Lily lets out a loud cry, her little hands slapping at the bottle as I try again to put it in her mouth. I’ve barely managed to get much food in her over the past twenty-four hours.
“I think she’s sick.”
“Want me to come over?” Bast asks.
“Can you bring doc?”
“Sure, man.” Bast hangs up without a goodbye.
“Come on, Lily flower,” I whisper to my daughter, “Work with me here.”
My life has completely changed. One minute I was content being alone, planning to remain that way for life, then a tiny human became completely dependent on me for survival. How the fuck does this even happen!? How is this real life!?
My skin prickles with unease, my stomach knotting in a way it used to when I was a kid. I knew something bad was going to happen when the doors in the house slammed and voices rose as my older brother fought with our father. I knew pain followed, and there was nothing I could do at the time to stop the panic rising, like a tidal wave growing stronger as it dragged the ocean into its grasp. That’s what this feels like, icy claws digging in deep. My heart is racing, my skin is clammy, and the air is becoming sparse.
I haven’t had a panic attack in years.
I thought I was over this.
But becoming a father, becoming something I never wanted to be, has me deep diving into the past. You’d think killing people for a living, hacking and scheming, and plotting would somehow harden this shell of mine, but no. It just proves how finite we, as human beings, are.
Lily continues to cry, the bottle now on my couch and dripping milk onto the cushions while I hold her, unable to move, to talk, to breathe.
I don’t know how long it takes for Bast to show up, but eventually he does, Willow and the organization’s on-call doctor following.
“Dean,” Bast touches my shoulder while Willow gently removes Lily from my arms, immediately settling her with a bottle. My eyes flick to her, watching her with my daughter and how easy it was for her to get her to settle.
“Breathe,” Bast orders.
“Please give me some space,” The doctor drops his briefcase and comes toward me, but it’s like I’m watching from somewhere outside of my body. I listen and I see, but numbness has seeped into my limbs.
“I’m fine,” I snap at my brother, Savannah hovering in the doorway. Bast, Willow, and the doc left an hour ago after I assured them I was fine. Lily is sleeping. She’s fed and changed, and I can breathe again. I don’t know why the fuck my brother is here.
“You had a panic attack,” My brother grumbles, “You haven’t had one of those since we were kids.”
“I’m fucking tired,” I push away from him, feeling the itch on my skin. I need to get the fuck out of here, I need to be alone. But I can’t. I can’t fucking leave. I can’t be reckless or fucking selfish. I have a child now.
The foundation is crumbling beneath me, cracks forming and splintering the very ground I am standing on. Darkness looms, beckoning with a crook of a finger.
“You need help, Dean,” Savannah says gently.
It takes everything in me not to snap at her too, neither she nor my brother deserves it, but I’m used to being alone. Ilikebeing alone.
“Fuck,” I bark, my frustration snapping out of me with a quick, hard slap against the wall. I’m the calm one, the quiet one, the one who is always in fucking control, and I’m losing it. I haven’t found Seline, I don’t know how to be a father.
“It’s okay,” Savannah continues, easing her way toward me, “We can do this.”
I shake my head, “How!?”
I see my brother hovering, watching like a hawk, waiting for me to bite. He’ll jump in, he’ll fight me to protect her, and for a split second, envy joins the panic that swirls inside my gut. Happiness. He finally found happiness, after years of torturing himself, of taking the blame for what happened to us as kids. He found happiness with our best friend’s little sister, and here I am, jealous of what he has.
I feel unhinged.
“You need to sleep,” He speaks in a tone that’s both flat and authoritative.
“I don’t fucking sleep.” I hiss at him.
“Dean,” Savannah says my name gently, as if she’s dealing with a nervous animal and not a man she’s known for over half of her life.
