“You’ve made me feel like I have to do this myself. Whether or not that was your intention, I’m still here day in and day out doing this. And I don’t even want to be. I’m not ready for this and I’m forcing myself to be. But I’m tired of it.”
“How… how have I made you feel that way? Please. Explain it to me. Because if I’m not at practice, or playing a game, doing my job, I’m here.”
“This,” she shouts. “This is your job.” As she points to the bassinet.
I don’t know what I’m missing, but there’s something she isn’t saying. There has to be. Everything we’re doing right now is exactly as we discussed before CeCe was even born.
“She never sleeps.” Kristen laughs, but it’s filled with sarcasm. “Until, of course, right at this moment when I’m trying to make a point.”
“It’s never been my intention to make you feel like you were in this alone. If anything I’ve said or done has made it seem that way, then fuck, I’m so sorry, Kris. Because this”—I wave my hand around the room and then take her fingers in mine—“you, CeCe, this imperfect little life we have here is what I want. It’s my priority and the most important thing to me.”
“That’s the difference between us, though, Chase.” She pulls her hand from mine and takes a step back. Her hair falling over her shoulders. “I don’t want it.”
“What do you mean? Where are you going?” I trail after her as she walks around the room like I’m a lost fucking dog waiting for her to throw me a bone.
“I’m going to stay with a friend for a while to give myself time to sort this out.”
“What friend?”
“Don’t try to make me think you’re jealous. I’ve known since the beginning we were just fuck buddies who happened to get pregnant and you wanted to be the good guy and stick it out.”
“Would you rather I have been a deadbeat and just fucking left you? I’ve wanted to be a dad my entire life. Yeah, the circumstances are different than I thought they would be, but who the hell cares?”
She lets out an exasperated sigh. “I’m leaving, Chase.”
The finality of her words cut threw me like a knife. Kristen and I are two people who aren’t in love and I know that. I’ve tried like hell to make her life as good as it could be ever since we found out she was pregnant. I was shocked when I found out, so much so that I all but accused her of sleeping around by asking if she was sure it was mine. But I never thought about leaving her to do it alone. I never thought about anything otherthan doing the best I could do raising a baby I wasn’t expecting, but wanted with my whole heart.
“If you need some space for the night, then fine. I won’t try to stop you.”
“This isn’t just for the night. I need my life back. You can think I’m selfish and a horrible person, God knows that’s what your sister and her friends will think the moment you tell them. But I’m playing a part here that I don’t want to play.”
“Kris, if you don’t want to be with me then I can accept that. We can work this parenting thing out and just be friends. But don’t leave her. She needs a mother. If you’re upset with me, take it out on me. Scream at me, key my truck, hit me for all I care. But don’t take it out on her. Please, don’t do that to her. Don’t leave her.”
“You know why you’ll be better at this then I will ever be?” She comes closer to me, dropping her bag at her feet without even glancing back to CeCe.
My eyes are burning and my brain is short circuiting trying to process what’s going on.
“You’re selfless. You’ll put her first because you want to. I thought I could force it, but I can’t keep playing house when I’m not ready for it.”
PRESENT
The door swings open and CeCe comes barreling into the living room, but stops when she reaches the couch, careful not to even touch me. She’s carrying a bunch of papers she must’ve colored while she was with my sister. I swear, at the rate she colors, draws, and paints, I’m going to have an art gallery in my apartment soon.
“How are you doing?” my mom asks when she walks in behind her.
“Fine.” I pull CeCe onto the couch next to me, giving her a kiss on the cheek before she wiggles away and heads down the hall to her bedroom.
“I see Summer stopped by,” she says, gesturing to the bag she left.
“She did… for a bit.”
“Oh, Chase… don’t do that. Not with Summer,” she says with a shake of her head.
“Do what?”
“Push her away when she’s trying to help you. I know you.” Her eyes narrow at me suspiciously.
“I wasn’t trying to push her away. She’s just a lot sometimes, Ma, and I’m still not in the mood to deal with people. It doesn’t feel fair to have her here and take my frustration out on her.”
