“No, Bentley, I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m leaving.”
The scowl falls from his face and then the blood drains from it. He looks at me like he’s lost or lost for words. I’m so drained I can’t think about his feelings and mine anymore, or which he’s settling on.
“What do you mean you’re leaving?”
“Things haven’t been right. I talked to my adviser, and we spoke with my professors. Given the circumstances, most of my professors agreed to allow me to take my exams early.
“I’m just going to take whatever grade I get for the class I was denied a final for. I’m going home. My mother needs me and you and I need to take a step back before we ruin the friendship we have,” I say.
“Friendship,” he scoffs. “I thought this was more than a friendship.”
“It is, but is it worth losing everything we are if we keep going like this?”
“How is this not ruining us?”
“Bent, you have your team. You’re moving soon. You wouldn’t be here with me anyway.”
He stumbles over to flop down on the couch beside me. Dropping his head in his hands, he sits silently for a few beats. I swipe at my tears as my heart slowly crumbles.
“What happened to us getting through anything together?” he chokes out.
“You’re not allowing me to be in this with you. The more I try, the more you push me away. I’m tired, Bent.
“You’re not the only one hurting. I think … I think I’m saving us. We can’t keep going like this.”
“So you’re abandoning me?”
“What? I’m not … how could you say that? I lost my father too. Have I forced you to only see my loss? No, I’ve been here for you.
“Draft day, I was by your side. When I saw the look on your face as your name was called and you looked to those two empty seats, I held my shit together and poured everything I had left into you.
“Then I cried that night because I not only missed my dad but yours too. I cried into my palms while hiding in the bathroom, so I didn’t steal your night. Bentley, I lost my career, my scholarship, and my father in what feels like one breath.
“I’m not abandoning you. I’m trying to save what’s left of myself. Leaving you is taking from me the only thing I have left.
“I have nothing,” I sob-yell. “But I refuse to be nothing. If I stay, that’s what I’ll be. Nothing but your emotional whipping post.”
“Zah, baby, I’m sorry. I know I’m not handling this right. I … where are you going?”
I shake my head and limp to the door. I’ve made up my mind. My mother needs me, and I deserve better.
This isn’t the man I love right now. I can only hope he heals and returns, but this toxic loop we’re in, it’s not for me.
“We both have a lot we need to work through. I don’t think that can happen while we’re together. As your friend, I’m always a call away. As your girlfriend, I hope we can find our way back someday.
“I love you, Bent. You go make your dream happen. You give them hell. I’ll be watching.”
With that, I leave before I’m not able to. This is the second hardest thing I’ve had to do. Burying my father was the first.
It feels like nothing will ever be the same. I make it to my car and fall apart behind the wheel. I sob so hard I think I’m going to throw up.
Bentley
The door clicks shut,and I feel like my life has just walked out of that door. I want to be angry at her, but I can’t be. Everything she said was true.
“I’m sorry,” I sob into the empty space.
It’s happening again. I can’t say a word to Zah without putting my foot in my mouth. I never mean for us to get into fights, but I just can’t find the words for what I’m really trying to say.
