Malachi was vibrating with fury and transitioned to his full demon form, hulking over the annoying angel seated before him. “I AM NOT A SETBACK!” he roared, heedless of who could hear him now. “She doesn’t deserve to be a pawn while you monitor some stupid little game. I thought you were family, you winged freak! Don’t you care?”
Rising to his own considerable but in comparison still shorter height, the angel tilted his face up to meet his flaming gaze. “Nick. My name is Nick. And yes, I care. The real question, Malachi, is doyou?”
Taking a startled step back, Malachi stared uneasily at the angel, then recovered his demonic bravado. “Nick?” he repeated incredulously. “Seriously? Whoever heard of an angel named Nick? Is that short for Nicholai? Nicaroni?” He grinned cheekily and wafted his much larger wings.
Sighing, as his hair fluttered back, the angel rolled his eyes heavenward. “Puppy’s got jokes. Look, milk-bone breath, I asked you a simple question. Do you care about Kelly?”
Holding back surprised laughter at the angel’s witty comeback, Malachi studied the glowing jerk. Slowly, his grin fell, and his eyes heated with the seriousness of the answer. “I do, Nicky. I love her.”
“There you go!” Nick applauded. The clapping was obnoxiously loud and seemed a bit sarcastic if Malachi was allowed to judge. It stopped as abruptly as it started. “Well, if you love her,youtake care of her. Don’t break her heart.”
Now, Malachi was shocked, taken aback that Nick apparentlywantedhim to stay with Chuck. “I don’t get it.” He shook his head as confusion filled him, making his skin tingle. “Why are you encouraging me—a demon—to stay with her? With Chuck? She’s half-angel, shouldn’t you be smiting me? Warning me away from her?”
Nick waved a palm negligently, blowing a rude noise through his lips. “But don’t you see, Malachi, that’s exactly why! Because you aren’t just any demon, are you? You’ve developed feelings. Youcare.You prayed to us to watch over her. Which means you’re coming to the light side. We believe everyone can be redeemed if they just ask forgiveness, even demons. You were born into this life, but you have the capacity to change. So, who better to protect her than someone who will sense supernatural dangers and acton her behalf? Added bonus, if you continue to help her with upholding their human laws, you’re doing the work of Heaven as well!” Nick beamed from ear to ear in a way that faintly reminded Malachi of paintings he’d defaced in a museum once.
“So…” Malachi furrowed his eyebrows and shrank back to human form. “You want me to stay with Chuck because you want me to protect her and keep being her K-9 partner. And you think it’s a win for Hea… Hea…” He rolled his eyes as he grunted and pointed up. “Your people, because I—a demon—would be doing good deeds, is that what I heard, Nicholas?”
“In a nutshell,” agreed Nick happily. His icy blue eyes were twinkling, and Malachi was certain his hair was now glittering as a silver halo formed around his head.
“Cut that shit out,” Malachi grumbled in disgust, narrowing his eyes. “You look like a cross betweenTwilightand a Hallmark movie.”
Chuckling, Nick waved a hand in front of his face, and his visage returned to normal. “You’re no fun,” he snorted. Then he straightened and clasped his hands. “So, do we have an accord? You’ll protect Chuck, take care of her, and I won’t smite you?”
Grunting in disbelief, Malachi propped his hands on his hips. “One little problem there, Nicodemus.”
“It’s not… never mind,” Nick groaned and shook his head, accepting defeat. “What?”
“Hyacinth, my commander. He’s going to kill me sometime between now and probably Friday. Gonna make Operation Chuck Watch a tiny bit harder.” Malachi held his thumb and pointer about half an inch apart, squinting at the angel through the scant space between his fingers.
“Not a problem.”
A growl slipped out in exasperation. “I find it to be a problem. A big fucking problem, Nicco. So, what do you know that I don’t?” Malachi demanded, then held up a hand. “About this specific problem, smart ass.”
Grumbling under his breath, Nick finally narrowed his eyes and repeated, “No fun!” Then he heaved a sigh and waved his hands, chanting muffled words that sounded like a cross between a Gregorian chant and something from a Monty Python skit. A sparkling, hazy purple cloud flew from his fingers and wrapped around Malachi like a shroud, encasing him in suffocating lilac smoke.
“Ow!” Malachi snapped as the shimmering cloak closed in on him, squeezing firmly until it popped and sank into his skin. “What the actual fuck, Nicorette?” he shouted, dancing around, shaking his limbs, trying to get the heavenly unicorn fart out of his body.
“Nick!” the angel snapped. “It’s Nick!” Then he stopped and leaned back, a chagrined smile over his lips as he realized Malachi had finally succeeded in getting to him. “But you knew that.”
Malachi winked conspiratorially, then sobered. “Seriously, though, what was that?”
The ground under their feet shook and trembled, bubbling like a tar pit, and smelling like the lower depths of a peat bog on fire. From the ground rose the bulbous and wrinkled form of Hyacinth the Destroyer. His arms were crossed, his claws clenched, and he looked downright pissed.
Angels are Kind of Jerks
Tapping his wrinkled toes, which looked for all the world like wriggling worms trying to escape, Hyacinth glared in equal parts disgust and distrust at Malachi and Nick. His shoulders shook with anger, causing dirt to patter on the ground where it sank into the still bubbling mud pit at his feet. The strong smell of floral decay wafted through the air, displaying Hyacinth’s displeasure at the situation. “Malachi,” came his gravelly rumble as his yellow eyes darted suspiciously between the pair. “Care to explain how in Lucifer’s saggy ass cheeks you came to be consorting with a whole damn angel and are now marked as an upper H-town sacred guardian?”
“I’m not entirely sure, oh awful one.” Malachi bowed to the ground before the filthy demon. “I was coming outside to call on you, report progress, and this winged freak appeared, threatening to smite me. I was prepared to fight ferociously, but he cast some spell over me. It burned like Hellfire within my veins, and then you appeared. I haven’t had time to properly curse this foul fiend for what it has wrought upon me. No doubt, I should rip him to shreds for this vile abuse.”
Nick, for his part, bowed sarcastically during Malachi’s exaggerated protests but kept quiet, simply nodding when Hyacinth turned towards him. When it was clear Malachi’s mock outrage was spent, he began his own flowery rant. “It is true, damned abhorrent beasts! I caught this one sneaking about in the garden and demanded to know his dastardly plot. I was preparing to smite him fully when I learned of an even fouler plan involving the child of grace and light inside, and this demonic smirch upon the world. He is not aware, it seems, that you were planning to sacrifice him and the angel child both in a bid to wrest power from our fallen brother.” His eyes blazed with Holy righteousness then, daring Hyacinth to contradict him.
Malachi gasped dramatically, feigning surprise at this revelation.
Hyacinth took a faltering step back. “What?” he thundered dramatically. “I know of no such… oh fuck it.” His shoulders relaxed, and he shook his head. “Fine. Yeah, I was gonna kill that whelp and the angel bitch.” Ignoring Malachi’s sputtering indignation, he waved his grimy claws in a shooing motion. “I mean, you have to take opportunities when they come. I get you interfering, but what’s with the guardian cloak?” He squinted suspiciously at Malachi again; clearly, he thought the demon had requested it.
Shaking his head with a bewildered expression, Malachi held his palms out as innocently as a demon could and turned to Nick. “I was just trying to find that out myself. What gives?” he demanded, trying not to laugh as he finally realized what the angel had done.
“We have declared that woman to be sacred property of Heaven and assigned this demon to be her guardian. He must protect her from all foes, holy or damned.” Nick nodded with pious righteousness.
