Chapter Two
Billie
Seth gets up and walkstoward us.I’m sure he’s moving at normal speed, but it feels like he’s approaching in slow motion, each step a small eternity.His eyes are fixed on mine with unfamiliar fervor, his spine straight, stride long and smooth.He appears almost predatory, not like the goofball I once washed beakers with.This is a man, dangerous, thrilling, one with a purpose—and that purpose is me.
I can’t believe how much Seth has changed since grad school days.I thought he was attractive back then, all tall and skinny and perpetually uncombed.The two of us were so close, too close if you ask my now ex-husband.I talked with Seth more openly and more broadly than with anyone else, our late nights running assays often conducive to deep conversations ...and confusing feelings of closeness.At least on my end.
But Seth never made a move, never tried to touch me or even properly flirt, so I often wondered it was all in my head, this feeling that we were drawn to each other, that we could be so much more than we were.That we could be everything.
More than anyone else I’ve met before or since, Seth made me feel that I’d rushed into my marriage with Doug, that the world was big and full of people who could embrace all of me, that I could be known and cherished and not made to feel like I was being too much, needing too much, overfilling the space that was meant for me...Making my loved ones feel small.
I hate to admit it even to myself because it makes me an awful person, a disloyal person, a cheater in my own mind, but there were so many times I’d wanted to kiss Seth, to run my hands through that mussed-up hair, and the only thing that stopped me was the guilt over betraying Doug, because I knew how it felt when I suspected he’d done it to me, and I didn’t think anyone deserved to feel that way.The guilt alone made me cling to Doug more, try to be better to him, more loving, more flexible, more of what he said he needed from me.More of what I have since come to realize I could never become if I were to still feel like myself.
By then, it had been years since Seth had graduated and moved on, and basically ceased all contact.
And now he’s approaching, intent and graceful like a savanna cat, and I’m every bit a gazelle, fearing his nearness, rooted in place when I should probably flee.Because I’m eager—I am desperate—for the onslaught of all that intensity from him.
Edie is still chatting with our friends when Seth reaches us, grabs my upper arm, and leans in to whisper, “I need to talk to you.In private.”
I swallow hard, my heart rapidly drumming.I haven’t been this close to Seth in years, and this version of him, fully grown and wearing a nice suit, the career Seth, the conference-goer Seth, he smells clean and masculine, and,yes, I would very much like to talk to him in private.
But all I say is, “Sure,” and even muster a small, one-shoulder shrug, like I couldn’t care less.
I tap Edie on the back, to let her know I’ll be leaving.Edie straightens from her half-bent position, looking confused at first, but then her eyes dart between Seth and me and her mouth stretches into a knowing grin.“Finally,” she says and shoos us away.
Seth’s hand is on the small of my back as he gently leads me out of the restaurant, through the hallway, to the empty patio outside.
The patio is dark, barely lit from the hallway within.It’s decorated with shrubs and small concrete fountains that double as ashtrays.As we step onto paving stone and gravel, our feet make a loud crunching sound.Somehow, it permeates the deafening rush of blood in my ears.
Seth grabs my left hand and runs his thumb along my bare ring finger, as if trying to erase something from there.His forehead is pinched, his eyes following the thumb.
When he finally looks up, he appears hurt.“Why didn’t you tell me you got divorced?”
“It’s not a secret,” I reply.“People I’m in touch with knew.Edie and Javi knew.”
His face twists, grip tightening on my hand.
“What was I supposed to do?”I continue.“Email you out of the blue and say, ‘Hey Seth, I know we haven’t spoken since you graduated, and you don’t seem to care if I live or die, but just FYI, I got divorced, in case you’re interested in depressing personal news.’”
“Of course I would’ve been interested.You...”He runs a hand through his hair in what seems like frustration, his other hand still holding mine, stroking my ring finger.“Youmusthave known I would have been interested.”
I pull my hand out of his and cross my arms, my excitement being pushed aside by a wave of irritation.“Why?”I ask.“Why would I have known that?We haven’t been in touchin four years, Seth.You graduated and fell off the face of the Earth.Why would I have known you’d have wanted to hear from me?”
He grabs my hand again, this time with both of his.“I wanted to stay in touch.I really did.But I couldn’t.I couldn’t stand to see pictures of you buying a house and having babies with Doug.”
I blink.This was the last thing I expected to hear.
“All I ever wanted was for you to realize he wasn’t right for you,” Seth continues, his voice now softer, lower.“But I didn’t think it would ever happen.I thought you’d never leave him.”
Neither of us has moved, yet the distance between us has somehow shrunk.A shiver rises through my body, and I could blame it on the cold night or the thinness of my dress, but it’s not that cold and I’m not that deluded.It’s Seth’s warm breath on the side of my face, sending chills across my skin, making my nipples stiffen.Has he ever been this close to me before?This deep in my personal space?
“There was a time when I thought Doug was the best I could do,” I say.My eyes are on his and it feels dangerous to look anywhere else, because the moment will be gone...And I don’t want it gone.
Seth swears under his breath.“That’s bullshit, Billie.You’re far out of his league and he knew it.He knew you’d leave him if he ever let you spread your wings.He wanted you small.Small like he was.”
