“Are you physically attracted to Seth?”
“Yes.”My assuredness makes Edie smile.
“How much?”
I frown.“I don’t know.A lot?”
“Were you attracted to him in grad school?”
I feel a pang of guilt, like I’m about to betray Doug.Retroactively.
Edie presses on.“Remember, be honest.”
I throw my hands up.“Yes.I was, okay?I’ve always been very attracted to him.”
“That’s what I thought.”Edie’s mouth stretches in a self-satisfied smirk.“Now, how about the things you have in common?”
“Well, we’re colleagues, so we have our profession in common.And we have a similar sense of humor, so we’ve always had fun together.We also used to like similar games and books.I thought we were very good friends in grad school.”
“Okay.How about what you think of him as a person?Is he solid?Honest, hard-working, loyal?Do you respect him?”
“Yes.He’s one of the most amazing men I’ve ever met.Patient and kind and thoughtful.He was like that even when he was young.”
Edie watches me thoughtfully, a small smile hovering on her lips.“Please tell me why you wouldn’t date this wonderful man, with whom you have a lot in common, and to whom you are wildly attracted?Especially when he seems more than ready to give you the world.”
I start trembling.At first it’s imperceptible, but I can’t help it, the lid is off and all the emotions are pouring out, raw and messy and overwhelming.I fear they’ll pull me under.
Because heis.He’s ready to give me the world.And I want it.Iwantto let him give it to me.But even letting myself want it feels terrifying.
“Billie?”Edie watches me expectantly.
I return her gaze, but my throat suddenly shuts.
She pushes.“Why can’t you date Seth?”
I know it.I can feel it.I cannot say it.I plead to Edie with my eyes, hoping she’ll somehow read my mind and not make me form words.Because I try to swallow, but I can’t.My mouth is desert-dry, my throat impassable.
“You feel you’re not good enough for him.Is that it?”Edie finally says.
Her words hit me in the plexus, and I finally exhale.
“I don’t deserve him, Edie.He’s ...everything a girl like me could ever want.”
She grabs my hand.“Oh, Billie.Of course you deserve him.You’re both equally wonderful.Just perfect for each other.Trust me.”
“He says he loves me.How ...how can he love me?”
Edie grabs my other hand and squeezes them both.“Because heknowsyou, Billie.Of course he loves you.He’s loved you for years, and somehow you’re the only one who hasn’t noticed that.”
I am shaking now, right in the middle of a sandwich-shop chain, with balled-up paper napkins and sourdough crumbs before me.I shake as my good friend grips my fingers to keep me grounded while I try and process my feelings.
“I’m so scared, Edie,” I barely whisper.“Scared he’ll wake up and walk away.”
“He won’t.”
“But he could...”
“He could, but he won’t.You could also walk away from him, too.Don’t you think he’s scared of that?”
