I don’t bother to tell her it’s impossible to relax. I sip my tea and stare at the antique table in front of me. It barely seems like any time passes by the time Olivia returns.
“He’s giving him a call,” Olivia assures me, “See if he can help.”
I nod and then my spine stiffens at the sound of new footsteps entering the room. Olivia looks behind me and then stands, “I’ll be in the kitchen,” She tells me.
I keep my face forward, but I know it’s Bast. His presence is something I’m acutely aware of, it’s like the air all around me becomes electrified with it and I could recognize his smell in a crowded room. His body lowers next to me but there’s space between us, the gap between his thigh and mine feeling cold.
“Red,” He rasps.
I turn my eyes toward him, seeing the same dark circles beneath his eyes that are under mine. It’s those shadows that make me believe this isn’t asokayas he keeps saying it is.
“I need you to tell me the truth,” I say in a whisper, “I need to know. Don’t just say it’s okay, Sebastian, I know it isn’t that simple.”
“Malakai got hold of Doc,” His voice comes out strained, “He’ll be here soon.”
“Answer me,” I swallow, “Please.”
He drops my eyes to look at my abdomen like he can see right through me, “It isn’t that simple.” He confirms. “But I meant what I said last night, I’m not going to let you down.”
“I know you’re not,” I sigh, “But I don’t want to force you into something you don’t want.”
“Who said I don’t want this, Red?” He suddenlycloses the gap between us, “It isn’t simple, no, but don’t think for a second this isn’t something I want. I’ve never thought about it, never thought I’d get it but if I’m going to have it with anyone, I’m fucking glad it’s you. I wouldn’t want it with anyone else, do you understand me?”
His finger curls under my chin to bring my eyes back to his, “Do you understand me, Red?” He growls.
“Yes,” I stutter.
“That baby ismine,” His teeth grind, “You are mine.”
“I’m not sure I’m going to be a good mother, Bast.” I tell him honestly.
“Why would you say that?” His brows knot.
I shake my head with a shrug, “I just…”
A knock interrupts my sentence, “The doc has just pulled in,” Olivia says to both of us, “Do you want to speak in here or somewhere more private?”
“Here is fine,” I tell her, “Thank you.”
She gives me a soft smile before leaving to retrieve the doctor.
“This conversation isn’t over,” Sebastian warns me.
But for me, it is. I don’t know how to tell Sebastian how I was raised, how my mother still haunts me long after she died and the fear that I could be like her without even realizing it.
No, I don’t believe I have it in me to be as nasty as her but the only experience I have with parenting is how she parented me. What if it’s a curse?
The doctor disrupts my thoughts and for the next hour, I push them to the back of my mind while I speak with him, Sebastian remaining close as we talk.
He confirms it, placing me around six weeks pregnant, still incredibly early and high risk.
When he tells me that, a new kind of fear takes root. I wrap an arm protectively around my middle as if that could stop any possible harm coming to the life growing inside of me.
“The first trimester is always the highest risk,” He says gently, “I’ll book you for an ultrasound in two weeks.”
He types something on a laptop and a second later, my phone dings with an email, “All the details are in that message, including the OBGYN I have referred you to.”
“Thank you,” I mumble.
