“You don’t bother me,” he replied so quickly, with so much honesty, that she believed him.
And she settled, feeling a spark of compassion for this man who tried helping others all the time, and maybe at the cost of himself.
“I don’t bother you, but maybe how you feel about me bothers you.”
“I, no. Well, maybe.”
Yet how did he feel? He’d never actually said he loved her, had he?
Quitting work and putting herself first had freed Justine. Perhaps tomorrow she’d feel differently, but today she knew just what to say, how to feel. And she didn’t regret loving Xavier. Not one bit.
She gave him a sincere smile. “I know I love you. I feel it deep inside.” She patted her chest. “You’ve let me be in charge of our relationship from the beginning. Treated me like an equal and like a person who knows her own worth. And I thank you for that.”
He looked upset. “Are you breaking up with me? This sounds like a breakup speech.”
She laughed, simultaneously sad yet strangely happy. “No. But I’m going to do you a favor. I wantyouto take charge of this relationship. You tell me what you want when you know what that is. I love you. I’m not afraid to say it or feel it.”
She just looked at him.
Shame crossed his face. “But I am.”
“I think so. I just don’t know why. You’re the most grounded, emotionally mature man I know. You’re not afraid to say what you think or communicate. So why has our relationship changed?”
“It hasn’t.”
“It has.” She knew the truth, could see it in his eyes. But love made no sense. She knew that. She gave a sad grin. “WWXD? What would Xavier do? That’s how I’ve decided on some of the choices I’ve made, because you’re such a well-adjusted person. Probably the most balanced guy I’ve ever dated.” She stood and kissed him on the cheek. “Figure out what you want, Xavier. You know how I feel. You should also know I’m taking back control of my life. And I’m worth someone who can admit how they feel without regret.”
“I know.” He didn’t look sad as much as baffled, and that gave her hope.
But Justine had things to do. A job to find. A life to figure out.
For herself.
Xavier would have to muddle his way to his own truths. She could only hope they’d bring him back to her.
CHAPTER 37
Xavier didn’t know what had happened. Three days later, he remained baffled at how he’d had the nicest not-breakup breakup ever.
“All right brother of mine.” Auggie sighed and played with the straw in her juice glass. Hermione had already been by twice to challenge Auggie into a few rounds of “Your Mother” jokes and a glare fest. “What the hell did you do?”
“What?”
“You’ve been glum, chum.” She chuckled, amused with herself. “What’s up? Did you lose your girlfriend? Because I’m sensing you’ve joined the lovelorn.”
“I don’t know.”
“How can you not know?”
He sipped his coffee, his appetite absent though he’d ordered food to keep Auggie off his back. “That’s what’s so baffling. We had the best time at her sister’s wedding. We only argue about TV shows that she’s clearly wrong about.”
“You and your Daleks.”
He ignored that. “We have the most amazing connection. And, I mean, in bed…” He cleared his throat. “Let’s just say it’s off-the-charts hot.”
“Good for you, studly. So what’s the problem? Is she not emotional enough for you? Too ‘dramatic,’ as I’ve often been accused of being?”
“No. She, uh, she told me she loves me.”
