“You were not put on this planet to impress people or please others. You’re here tolive. You’ve spent your entire life trying to prove you’re the perfect mom, wife, and daughter. Always so thoughtful and kind and forever willing to put others first. Because that’s what I taught you your role in this world was. But that’s not why you were put on this planet, and deep down, you always knew it. So when you finally snapped, you snapped in half. You totally lost the plot.” Hilary’s eyes filled with tears. “If I could go back, I’d do so much differently.”
“Oh Mom, you were just trying to make sure I’d be a good human.”
Her mom’s face twisted with regret. “But I didn’t teach you how to be good to yourself. And if I had, you never would’ve gotten yourself into this mess.”
Jess flipped her hand over and gently squeezed her mom’s. “None of this is your fault. I made every choice along the way. And I’m not just talking about the last few months. I also mean every decision I’ve made since I finished college. Every bad decision.”
“You’ve made a lot of good ones, too. Let’s not forget that. And now, you’ll chart a new course for yourself and try again. Maybe take it a little slower this time, but whatever you do, don’t go back to how things were. It would kill me to see you do that.”
“I won’t, Mom. I promise.” Jess closed her eyes for a second, knowing she was going to have to admit the truth to a lot tougher audiences than her mother. “Oh my God, how am I supposed to tell everyone I changed my mind? It’s going to be so humiliating.”
Hilary’s eyes grew wide and she nodded firmly. “Yes, it will. It’ll be awful, especially when you have to see that horrible Blaire Pritchard again. But just think of how relieved you’ll feel.”
Jessica let out a loud laugh and wiped her eyes again. “I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too.” She looked down at her soup. “Do you think they’d mind reheating these for us? I can’t stand cold soup.”
“I’m sure they won’t mind a bit,” Jess said, standing and picking up the bowls.
As she waited at the counter for the soups to be reheated, she realized that she felt lighter than she had in months. She was raw and worried and she knew she would never live down what she’d done or how she was about to give up on going to law school again. That was all true. But it was also true that being a lawyer wasn’t her dream anymore. For the first time since she’d become ‘the associate’ at Fillion and Associates, she finally felt like everything might be all right again. It wasn’t going to be easy to fix things, or to figure out what sheactuallywanted to do with her life, but at least she would stop heading down the wrong path. She’d find a new one—not a return to her old life, but something new, that suited her.
When she got back to the table, her mom was smiling as she stared out the window.
Jess set down their bowls and sat down. “What’s that smile for?”
“I’m just so relieved that I don’t have to give all that money to Winnie. I was so worried.”
“But I thought you knew I’d hate working in the legal field.”
Picking up the spoon, Hilary said, “Sure, but I had no idea how long it would take foryouto figure that out. It could’ve taken you ten years, for all I knew. Look how long you stayed at the pottery shop.”
They both chuckled, then dug into their meals. As soon as Jess started eating, she realized how hungry she was. She’d been so nervous about her big test, she barely ate breakfast. And now, here she was, with her mom, a huge weight off her chest, having the world’s best bowl of tomato bisque soup and a delicious cheese biscuit.
She thought about the LSAT. Taking the exam felt pointless now. Why put herself through a three-and-a-half-hour, 101 question test when she knew she wasn’t going to apply for law school? But she’d paid for it already, and there were no refunds. Not to mention all that work she’d put in. How could shenottake it?
She almost opened her mouth to ask her mom what she should do, but then she stopped herself. It was high time she learned to listen to her own wisdom. She was smart, and like it or not, the answers to her life weren’t going to be found outside of her own mind. Her mom didn’t have them. Neither did her husband, or Rachael, or Diana. And Kira Popowich certainly didn’t hold the answers. Only Jessica knew what Jessica should do.
Except at the moment, she didn’t.
* * *
Snapchat Messages Between Noah and Liam:
Liam: Brah, I managed to get my phone back for ten minutes. Told my mom I had to download a homework assignment. It’s BAD at my place. So bad. My parents pretty much hate me now.
Liam: I guess you don’t have your phone. I have to write a 3-page apology letter that my parents are making me bring to the house on Sunday. 3 Pages! How many ways can you say sorry? My life sucks.
Liam: So, Charmaine was stuffing her bra. Kylie told Joelle she saw toilet paper fall out of it in the change room. Also, she’s going out with Jackson P.
26
“A family doesn’t need to be perfect. It just needs to be united.”
~ Unknown
When Jess got home that night, she decided against cooking an elaborate meal to announce that she wasn’t going to law school. Instead, she’d order pizza and take Baxter for a long-overdue walk. Of everyone whose lives had changed these last several months, his might have been the worst—nobody home all day, no walks, no fun. Just Stressed-out Jess who came and went, barely noticing him. Today, she was going to take him on an apology walk. She’d even let him sniff whatever he wanted, instead of hurrying him along to get where she was going as fast as possible. She wasn’t in a rush for once and it felt good.
Baxter followed her upstairs and laid on the corner of the bed while she changed into a pair of cozy sweats and an old Aran sweater.
