To protect himself, he couldn’t fall back down that rabbit hole. Corbin ran once, and he’d run again.
“I’ll carry this one,” Alex admitted. “I don’t want you to have to look at me every second of the day and hurt. So, you were right to push me away. I’ll fall on my sword for you. You should have another partner, Corbin, and you should forget about me and what happened.”
Corbin didn’t want that.
“And if I don’t want another partner?”
It didn’t matter.
“I quit. I’m packing this up, and going back to DC. I own my house, so I can do what I need the next few months until I have to find a job. I can’t do this anymore,” he admitted. “I had two good partners. One I said nothing to, and one I remind of his dead husband. There’s nothing left here for me,” he admitted. “The universe hates me, and I can’t fight anymore. I’m emotionally empty.”
Corbin knew he had made a mess out of this.
“So, just be safe out there, Corbin. I don’t want to hear you got hurt. I hope you find your way through this. I won’t get in your way. Will was a lucky guy to have you. I hope he knew that with the years he had with you. To have what you both have, I’d sell my soul and die for it. That’s how valuable love is to me. It’s a commodity that I can’t afford.”
Corbin went here.
“I don’t want you to quit.”
He laughed.
“Well, I already did, so…”
Corbin tried.
“Don’t quit. Be my partner. I don’t know if we’ll survive this together, or it’ll be a clusterfuck, but give me a chance,” he said, not missing the irony that Will had once begged for him to fight for them, and now, the shoe was on the other foot.
He stopped him.
“I can’t, Corbin. I can’t be your partner, have sex with you, and then hope that one day you’ll wake up and see me. I’m tired of being invisible. I can’t risk that you’ll jump in, and then jump out because one day I put butter on toast the way your dead husband did. I can’t live in the shadow of the love of your life. I know that you’re just out of my reach. I can’t replace your husband. I can barely be Alex on a good day, and to think that you’re only with me because I remind you of a dead man…”
He took a breath.
“Corbin, I can’t love myself, so I’ll never be able to tell you what you need to hear. I’m a bad bet, so I’m going to give you what I can. I’m going to leave.”
Corbin went there.
He kept fighting.
“You don’t know what tomorrow will bring, or if it will change everything. I was wrong, Alex. It did change everything for me.”
He said nothing.
“You’re my soulmate,” Corbin said. “I can feel it in my chest,” he admitted, taking the risk unlike the last time. With Will, he waited weeks, when he knew in seconds.
Corbin knew again.
This time, he’d be honest.
“You’re meant to be mine. I know that this is meant to be. Don’t throw it away. Give me a chance. Dig deep, and find a little more hope. I’ll foster it, and I’ll feed it. I’ll help it grow. I’ll protect it and you while you get stronger so that we can have something worthy of love.”
He wanted to in the worst way, but he couldn’t bear being hurt anymore.
To him, it was all pretty words, and nothing more. He’d seen the anger last night when he told him it changed nothing, and he couldn’t do that again.
“I can’t make that decision now. I’m too emotional. I can’t give you any more of me. There’s simply nothing more left to give.”
Corbin hated that he’d hurt this man so much that he couldn’t even muster one more chance.
