“I canfeelher, Malek. She is not gone. She sacrificed herself for me, for all of us, and I am not just going to let her go! I should have protected her! I failed her then, but I am not going to do that again. Iwillget her back.”
Malek shook his head.
The door to my room opened and Lydia came in.
She noticed the silent stand-off between me and Malek. She spoke softly, as if she was scared to set me off. It didn’t take much these days to make me lose my cool.
“We are just concerned about you, Auretheos. You aren’teating and sleeping enough. She sacrificed herself so you could have a life. She loved you and she wanted you to leave this temple and finally live a life worth living. She—”
I had heard enough.
“What you don’t seem to understand is that there is no life for me when she is not in it. So you can either help me and find a way to bring her back, or you need to get the fuck out of my way and let me do it by myself.”
I slammed the door shut behind me and made my way back to the temple.
I needed to find a way to get to her.
* * *
I was standing in the middle of my library, again. The smell of smoke, burned leather, and dampness was still clinging to the air, even though 8 months had passed since the attack on Lumoria and the temple. A huge part of my book collection had been lost to the fire, volumes full of centuries-old knowledge. I had started right away to re-write the books, the content of each pager sealed inside my brain.
But it was tedious work and took way longer than I would have liked. It would take me centuries to restore the library to what it had been before. Before. It seemed like this was a word I used too often now. My whole life was measured in “befores.” There was a life before Maelis, but it seemed inconsequential now.
But now there was only before I failed her.
Before I had readily believed the worst of her when every instinct should have told me to trust in her.
Before I lost her and myself in the process.
I sighed and sat down on my desk in the center of the library. Truth be told, I wasn’t getting much done in the way of restoring the books because I was still consumed with the thought of getting Maelis back somehow. I had an endless supply of knowledge at my disposal and still I couldn’t figure out why I could still feel her around even after all those months.
It was easier for me now to put my books down and join my friends for dinner. I managed to sleep more, I went back to exercising and had even gone on a little trip with Lydia to Maelis’ hometown. But the ache in my chest, the yearning and the denial of what had happened were still as prominentas they had been this first day.
The edges weren’t as sharp anymore, but there was never an hour when I didn’t think of her.
* * *
Maelis
There was nothing but white light around me. As if I was floating in a river made of bright white smoke, weightless and carefree. There was only my body. Nothing left inside of me, no pain or joy, no needs, no duties. It reminded me of the times when I was a child and would fall asleep on the sofa while my parents were talking and laughing together in the kitchen.
I could hear their voices, I could feel the soft fabric of the sofa underneath my face, and I could smell my mother’s cooking in the kitchen, but my mind was blank. Back then, sleep had enveloped me like a veil, quieting my thoughts and gently pulling me into a blissful sleep. But I wasn’t sleeping now and I wasn’t surrounded by my family.
I didn’t know how long I had been here, but I knew it was not where I was supposed to go. There was something I needed to do, but I couldn’t remember what it was. So I closed my eyes, a feeling of peace and calm surrounding me once more.
* * *
Little pin pricks ran softly over my skin. The white smoke around me latched onto my skin, tickling and teasing me to ease out of my dreamy state. I tried to resist, the quiet calm of the never-ending river of thoughtlessness was calling to me. I didn’t want to think or hurt or feel, I just wanted to lose myself in the endlessness that had become my reality. But there it was again, this sense of something tugging at my skin, my bones, my hair…
I opened my eyes for the first time in Fates knew how long. A string of thoughts ran through my head, so quickly passing me by that I couldn’t be sure it had been there at all. I sat up abruptly, realizing that I was surrounded by the white smoke and countless mirrors. There was no reflection in the mirror, as if I simply did not exist. I was air and smoke and nothingness and nothing more or less. Behind the mirrors, I spotted a young woman, she smiled at me.
“Hello, Maelis, the wordsmith. Come and sit with me for a while.”
I got up on shaky legs, but there was no sign of any part of me in the mirror. I walked over to the woman and sat downon the ground opposite of her.
“Who are you and why am I here?” I asked.
She smiled. “I am not a who, nor are we truly here. We are somewhere in between. And neither are you someone, right now. You just are, until you aren’t anymore.”
