The rest of the night goes by with more lighthearted conversation, and it’s just what I needed. The air in the apartment is heavy with the weight of the fire bearing down on us every minute of every day. It’s then that I realize I might have to go to extremes to bring Aspen back from wherever she is right now.
I need to dominate her completely, just long enough to bring her back to me.
Chapter 27
ASPEN
With every day that passes, I retreat further into myself. It’s been two months since I came home from the hospital, and yet my mind is locked in that burning building, fighting to get out. Gasping for air.
As I stand naked in front of the mirror, waiting for the shower to heat, I can’t stand the scars that will never fully go away. It took me a long time to be comfortable in my own skin. Oh, how I wish my biggest issue was having curves, the ones Ryder taught me to love.
Now, all I see is a broken doll. I find it hard to look at myself, and after Ryder saw my scars for the first time, I didn’t want to see that beautiful face marred by pity. That’s what I am now. Not the object of his desire. Just a girl to be pitied. A shell of the woman I used to be.
I’d do it all again to save him. That’s the hardest part of all this. I’m pushing away the one person I couldn’t live without. I’m suffocating a little more every day, and I don’t know how to get out. I’m alone in this. My family doesn’t understand. My co-workers go about their daily lives like nothing happened. Venom still holds everything I want and can’t have.
Ryder didn’t challenge me when I said my days as his submissive were over. I understand. I’m damaged, and I’m not sure if I can come back from it. We barely talk. He’s giving me space, but part of me is heartbroken that he is. I know it’s crazy. I asked for space. Demanded it when I’ve been too pathetic to face up to my new reality.
I’m jolted back to the sight of myself when a knock comes at the door. “Aspen, do you want to go out for dinner tonight?” He tries the door, knowing it’s locked.
“No. Can we just order takeout?”
“I can make us something.”
“Sure.” It’s all I can manage. He deserves so much better. When I hear the door to our bedroom close behind him, I drop to my knees, silent cries racking my entire body. I want to reach out to him. I miss his touch. But above all, I miss how safe he makes me feel. Sure, I gave him shit about being so overprotective, but in reality, it felt good to be loved so completely.
Now, I’m numb.
I hate it.
I’m not sure how long I sit on my heels, but I’m alone in the dark, its tendrils wrapping around my chest, constricting my air.
“Dinner is ready.” He doesn’t even try to come into the room, knowing I won’t let him anywhere near me. My burns are healed, but the red stain that mars my arm and shoulder is like a straitjacket. No matter how hard I try, I can’t break free of this prison.
“I’ll be out in a minute.”
I pull out a heavy sweater and leggings, making sure I’m completely covered before venturing out to the kitchen. At this point, I’m surprised Ryder hasn’t sent me back to my old apartment. This is a miserable existence. He sets the plates down on the dining room table, candles lit for ambience, but my anxiety spikes. “Please put them out.”
He follows my gaze to the innocuous candles in the middle of the table.
“Put them out!”
He rushes to the table, snuffing them out immediately, his face apologetic as his eyes find mine. “I’m sorry, baby girl.”
It takes me a moment to calm my breathing, and Ryder walks over to me, placing his hands on my arms.Thearm. I shirk from his touch.
“Please don’t.” I cast my eyes to the floor.
“Don’t what? Love you? Try to care for you? What is it youdon’twant from me, Aspen?” He’s a coiled spring, ready to launch or splinter into a million pieces.
“I can’t.”
“Talk to me!” he yells.
“Maybe I should go back to my place.”
“This is your place, Aspen. Don’t you get it? This is your home.Iam your home now. We’re in this together, whether you like it or not.”
“I’m not the same person anymore. I’m… ruined. I don’t think I can be what you need me to be.” My heart cracks at the thought of losing him, but I’m doing it for him.
