“So, you think Momma wants us to move back to Dunsberry?”
“I don’t just think it. I know it.”
Johnny looks at Bubba. “Bubba?”
Bubba groans. “We’re hiring movers this time. I’m not packing all that shit up again.”
“We ain’t moving nowhere,” Johnny says.
“Last I checked, I’m the family psychic. I would think if anyone knew whether or not we were moving, it would be me. It’s like Ladonna said, family is supposed to stick together, and your family is struggling. They’ve got all this land needing to be tended, and not a strapping young lad in sight.”
“What about you?” Johnny asks.
“As I told Ladonna, while I am a strapping young lad, I do not do manual labor. I’m sorry, Johnny, but there are lines, and that crosses every single one of them.”
“Fuck, I missed you,” Johnny says, cupping my cheek.
“I’m very missable, as are you, and as is Bubs, but that’s hardly the point. My point is, your family needs help, and we’ve got the manpower to provide it.”
Johnny shares a look with Bubba, and their faces slowly fade. “Fuck. Ez. I think we’re waking up. We’re just outside Arkansas. We’ll see you tomorrow.” He takes a step back, and then he smiles at me. “You never told us, you know.”
“Told you what?”
“You said you were going to tell us something tomorrow, but then you went and got yourself kidnapped. What were you going to say?”
I swallow thickly, wanting this astral walk to end so I don’t have to answer this question. Finally, I open my mouth to say the words, but Bubba and Johnny vanish from in front of me, dissipating like a morning fog after the sun comes out to play. For a moment, I let myselflinger on this starry highway, where my boyfriends’ energy still fills the air.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow isn’t far. Like the little pauper in that musical once said, it’s only a day away. Less than that, because it was already night when I fell asleep. If they wake up right now, they’ll be on their way. They’ll be here in a few hours.
They’re on their way. They’re coming to find me.
Footsteps echo from behind, and a chill runs up my spine. Her hand touches my shoulder, and every semblance of strength still in me fades. I feel her. Her presence. The familiar burst of warmth across my chest.
“Barbara?” I whisper, too scared to look back.
“Hi, baby,” she whispers, her voice sounding familiar, but not quite the same as it usually does. Usually, I simply feel her voice, but now I hear it, and it seems so familiar, I can almost place it. I don’t think I need to place it. I’m pretty sure I already know who she is. “I’m sorry I went away.”
“Where were you?” I bite my lip to stop it from trembling. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too, Ezzy,” she whispers. “I know this is difficult, but can you look at me, sweetheart?”
I bite down harder on my lip, because it won’t stop shaking. “I needed you. I needed you these last two weeks more than I ever have, and you left me all alone.” My voice cracks. “I know it’s not your fault, but you left, and now I don’t know who I am anymore.”
“I never meant to hurt you. I didn’t want to go. I just don’t know how to do this next part without hurting you. I don’t ever want to hurt you, Ezra. You know that, don’t you?”
Her arms wrap around from behind, and when I look down, I can’t choke back my sob. They’re the same shade ashers.
Swarm of pinks and reds, and the most stunning shades of purple.
Mom.
“It’s okay,” she whispers, but it’s not okay. “I made a promise to you once. I told you I’d always be with you, but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.” Slowly, she takes a step back, then turns me around until I’m facing her.
I watch as her starry skin takes shape, shifting from pinks, purples, and reds, to the softest shade of cream. Her curly, brown hair flows halfway down her back, and life returns to her face. She’s smiling through her tears, and I can tell she’s hurting. I can tell how tired she is, because it looks like it’s taking every ounce of her strength to hold on. I need her to be stronger. It isn’t time for her to go. I can’t do this next part alone.
“Oh, Ezra. You don’t know how long I’ve wanted this. To see you face to face. To see the man you became.” Her hands cup my cheeks, and she presses the softest kiss on my forehead. “I am so, so proud of you. Everything you’ve gone through—the things you’ve had to do to stay alive—I never wanted this for you. I didn’t want you to have to hurt so bad.” She sniffles, and a tear falls down her cheek. “I let you down. I should have left your father the first time he hit me, but I kept thinking it would get better. That we would get better, and we’d be happy. I cost us everything. Our whole life together.”
I shake my head fiercely. “Don’t ever blame yourself. Ever.” I take a step forward, just wanting to be as close as I can get. I touch her face, because it’s right there, and I’ve wanted to feel my mom for as long as I can remember. To know her warmth and love firsthand, but I guess I’ve known it all along. I just didn’t understand it for what it was. “You’ve been my best friend all my life. When no one else loved me, you did. You and Austin. On the nights I couldn’t stay with him—when I had to do all that stuff I didn’twant to do—you were there in my heart, warming me up inside.” It’s my turn to get choked up, and I have to force myself to swallow to get the lump out of my throat. “Please, don’t go. Just stay. I’ll be good, okay? I’ll be the best son you could’ve ever hoped for, just don’t leave me again. I’ll be good. I swear.” I bite my lip, and the confliction in her eyes is tearing me up inside. She wants to stay. She doesn’t want to leave, but I can see her light fading, little by little. She’s tired. “Mommy, please. Don’t leave me.”
