“It’snotjust a conference hookup,” she says.“But it’s not like we planned this.”
There’s a note of something—regret?trepidation?— in her voice, and I can’t stand it.I cannot stand the thought of her regretting this.I need to get away from her wide, remorseful eyes that feel like serrated blades in my gut.
“So what if we didn’t plan it?”I get out of bed and stand before her, completely naked, trying to make my case with flailing arms like a pathetic, besotted fool.“It happened.And it’s good, Billie.It’ssogood.”
Billie sighs and uncrosses her arms, folding her hands in her lap.She’s rumpled and vulnerable, and I know she’d feel soft and warm if I threw my arms around her.All I want is to hold her and never let her go.
“I know,” she says quietly.“I know it’s good.”
“So why do you say we just go back to how things were before?”
She throws her hands up in frustration.“What else can we do?”Her eyes are lost and beseeching, almost as if she’s being torn from the inside by the pull of potent, conflicting emotions.“We live in different cities, Seth.I’m not about to quit my job.”
“Iwould,” I reply without hesitation, my voice low but clear and steady.“I would quit my job to be with you.”
Her eyes widen in genuine shock, and I want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her until she sees what I see—that we belong together.
She scoots toward the edge of the bed and sits with one foot tucked underneath the other thigh.The pose appears casual, but her fingers curl over the cusp of the mattress, her knuckles white with tension, belying the relaxed appearance of her body.
“Seth, we just spent a couple of days together.That’s not enough to turn our whole worlds upside down for one another.Maybe we could try and see each other long distance, if you want...”
Long.Distance.She wants long fucking distance.
“Are you fuckin’ serious?”I spit out through gritted teeth, and she winces at how bitter I sound.At how much anger seeps into my voice.“I’m not some stranger you just met, Billie.I’ve known you for years.I’velovedyou for years.You are it for me, do you understand that?”My hand flies to my chest, on top of my tired, battered heart, and Billie’s eyes widen at the words and the gesture.“And now that we finally got together and it’s everything I’ve ever wanted, you just ...shrug?And say we go back to our respective fucking cities, like nothing happened?”
“What do you want me to say?”She leaps off the bed and now we’re both standing—naked, fuming, incensed.
“I want you to say youwantthis”—I motion between her and me—“as much as I do.I want you towantto see where it goes.”I grab her by the shoulders.“I want you to love me as much as I love you.”
She freezes for a moment, then shakes my hands off her shoulders and steps aside.
“Fuck you, Seth,” she finally says, fury swirling in her eyes.“I was married for years.I spent my whole adult life twisting myself to make a man happy.I’m finally able to be on my own and breathe.”
She starts to pick up her things.
“Billie—”
“I’m definitely not going to uproot my life without a second thought.Not even for great sex.Not even for you.”
I run both hands through my hair.“I’m not asking you to uproot anything.I just want us to give this a real shot and see where it goes...”
She’s finished putting on her clothes and is now shoving her sex toys into her purse.
I grab her hand.“Billie—”
“I have to go.”She faces away from me, trying to yank the hand out of my grip.
“Billie, I get it.I do.”I hold her by the wrist, my voice cracking with emotion.“But I can’t lose you again.Not now that I’ve really had you.”
She turns back.There is an unspoken question in her eyes.
“I will move to Raleigh, “ I say.“There’s plenty of pharma there.I will get a job.”
“I can’t ask you to do that.It’s a big career ask.”
“I don’t care.I will do it.I want to be close to you and give this a real shot.”
She pauses.“I can’t move in with you this soon.You have to understand.”
