I yank open the driver’s door, quickly climb in and slam it shut behind me. Gripping the steering wheel tightly, I lean forward to turn the key in the ignition, my breaths coming in ragged gasps.
Please don’t let me down now, Van-essa.
I press my foot on the accelerator, and the van lurches forward with a screech from its tires, even though it’s not moving quickly. As I merge onto the road, a whimper escapes my lips.
It’s over.
“Boo.” Saylor’s sad voice comes from the passenger seat.
I’m so consumed with the effort to keep myself together enough to drive that he didn’t even startle me when he just appeared. He reaches out, gently brushing my upper arm, and tingles spread over my skin.
His touch wreaks havoc on my self-control, and I fall apart, starting to sob.
“Slo, pull over,” Saylor urges, concern evident in his tone.
The road stretches emptily before me, flanked by trees on either side.
I wouldn’t hurt anyone but myself if I crashed into one of them.
“Sloan!” Saylor’s voice rises in panic.
I shake my head, trying to dispel the dark thought that just came out of nowhere, and pull over to the side of the road. Turning off the engine, I finally break down, drawing my feet onto the seat. I wrap my arms around my knees, burying my face in them as my body convulses with sobs.
What did I do?
Why did I let them in?
I don’t know if I’m strong enough to return to how it was before I met them.
If that’s even a thing. There wasbefore them, and now, there’safter them.
And the after is much worse.
“It’ll be okay,” Saylor reassures me, though his voice is laced with pain. “These idiots just realized their mistake. They know they’ve lost something precious now, and even those asshats aren’t foolish enough to let you go so easily.” He turns to look out the window and mutters, “Even if they should leave you the fuck alone after that shit show.”
Alone.Maybe it’s better like this.
“I’m done, Saylor. Fucking done. The moment people see the real me, they leave. I’m just… weird. I should just stay alone. That way, I won’t scare anyone off, and no one can hurt me in return. I’m so done hurting.”
So done.
“You have no idea how much I hate it that I can’t pull you into my lap and hug you right now,” Saylor whispers, his voice thick with emotion. A comforting feeling spreads on my back as if he’s stroking it. “You’ll never be alone again, Slo. I swear. I’m not going anywhere.”
“But that’s not true either. Don’t lie to me. You left me for ten days. You could leave now. You wouldn’t mean to, but it is still going to happen.” He flinches, and I can feel the pain radiating from him at my words, so I quickly apologize. “I’m sorry. That’s unfair. You have been the only constant, and I know you don’t have any control over when you leave and come back.”
Sitting up, I turn to face him. His sorrowful ocean eyes locked onto mine.
Thisisnot fair to him. All I’m doing is pulling him down with me while he deserves so much more.
“You need to finally move on, Saylor. It’s not okay to keep you here. Heaven is waiting for you.” I try to sound convincing, but my voice breaks.
Losing him would be the final stab. But I just saw how much joy and peace stepping into the light brought Jessica.
Can I really keep him from that?
Just because I can’t be alone?
Just because I love him?
