His hand remained splayed across my abdomen all night, his thumb rubbing soft circles against my skin.
At least I don’t have to worry about how he’ll take it. Granted, I expected a reaction like mine but of course not, it’s Sebastian. He was calm, collected while I was falling apart and still am falling apart.
“How are you feeling?” Olivia asks nervously, perching on the coffee table ahead of me.
I sigh and shake my head, “How am I supposed to do this?”
“One step at a time is how,” She says softly.
“What if I’m like her?” I ask the question that’s been at the forefront of my mind since I peed on that damn stick yesterday morning. I didn’t voice it to Bast because he doesn’t know about my mother and my upbringing. I like to believe I’m nothing like the woman that birthed me but what if I’m wrong?
What if I fuck up?
What if she fucked me up so bad I mess up my own kid’s life?
I squeeze my eyes closed against the sting of tears. I don’t want to keep crying, what good does crying do?
“You’re nothing like your mother, Willow,” Olivia says sternly, “Absolutely nothing like her.”
“I didn’t want children, you know,” I speak to the mug rather than my best friend. I know she’ll never judge me, but I feel ashamed nonetheless, “I’m too selfish. Too afraid of fucking up. I don’t know the first thing about babies, Oli.”
Gently, Olivia takes the mug out of my hand and then grasps it, squeezing, “It’s okay to feel like this, Willow.”
I shake my head, “It isn’t.”
“Yes, it is,” Her fingers squeeze mine, “It’s terrifying, something you haven’t planned for, of course it’s okay to be worried. But that doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person, Willow. It just means you’re human.”
My nose stings, “I know I have options.”
“You do,” Olivia agrees, “Have you thought about them?”
“All night,” I admit. “But when I thought about them, they made me feel sick.”
Olivia remains quiet as I wet my parched lips.
“It doesn’t make sense,” I scoff, “I’m terrified and yet the idea of giving this up opens this giant pit inside of me and I’ve only known about it for twenty-four hours. How is that possible?”
“Because that baby is a part of you,” She whispers, “It’s okay.”
“Sebastian keeps saying it’s okay too,” I frown, “I don’t actually know how he feels.”
“Maybe it is okay with him,” Olivia suggests, “You know Bast.”
“I don’t even know if we aretogether.”
At this, my best friend laughs, “Of course you’re together, what else would you be?”
My teeth capture my lip and I begin to gnaw on it, my mind going through everything that’s happened between us. Are we strong enough for this? What about his life? His job? He beat a man half to death for touching me, what’s he going to be like with a child?
I let go of Oli’s hand and reach for my tea, taking a sip of the warm liquid. Sebastian is in this house somewhere, talking with Malakai and the guys. Is he panicking like I am right now? Was his calmness all a show just to keep me happy? How does he really feel about this? Because I don’t, for one minute, believe he’s justokaywith this.
“I need to get it confirmed,” I say. I only did one test and it’s completely possible it’s a false positive. I probably should have retested but this panic has me staying far, far away from the other tests I have. I’d rather have a professional confirm it.
“Malakai has a doctor on hand,” Olivia says, “Not sure if he’ll be able to help but it’s worth a shot, right?”
I nod slowly.
“Let me go ask him,” She says, “Stay here, relax.”
