what I thought was right at the time. I still don’t expect anything from you. I know I made a big decision for both of us, but I can take responsibility for this."
"That makes me mad," he said. "We can’t go back, so I’m not gonna dwell on that anymore, but the part about you not expecting anything from me . . . . Why would you think I’d walk away from this?"
"We weren’t together that long," I whispered.
"No, we weren’t," he said. "But didn’t you think I’d be man enough to handle this?"
"I knew you wouldn’t deny me, but I didn’t want you to leave Connecticut because you felt you had to. We talked all the time about that internship. I knew what it meant to you, to your future. I was wrong, but I wasn’t sure you . . . ."
I stopped, unwilling to mention the fact he'd never told me he loved me, that I had no idea whether he cared for me that much or not. And I sure as hell didn’t want to tell him that I loved him. I’d already thrown so much at him, and I wasn’t forcing any declarations out of him. He’d have to tell me when he was ready.
"What weren’t you sure about?" His tone reflected growing impatience.
"It doesn’t matter," I said. "You’re here now, and I hope you can forgive me, and we can move on."
"Just promise me we won’t have any more secrets," he said. "I want to be part of the rest of this pregnancy."
"I want that too." I smiled. "Sorry I lost it a few minutes ago. I do that a lot these days."
"It’s okay." He stroked my cheek again. "Let’s see if we can stop making that happen so much. I want you to be happy."
"I’m just so afraid," I said, but it was nice being able to talk to him about these things.
"I’m a little scared myself. I’ve never been in this position before. I mean, a baby, that’s really big."
