But heisalone.
He hides it well, but right at this moment, I see it in his open, vulnerable gaze, in his stance. He’s standing in front of me, pleading with his eyes for me to understand.
“I know the feeling. I’m always alone too,” I mutter, fiddling with the sea glass.
He steps closer to me, his hand cupping my cheek, urging me to look into his ocean blue eyes. “I don’t feel alone when you’re with me.”
I give him a sad smile. “I don’t either when you’re around.”
And that’s the truth. He makes me feel less alone. It’s the whole reason why I can’t stay away, not even when I knew I would hurt Saylor.
“Sleep in my bed tonight?” he asks, his eyes filled with longing.
“Nash, I told you I?—”
“Nothing is going to happen. Let’s just be alone together? I want to sleep with you, but in an innocent way,” he mutters, letting go of me to scratch his neck, looking adorably flustered. “The nights are the worst, and I think it wouldn’t be that bad if you were there.”
“Last time you had the chance to sleep in my bed, you fled,” I joke, but it’s evident to both of us that still stings. Enough for me to hesitate.
“I was stupid. I wanted to stay, but it was just. I don’t know. Too much? I’m confused. I can’t tell you what is going on in my head. I only know I want to have you with me.” Nash shrugs nonchalantly, yet the glint in his eyes is everything but.
This certainly will not help the crush that I need to get rid of, which is already flaring up again after this amazing experience he gave me today.
And Saylor would scream at me not to do it, but he’s still gone.
Maybe forever.
It will definitely drive me even deeper into this mess.
But he needs someone in his corner. Just like I do.
“I need the lights on and some music playing in the background,” I mumble, looking at my feet.
“As if that would be a problem,” he tells me softly.
When I look back into his eyes, he gazes at me with curiosity, his head tilted. “Okay.” I let out a breath. “Sure. I’ll sleep in your bed tonight.”
FORTY-TWO
The world is a hazy blur,distorted by the medication coursing through my veins. The darkness is still relentless, and the despair threatens to consume me. I can barely make out the shapes around me when, suddenly, a chill runs down my neck and a familiar voice calls out my name. “Sloany,” the voice whispers gently, and in my drugged state, it sounds distant and dreamlike.
“Nan?” I mumble, tears welling in my eyes as the fog in my mind clears just enough to recognize her voice.
Am I dreaming again?
“Yes, my sweet girl,” she replies, and I feel her presence in the shadows beside me. I can only see her silhouette in the dark, but a wave of love washes over me. She reaches out a hand, and I try to reach back, but the restraints hold me in place.
My sobs break through the haze, and I realize what’s happening. “Nan, you… you’re not supposed to be here. You… you died.”
Her voice trembles with sadness, mirroring the tears in my eyes. “I know, my love. I’m so sorry. I wanted to be there for you when you get out, to hold on for a little longer, but I couldn’t. My body was too weak. But now, you’re the one whohas to hold on for a few more days. The lawyers nearly made it. Soon you’ll be out of here.”
I can’t help but cry harder, my voice cracking as I plead, “I don’t know if I can, Nan. It’s so dark. I don’t even know what’s real anymore. Or if I even want to get out of here if you’re not there anymore.”
Nan leans closer, whispering in my ear, “You can, Sloany. You’re stronger than you know. Remember everything I taught you. The light is there, just beyond the darkness. And I promise everything will be all right.”
I’m desperate, wanting to hold her, to feel her warm embrace one last time. “Please, Nan, don’t go. Stay with me.”
“I can’t stay, my dear. The light is calling me home, but I wanted to say goodbye, to tell you that I love you, and I’m so proud of you.”
