He was only doing this to keep the peace. If it were up to him, he and his father would have very little to say to each other. Just like he would have very little to say to Timothy if he had still been alive.
The weight of his past was weighing him down, and it was seeping into his personal life. Oh, and that was a problem for Ethan. Still, he couldn’t get out from under it.
Call him Grudgy McGrudgerson.
That was his other name.
Wyler saw the look. Oh, if he’d gotten that look once, he’d gotten it a million times from Ethan over the years they’d seen each other in his son’s youth.
“What?” he asked. “What did I say that pissed you off now?”
What didn’t he say?
That was the point.
“It would be nice if the man who made me, and didn’t want me, was proud,” he said. “Not the man I was pawned off to, who fucked me up even more.”
Oh, Jesus.
This powder keg was huge, and there was a match.
Wyler sat there.
At first, he was going to say nothing, but he was running out of time. Soon enough, there would be a bunch of nothingness from him.
So, he spoke his peace.
Let the powder keg blow.
“What do you want me to say that I already haven’t?” he asked. “I don’t know how to make amends to you, Ethan. I get it. You hate me. I know I’d be better off dead and out of your life. I know that your wife wants me here for the kids and herself, not you. You’ve made it abundantly clear that once more, I’m nothing to you. When I’m gone, you’ve gotten your revenge. You made me leave feeling what I’ve made you feel your whole life.”
That caught him off guard.
Holy Hell’s bells.
It was rare Wyler said anything back. That was a quick whip of temper that he’d not encountered before. To Ethan, it sounded like something he would say.
Wyler wasn’t done.
“Oh, don’t be surprised,” he said, standing up. “I’m well aware that we’re irrevocably broken. I know we will never make our peace before I die. I’ve tried, and I’ve failed. That will be my sin I carry into the afterlife. I don’t think this is a good idea,”he said, suddenly meaning what they were going to try to do together.
Still, Ethan said nothing.
“Smoke walking to see Catherine should be something we do together to heal, and you’re not ready for it. It won’t work because you hate me still. I know how this works,” he said. “If I wasn’t such a piss poor human being, I’d be sitting in my father’s shawl and taking you for the walk, but life had other plans. Me losing my mother early broke me just as much as you losing yours did. My father was so lost in his grief, that I raised myself. I was a child taking care of a child,” he said. “So, of all people, I know exactly how you feel inside. I used alcohol to numb my pain. You use rage.”
Well, he wasn’t wrong, now was he?
Ethan didn’t speak.
“So, had fate been kinder, I would have had my mother for longer. I get your anger. I’m just not going to be your punching bag anymore. I’ve done that your whole life, afraid to piss you off, but I can’t be afraid anymore. You’re never going to love me, and I get it.”
That stung a little, and Ethan knew it.
Only, Wyler wasn’t done.
“I fucked up. I know that. I’ve apologized, and I stayed true to my word for fifteen years. So much so, that you allowed me around your kids. I know I backslid, and you’re angry again, but I can’t fight cancer and you. I’ll stop bothering you, and talking to you. We can exist as just acquaintances. I’ll give you what you want. You hate me as your father, so I can stop being that. You’ve made it abundantly clear that I’m the enemy. I’ll finish the totem for your mother’s library and then, I’m going back to DC. I’ll give up my time here on the reservation so you can heal. I don’t want to do battle anymore. It makes me notwant to fight to stay alive, and right now, I’m fighting each and every day to have a little more time for the people I love.”
With that, he turned and walked out of the tipi, letting the flap close. Outside, he could hear Wyler talking to Demeter.
