“Yes please,” Poppy said, letting go of her mom. “Oh, but I should tell you that Dad bought us ice cream on the way home.”
Sienna shot Zane a glance. “Did he now?”
“Don’t be mad at him, Mom. We begged and begged and begged.”
“Your father needs to learn to say no,” Sienna answered, immediately wishing she hadn’t said it in such a sharp tone.
Poppy shook her head, her dark brown pigtails swishing back and forth. “Oh, Dad, please never learn to say no. And don’t ever go on tour again. Life is the most fun with you here.”
Zane smiled at their little girl, but Sienna could see the guilt in his eyes. Good. He should feel guilty. Not to mention small and terrible and weak, because that’s what he was. A weak, terrible, small man who could go to hell for all she cared.
Wide awake, this scene played out in Sienna's head again, fury building in her from her toes to the top of her head until she couldn’t stand it any longer.Zane dared to let out a loud snort, this one accompanied by a contented whistling sound as he exhaled.How dare he?!
Sienna put her mouth right next to his ear and raised her voice. “WAKE UP!”
His body jerked violently, and he covered his ear with one hand. “Oww! What the hell?” he mumbled, clearly having forgotten what he’d done.
“I have something to say,” Sienna snapped.
“Jesus, Sienna, it’s the middle of the night,” he said, turning away from her.
She tapped the gold base of the bedside lamp, and it immediately shone an offending yellow glow in her eyes. “I don’t care.”
“Okay, I’m listening.” He sat up and leaned against the Ralph Lauren silk damask headboard and rubbed his eyes the same way Poppy did when she was tired. The sight of it nearly killed Sienna. They would forever be connected by their children, whom she loved with her entire heart. And now she’d have to separate her love for them from the pain he had inflicted on her. But how? After all these years together and making three humans that were a perfect blend of the two of them, how was she supposed to suddenly turn off the tap to her love for him? They were like two delicate gold chains that got tangled up in a box over the years, intertwining and wrapping knots around each other until there was no way to get them apart without breaking one or both.
Then she remembered that he’d made a perfect blend of himself with another woman, andthatwas the thing that would help her carefully tease out her love from her all-consuming rage until the chains were finally free of each other. Her brain fired wildly with all the things that she wasfurious about, each one fighting to get out first. In the end, she went with, “Fuck you.”
There was a long pause, and her tears started to flow again. Sienna refused to speak until she knew her voice would come out strong, but it was all too painful, and her throat refused to loosen up.
“Is that what you needed to say?” he asked, his tone neither sarcastic nor empathetic. He just sounded tired.
“For starters,” she answered, digging her fingernails into her palms. “I just realized what you’ve been doing. These past few months. You’ve been preparing for the worst, haven’t you? You knew this might be your baby and as soon as you found out, you made us all fall in love with you, just in case.”
Zane blew out a puff of air that made a ‘whoo’ sound that was as good as a yes.
“Do you have any idea how cruel that is?” she asked, her tone rising two octaves by the time she reached the last word.
“I was scared. I was so scared of losing you. I … panicked because I knew this could be the end of us, and I can’t let that happen.” His voice was cracked and strained the way it was after a stadium concert. “I love you. I need you, Sienna. You and the kids are my whole world.”
“Oh, shut up. You do not get to say that,” she hissed.
“But it’s true. I didn’t realize it before,” he said, sounding desperate. “I was an idiot. Asleep at the switch for years. But this … situation woke me up. It made me want to cling to you all. To show you how much you mean to me. It’s like I was handed a death sentence and suddenly could see so clearly what matters.”
“I’ve been such an idiot,” she scrambled to get out of the massive bed, suddenly desperate to get away from him. “Here I thought you were changing into this wonderful husband and caring dad, but the entire time, it was self-protection.”
“No, Sienn?—”
“It was,” she said, feeling goosebumps all over her body as she stood in the massive room in her T-shirt and pajama shorts. “Getting up with the kids and all those long lunches and taking me to Napa for the weekend, writing with Ivy, the family game nights … it was all because you knew what you had done, and you were trying to make it so we wouldn’t want to live without you. You don’t care about us. You were only thinking of yourself.”
“That isnottrue,” he said, his voice stern.
“It is. It’s exactly what happened,” she said, her skin wet with tears that flowed down her chin and onto her neck. “Yeah, so you know what? Fuck you. Fuck you for making the kids fall in love with you these last few months. They would’ve been infinitely better off if things stayed the same as before—with you popping in every once in a while like a fun uncle. Now, you’ve gone and taught them to depend on you. To look up to you. So when they find out, they’ll be crushed.” She raised her voice louder than she should have with Poppy in the next room. “Crushed. You’re going to wound them in a way you wouldn’t have if you’d just stayed away. You are going to be the first man who breaks Ivy and Poppy’s hearts. How does that feel?”
His voice cracked. “Terrible.”
“I don’t even believe you. I don’t think you care at all about any of us because if you did, you wouldn’t have done this.”
“I’m sure it seems like that, but I swear to you, Sienna, I have never felt sorrier about anything in my entire life.”
