“Okay,” I murmur.
“And for the record, I’ve never thought about those passes or placed any of the blame on you. Zah, you were never my issue.
“I was hurting so much, and I didn’t know how to be the man I promised your daddy and mine I would be. Every time I tried, I said the wrong thing or did the wrong thing. And I’d start a fight, it was my childish way of trying to pull my foot out of my mouth.
“Baby, none of that was on you. That was some shit I spent eight years working on. First alone, then I got some help—Garret, your mother, mine, and my therapist. They were there for me to work through my shit.
“I never even thought about those passes if I’m being honest. I can’t believe you’ve thought all this time that I was angry with you. I’m so sorry, Zah.”
“For what?”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t what you needed when you needed it. I’m sorry I couldn’t see past myself. I’m sorry that after doing all the work, I fell back into my own bullshit and fucked us up all over again.”
“I could have stayed,” I murmur.
“No, you were right to leave me. I’m questioning now if I deserve you. That’s why I want us to go to counseling.
“I can want you, but that doesn’t mean I deserve you. I’m here to do the work with you this time. We got a hell of a bad hand. We were kids and had the rug pulled out from under us.”
“You can say that again.”
“It feels like I’ve spent more of my life grieving than anything else. First, the loss of our dads, then the loss of you. I’m thirty-one, Zah.
“I want to stop hurting. I want you. I can’t have you thinking that the moment something gets hard between us, I’m going to bail or make shit weird.
“I also want to free you of this guilt. It’s not real. It has no root.”
“But—”
“No, baby. Our dads could have been going anywhere together. You remember how they would sneak out together for ice cream or milkshakes when our moms were on diets?”
I nod and smile. The memory hits so hard I almost gasp. We used to tease them about it all the time.
“See? The only person I used to blame was that trucker and I had to let that go and forgive him. That shit was eating me alive.
“Baby, I was a twenty-one-year-old kid watching his girlfriend’s world crumble around her, while losing his dad, his best friend. My dad meant so much to me. I felt guilty for not knowing how to be a shoulder for you to lean on when you were losing way more than I had.
“You’re so strong, Zah. I may not even deserve you today, but I’m going to make myself worthy if you will have me. And once we’ve done the work—and we both know I’m worthy of your time, heart, and love—then I’ll do everything in my power to make the dreams we used to talk about come true,” he says like a promise.
“You know what’s crazy? In hindsight, I can see everything we did wrong. It’s like watching your favorite movie and yellingat them to get their shit together, but they can’t hear you,” I say into my lap.
“I know exactly what you mean. So many times, I’ve wanted to come back to you and say so much, but I knew I wasn’t ready. I didn’t have the right words.”
“Do you think we’ll find those words now?”
“Yeah, Zah, we’ll find them because I’m not whole without you. We have so much to fight for this time.”
I scoot closer to him and push my hand through the front of his thick locks. It all falls right back into place, bringing a smile to my face. He cups the side of my head and leans in to capture my lips.
I moan into his mouth and wrap my arms around his neck. It feels like coming home. This is where I’ve always belonged.
“I want you so much right now. If you want to wait, say the word. It’s your decision.”
“Thank you for acknowledging my feelings, but I’ve wanted you since you showed up. I’ve missed you so much, babe,” I say.
“Thank God,” he groans.
He stands with me in his arms, and I wrap my legs around him. Bentley continues to devour my mouth as he carries me to my bedroom.
