Amelia nodded and pressed her lips together. “Okay.”
“Could we do that? Talk without sniping or fighting?”
“I didn’t set out to deceive you, Jo. I need you to know that.” Amelia took a careful step forward. “The first night in the dark room, when I realised who you were, I should have walked away. I should have turned the light on and ended it before it could start. But I didn’t. I—” Amelia’s voice broke again, and Jo saw the glint of fresh tears in her eyes. “I was selfish,” she whispered. “Because for the first time in years, someone made me feel alive.Youmade me feel alive. I didn’t want to let go of that, even if it meant doing something I knew I’d regret. Icouldn’tlet go of something that had brought me joy for the first time in…what? Over twenty-five years.”
Jo listened, her arms crossed tight against her chest, her guard firmly up.
“Would it be okay if I sat down?” Amelia exhaled a shaky breath, not moving an inch until Jo nodded and followed her to the couch. “Thank you.”
“Is everything okay, Amelia? You seem…terrified.”
Amelia stared straight ahead, focusing on the blank TV mounted to the wall. “I told myself it was just sex, and that the anonymity made it okay. I told myself that you were getting what you needed, and so was I. But then you started talking and telling me things, and I just kept pretending, because I was too much of a coward to tell you the truth.”
“So, why are you okay with offering me the truth now?”
“Because I’ve lost you anyway,” Amelia whispered. “I’ve losteverything, including myself. Who I was building myself to be. The life I had. The happiness I’d taken so long to find. I’ve lost it all…because I couldn’t bring myself to show you who I am outside of a dark room.”
“Why couldn’t you?” Jo shifted a little closer. “You knew I was attracted to you.”
Amelia side-glanced at Jo. “We’d talked about it, but from where I was sitting, there was always a reason or an excuse. You’d flirt…and then you’d backtrack. You’d say things in one breath, and then something different in the next. To me, because of my past, I took that to mean one thing. You didn’t wantallof me. You just wanted… I don’t know. A fling, some fun, whatever you want to call it. Even when I used Callum as a reason for us not to be together, that was nothing more than an excuse.”
“Your past? I don’t understand…”
Amelia lowered her chin to her chest and sighed. “Please, don’t make me go over it tonight. My own son has just told me what he thinks of me, and I just…I can’t go back there right now. It’s taken me so long to find myself, and I fear that I’m already losing my grip on who I’ve become.”
“None of this makes any sense.” Jo’s brows drew together as she rested her hands in her lap. “You keep talking about who you’ve become and whatnot, but I only know this.You. Who you’ve been since we met.”
“And it’s taken me a long time to be that person, Jo.”
“Then can I at least give you my thoughts on it all?” Jo asked, dipping her head to meet Amelia’s eyes. “If you don’t want to go back to your past, will you listen to my present? My…reality?”
Amelia chewed her bottom lip as she nodded.
“I hated you for what you did,” she admitted. “I still do in some way.”
Amelia’s shoulders folded in on themselves. “I know. I don’t blame you.”
“But I also hate how much I miss you.” Jo slowly placed a hand on Amelia’s knee. “What you did hurt me. It felt like you’d made a fool of me, and you’d played me for your own amusement.”
“It wasn’t like that.” The pain in Amelia’s voice took Jo by surprise. “Jo, I was falling for you. Ihavefallen for you. And that terrified me more than anything. Because if you knew it was me…if you knew I was the woman behind the curtain, you would have run.”
“I…don’t know if that’s true.” Jo hadn’t wanted to say that out loud, it made her extremely vulnerable, but she had to. She’d promised herself she wouldn’t hurt Amelia for what she’d done, and she’d meant it. “I think that maybe if you’d told me from the start, then we’d still be here, just without all the heartbreak.” Jo looked down, rubbing at her wrist. “But then again, maybe IneededLia to be able to fall for you. Maybe I needed to learn how to feel safe again in the dark before I could even comprehend someone in the light.”
A single tear slipped down Amelia’s cheek.
Jo exhaled slowly and shifted closer again, close enough to hold Amelia if she wanted to. “I’m still angry and confused, and I’m not promising anything.”
“I wouldn’t ask you to,” Amelia whispered. “I don’t expect anything from you other than to be kicked out of here once you’ve said what you need to say.”
Well, Amelia was about to get a shock. As was Jo when she put this out there. “But I’m not ready to lose you either.”
Amelia’s bottom lip quivered as more tears fell. “W-what?”
Jo gave a small nod, her vulnerability on the line here. While she didn’t quite trust Amelia fully now, she knew most of their time together had been genuine. And Ada had been right. Johadconsented to being at the club, regardless of who was in that dark room. She couldn’t let Amelia take the fall for everything, but the lies…she could potentially let go of.
Jo tentatively reached out and rested her fingers against Amelia’s wrist. The contact was brief, fleeting, but it shattered something in both of them. Amelia’s hand turned instinctively, palm up, seeking more.
“I want to try and understand you, Amelia. I want to understand why you did what you did, and why it feels so fucking hard to hate you when I should.”
