“If you keep this up, I’m gonna have to hire HR and turn you in for bullying.”
“Okay, I’ve had enough of you for now. I’ll call you back if I can’t figure out where the hell you put the key.”
“Sounds good. See you for dinner.”
If I try hard enough, I can almost pretend that this is more than it is. What our life would look like if he hadn’t left me on my doorstep years ago. I know why he did it now. But it doesn’t take back all the pain I felt since then. All the abandonment issues I brought back up. It’s like he stitched me together, just ripped me back open. It sucks when the person who broke your heart is the only one who can put it back together the right way.
I did a pretty darn good job by myself putting it back together, but there’s a piece of me that has always belonged to him. I can feel it now that I’m back here. That piece of me that’s been missing. He always said I was his sunshine, but really, he was mine. I lost it the day he walked out of my life, the light, the joy, and my spark. I became quiet,cold, and withdrawn. The longer I’m here, the more I can feel myself slipping back into who I used to be, who I really am.
I let these thoughts carry away as I drive back to the barn and office. Realistically, I’m daydreaming about my life with him. What it would have looked like, maybe even could have if I could figure out a way to forgive him. If I can figure out a way to trust him with my heart again.
Walking into his office, I sit down in his chair and go to the left drawer. “Okay, we’re looking for an envelope; it can’t be that hard,” I talk out loud to myself.
It’s exactly where he said it would be. I fumble with the key and unlock the drawer. I probably should’ve asked him exactly where this check was in here because it seems like this is a catch-all drawer. I pick up a lockbox and find the check underneath it.
I really shouldn’t care what’s in this lockbox. And I really should probably respect his privacy. But the curiosity is yelling at me. What in the hell does he have a lockbox for, and how hard is the sucker to open?
I fidget with it and find that it’s not at all hard to open when the top springs open. I almost drop it when I see what’s inside. It’s the movie ticket from our very first date, but we were only kids. There’s a corsage in here from prom. A Polaroid picture of us from when we were sixteen and he first got his license. We spent that whole summer driving around in his truck. Did a lot more than driving in that truck. It held a lot of memories. I fell in love for the first time in the front seat, right next to him.
When I fumble through layers of stuff and make it to the bottom, I see the bracelet I made him when we were maybe twelve. I can’t believe he kept this. This bracelet right here started everything. He said he liked my bracelet on my first day of school. My grandpa and I hadto move him a few times, and it got harder every time, starting over. When I sat down in my first class, he said he liked my bracelet. I was desperate to make a friend, so I came to school the next day with one for him, and I walked out with a best friend. It’s crazy to me how much has changed since then. How much more he became to me than just a friend, even now calling him a friend seems wrong. Not enough, he’s so much more to me than a friend. I was wondering whether he really felt the way he said he did.
God, I can’t believe he kept all this stuff, it’s like a shrine to what we used to be. Tears start to stream down my face as I look at our relationship condensed to a little box. I loved him so much. I loved him at every single phase, as a kid and as a teenager. If I’m being honest, I still love him now. I’ve loved him every single day since I was twelve years old. I hold the picture of us to my chest and let out a silent sob. I don’t know what to do. There’s an ache in my chest, and there’s only one way to make it better. But if I do it and it goes wrong, I don’t think I’ll be able to stitch myself back together this time, and that’s terrifying.
I try to put everything back exactly how it was in here, preserving it. I don’t want him to know that I went through this, but now that I’ve seen it, I fear I won’t be able to look at him the same. Because I think he was telling the truth, he did what he thought was right for me. There’s no way he kept all the stuff and didn’t truly love me. Maybe that’s why it’s hidden and locked away.
I put everything back nice and neat. I close the drawer, lock it up, and head back to my truck. Going back to work after such a revelation feels frivolous. God, I wish I had someone to talk to. I think I need a girls’ night or something. I know Aspen’s going to be a little bit biased, but right now, I don’t think I really care because my options are himand my grandpa, and I already know my grandpa’s going to take his side. At least I know Aspen thinks he’s a bit of a dumb ass. Have that going for me.
After dropping off the check, I text Aspen and see if she can meet me for a quick drink. Shock fills me when her response is almost instant. There’s one thing about that girl. She’s always down for a good time. But I also know the side of her that’s down for just about anything, and that includes the heavy stuff. She was so much younger than I, but even then, she had a heart of gold. The little sister I never had.
We agree to meet at the local bar. She's already sitting at a table when I get there. George Strait plays on the overhead speaker system.
“Thanks for coming to hang out with me.” I smile at her. She’s already got two drinks sitting on the table.
“Thanks for inviting me. How’s your day going?” She sits, looking so happy to be here and I know I made the right call. Even if she can’t offer me any advice, her company will make me feel better.
“Uhm.” I’m not really sure how to answer her, because overall my day is fine, but my head, my head is a tangled mess.
“It’s my brother, isn't it?” I look up to see her narrowing her eyes, as if she’s trying to fit pieces of a puzzle together.
She’s quite possibly the most intuitive person I’ve ever met. I groan, “If I want to talk to you about your brother, is it possible for you to be on my side?”
“As much as I love him, I love opposing him so much more. I think it’s the little sister in me.” She smiles before taking a sip of her drink.
“Did he ever tell you why he broke up with me?” I toy with the rim of my glass, skating my finger around the rim.
She slaps her hands down on the table, making me look up at her. “No, and I have been pestering him about that since you left town.”
“Okay, well, I didn’t really know either, until the other night that is.” My brows knit together as I relive our conversation, the pain I felt then bubbling back up.
Aspen reaches across the table, grabbing my hand, “When I said you could talk to me, I meant it. I know that it’s hard because he’s my brother, but I’m still your friend.“
I nod, I know I can talk to her. “That’s why I called. I just don’t really know how to put this into words.”
She gives my hand a reassuring squeeze before saying, “Don’t overthink it, just tell me what you are thinking.”
I dive into the whole story of why he broke up with me. Going into detail about what happened at dinner the night he confessed why he left me.
“What a total dumbass. I wish I had been old enough to set him straight before he did something like that.” She shakes her head at her brother’s actions.
