He reaches for my hand again, and I allow him to lead me to the medical suite. The only occupied room is Carter’s, so all the other ones have open doors, except the one at the very end of the hall. Jude leads me there, and situates us on the opposite wall from the door.
We settle in to wait, and more fucking tears trail down my face as we do. Fuck. I hate this. I don’tcry. Not even when my mother took her last breath when I was eleven. I held her hand as the illness took her from me, but even then, my reactions weren’tnormal.
“I don’t know what to do,” I say, too low to be heard if the look Jude gives me is any indication. He doesn’t ask me to repeat myself, though. Probably because he, of all my lovers, understands how much this fuck up is tearing me apart.
The problem is, Idon’tfuck up. Ever.
Antonio comes from…somewhere, and Jude opens his other arm, holding his Boy close. The sight of them…it makes my heart twist, and reminds me of what I’ve lost. Roman and Emilio…they should be here. Roman should be trying to prevent the little monster from taking me out, even though he has every right.
I was supposed to protect them.Roman, Lio, Benjamin…they’re supposed to be safe with me.
Jayden appears, pushing Ignacio in a wheelchair, and as much as I want to turn away from the censure I’m sure Chaos has for me, I don’t. I am glad he’s here, I know how much Benjamin still loves him. Even if they’re not together, I want myTopolino to have his friendship, to have someone who will love him in all the ways I can’t.
“If you try to leave this chair, I will strap you to your bed,” Jayden tells Ignacio. There’s a fissure of tension between the two men as they stare at each other.
Ignacio promises to behave and Jayden sniffs before shifting his attention to Jude. “You, come with me. I can see you’ve fucked yourself up from here.”
“I’m fine,” Jude protests.
“I’m not asking.”
“Please, Agnellino,” I tell him. “You promised.”
Jude lets out a harsh breath and presses a kiss to his Boy’s head. “Fine.” He lets Antonio go and pushes off the wall.
Jayden makes a noise and shakes his head in disgust. “I’m not even going to ask where your cane is. My office, now.” He takes off, and Jude reluctantly follows him.
With my Little Lamb off to get his ass kicked by his physical therapist, I’m left with the one person who should hate me, and one who I’m not sure how to take most days.
“He’ll be okay,” Ignacio says. “He’s strong.”
I stare at him. “You don’t know that. You weren’t there. You didn’t see…” I look down at my blood-stained hands. So much fucking blood. The sickening way the knife slid through him so easily…the angle…it could have hit any number of organs.Fuck!“He was so pale,” I whisper.
“He loves you. He won’t leave you so easily. And…he won’t blame you.”
“He should.” I look up and curl my lip. “It’s my fault he might die!”
“It was an accident,” Antonio says. “Leandro said you were fighting and you didn’t mean to…”
I growl and curse my son for being such a nosy fucking bastard.
“Is that true?” Ignacio asks.
I shrug. “He handed me a knife…he wanted… Fuck, I don’t know what he wanted, but I wasn’t…I couldn’t do it… I tried to leave and he fucking touched me…” I curl my hand into a fist and slam it into the wall behind me. “Stupidly brave Baby Mouse tried to tame the monster.”
“It was a mistake,” Antonio says softly. “They happen. We’ve all had our fair share of mistakes.”
I laugh harshly. “I don’t makemistakes.” Taking a breath, I welcome the numbness that courses through me. “I am a weapon. I’ve known that for years. I’ve harnessed every bit of strength I could to become what my Family needed me to be. Mistakes, especially with a weapon in my hand? They don’t happen.”
“Benjamin will understand,” Ignacio says again. “He’s also at fault. What you’re going through…” He shakes his head. “Fuck, I’m having a hard time with Roman being gone, and being so fucking useless. Had I been there when he was taken… You’re coping better than me. You’re not to blame for lashing out, for forgetting the knife was in your hand, for?—”
“Forgetting,” I spit the word. “Means I cannot be trusted. Might as well put me down, because if I can so easily lose track of my surroundings with someone who claims to love me… I’m the worst type of monster.”
Ignacio reaches out, grimacing as leaning forward in his wheelchair pulls at his still-healing wound. He stops inches from actually touching me. “Benjamin sees you for who you are, Ten. He loves you, and nothing will ever make him stop loving you. He’s incredibly loyal like that. He’s not going to want you to blame yourself.”
I stare at him, into dark eyes that are full of sympathy, and shake my head in disgust. “You should hate me.”
He sits back and shrugs. “Probably, but I can’t. Not when both Roman and Benjamin love you; I trust them and their judgment. I don’t hate you, not when you give them what they both need. This…it’s not a reflection of your love for Benjamin. If I thought it was, nothing would stop me from killing you.”
