Somethinghappenedtomethis morning when I woke up with Jay. The quiet routine of getting dressed together, laughing, feeding the cat, brushing our teeth, felt natural in a way that wasn’t choreographed but still in perfect sync.
He soothes something so deep within me that I briefly forgot that all of this is temporary and we need to talk about that. He hasn’t asked about me leaving, does he assume I won’t?
A knot wedges itself into my ribs, that foreboding feeling when you know things are about to change, and it makes me restless. But that could just be misplaced fear from my past with Rhys. Jay has never given me any reason to doubt him in the same way. I could email campus housing and decline the dorm room, but that says a lot about what we haven’t talked about yet.
My mind spins with telling him how I feel, and though I want to, I need to settle my thoughts first.
So my first thought is, what could calm my mind? What can help me focus on something else other than things I can’t control? Then, like it was meant to be, a pulse beneath my skinappears, an itch that tells me to create something again, and I’m heading toward the studio.
I find a space by the window in the same spot that Jay brought me to before. Memories linger in the air around me, and I inhale, smiling to myself at our little secret. This secret doesn’t feel the same as the one Rhys had with me, mostly because Jay isn’t afraid to hold my hand in public or kiss me in front of our friends now, and I didn’t realize how much I needed that affirmation again.
Jay’s voice whispers in my ear, just like it did that night, and it motivates me to move. My hands remember what to do before my mind catches up. My body awakens with each stroke, the weight of the brush in my hand, the sweet scent of the paint, and the tiny sparks of control and surrender that come with creation.
It feels alive. I feel alive. But more importantly, it feels right.
For so long, painting felt like forcing a memory, it was something I loved but couldn’t reach anymore. But now, with every line and blend, that numbness recedes. I feel the difference between my control and my release, and how both can exist at the same time, in the same movement.
Paint flicks onto my skin, and I keep going until my shoulders ache and the vision of the sun falling behind the campus stares back at me. Golds, oranges, and pinks all combined with the offset of the autumn trees. It’s something, a start to feeling back to me.
My phone buzzes in my back pocket, and I flip it over to find a message from Bethany.
Bethany
Hi Olivia, I’ll be in town tomorrow if you’re still good to meet me? I’ll be on campus around ten x
Liv
Sure thing! I’ll meet you near the parking lot, does that work?
Bethany
Absolutely, I’ll be wearing a purple coat but you can call me if you can’t see me x
I message Daphne to see if she’s around too, I don’t know campus as well as her, so I’m hoping she can come with me.
I open my camera and take a picture to send to Jay with the caption: ‘a little different being here without you this time.’ He’s still the first one I want to share this with.
The signature swoop tells me the message has sent, and immediately the bubbles appear with him typing.
Jay
Liv, that’s incredible. I’m sad I’m not there to give you that happy ending again though ;)
Liv
You can always have that happy ending tonight.
Jay
You can’t make me hard at work, baby. I have a shoot in fifteen minutes.
Liv
Motivation is key, here. I want you home early.
Jay
Count on it. Especially because my boss told me I have to go to our California branch for two days.
