I let Edie’s words wash over me.They are the words I’ve kept close to my heart, words that helped me stay firm about my divorce when my family, Doug’s family, and everyone else I knew back home insisted I was a selfish girl making a huge mistake.
Over the lunch of soup and sandwiches with a side of her trademark bluntness, Edie helps give me closure.The type of validation that I’d never gotten from anyone else close to me.Because, to her, I’ve never been weak or foolish.She met me as I started to come into myself.
As did Seth.
“Tell me, do you like him?”Edie asks.
“Seth?Of course I like him.”
“You know what I mean.”
I give her a haughty look, and she giggles.But I don’t have it in me to pretend to be offended.
“Yes, I like him.A lot.”
“So what’s the problem?
I sigh and clutch my water bottle.“He said he loved me.”
“And?Are you telling me this is really news to you?Or that his love is bad news somehow?”
Edie appears completely unfazed while I feel a rising wave of panic.How is everyone so okay with the idea of Seth and me?Like all the pieces are falling into place, like something inevitable is finally here.And all I feel is terror; bone-deep, heart-stopping terror.
“But what ...what if it doesn’t work out?”My voice quavers.
“With Seth?”Edie shrugs.“But what if it does?”
“I am thirty and already divorced.”
“All the more reason not to wait too long to jump back in.”
“I don’t want to divorce again.”
My friend’s face softens.She puts her crossed forearms on the table and leans toward me.“Forget marriage.Do you want to date him?Or anyone?”
I nod.
“Do you want to see what’s out there, play the field a bit since you’re newly single?”
I sigh.“Not really.It’s rough out there, on the apps.And I don’t think I’m meant for casual sex.”
“Do you feel like you’re ready to date?”
“I think I am.”
“But?”
I wish I could somehow hide from Edie’s knowing eyes.
“I feel torn,” I say, my palms up like I’m about to put things in them.“On the one hand, I’m finally single, finally in control of my life.I should be alone and enjoy it.”I bounce my upturned left palm slightly, as if the weight of my singledom is pressing down on it.“On the other hand”—my right palm bobs under the fictitious weight of my woes—“I’m lonely and I’m not a person for casual sex.I want to have a partner.”
Edie shrugs.“Well, that all sounds reasonable to me.But I still don’t understand what you’re feeling for Seth.”
“I don’t think I understand it, either.”
“Okay, let’s try to figure it out.But you have to be honest, okay?”
I nod, smiling.“Okay.”
