I can’t… Ignacio being fuckingniceto me is too much for me to take.
Pushing away from the wall, I try to force myself to leave. I don’t deserve to hold vigil for the man I almost killed.
Except my body and mind seem to be in disagreement, because I find I can’t fucking leave.
Love.
Stupid fucking useless emotion won’t let me leave.
So, I do the next best thing… I drop to the floor and bury my face in my knees. Maybe the assholes waiting with me will get the hint and let me self-implode in peace.
The trembles are back, and I choke on a sob.
Maybe Sergio Amato was right all those years ago. Maybe I am toxic. Destructive. Good for nothing but bringing pain to those around me.
My thoughts trip over themselves, the past and present blurring together as my ass grows as numb as my insides.
“Tennant.”
My name has me looking up, and I meet Doc’s tired gaze. I try to stand but my body protests from sitting in the same position for so long.
Hands reach for me, helping me up, and I stare up into Jude’s eyes. He must see the question in mine, because as soon as I’m steady, he removes his hands to say, “I’m fine. Jayden worked me over, gave me another of Doc’s shots for pain. It’s been a few hours since then, so I’m feeling nothing but the normal irritation of having to deal with Jayden.”
The humor he tries to bring into the conversation falls flat, though he does try. Still, I don’t deserve to find amusement in anything right now. I look back to Doc for answers.
“He’ll be okay,” Doc says. “I gave him enough meds to keep him out the rest of the day, so he can heal. The knife ended up nicking a kidney, which is why there was so much fucking blood. It didn’t damage the organ, thankfully, but he’s going to be in a lot of pain for a while. Still, he’ll be okay. You can see him, if you want.”
I shake my head. “I…I can’t…”
“He’ll want you there,” Ignacio says. “Go. He’ll heal better if you’re there.”
“Can I sit with him?” Jude asks.
Doc seems to contemplate it, but finally nods. “No more than the two of you.”
“Okay.” Jude looks at his lover. “I told Carter what I learned from the cop; he’ll give you your orders. Make sure you tell me if you go anywhere, Bello.”
“I know, Sir. Don’t worry about me.”
I want to ask what’s happening. Being out of the loop is not normal for me, but right now, all my focus is on not breaking further than I already have.
Jude grabs my hand and leads me into the room, and it takes all of my strength not to turn around and flee when I see Benjamin hooked up to monitors, looking so still and pale in the hospital bed.
Fuck.
I stumble over my feet as Jude tugs me further into the room, and I lose my sight as more tears fill my eyes.
I allow Jude to shove me into the chair next to the bed, and though I don’t deserve it, I reach for Benjamin’s hand, so small and delicate in mine.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I love you, and I’m so fucking sorry, Topolino…”
Broken.
If losing Cristian left me hollow, then losing Benjamin has left me broken.
Humming to myself, I wait not so patiently for the knock on the office door. The organized files on my desktop make me happy. How Hollis manages to find anything is a mystery to me; I don’t understand his filing system at all. Everything nice and neat and in alphabetical order is better than the stupid numeric one he was using. If he bitches, I’ll just have Doc drug him again.
When the knock finally comes, I let them wait a full minute before giving the okay to enter. Having the door fully closed is a novelty, as Hollis never allows the latch to catch—I know why, of course, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to milk it while I can.
