“What are you doing?”
“I was looking for candles and a lighter.” She reaches down, fixing the t-shirt that’s riding up. “I just can’t reach up there so I'm not sure if there’s anything we can use.”
“Let me,” I say, moving to where she is.
Her breath snags as I stand with my chest to hers, involuntarily pinning her against the counter, and her palms press against the countertop.
My ears suddenly become in tune with hearing Summer’s breathing, as if the storm outside is no longer there and Ican hear her taking slow, steady breaths. I can hear her heart pounding as we both stand here in the darkness.
When I back away from her I watch her exhale a deep breath, and her shoulders slowly fall and relax.
“Is CeCe okay?”
“Still out like a light.” I pull a glass candle down from the top cabinet. Who knows how long this has been up there, but it’ll do in a pinch like this.
“Can I ask you a question now? It’s kind of personal, but I’m just curious,” Summer says once she lights the candle and we settle back into the living room. She brings her legs up, crossing them at her ankles and propping a pillow behind her head.
“All right.”
“Do you hate Kristen?”
Her question stuns me. I wouldn’t have expected Summer to bring her up. I know she was never her biggest fan.
“Where’d that come from?” I ask, pulling one arm behind my head as I lean back.
In the darkness it’s hard to see much with just the candle, but her eyes light up. It’s almost as if the flame itself ignites them even brighter.
“It’s just something I’ve wondered about. If you don’t want to talk about it I respect that, though. Just say the word and I’ll—” She runs her finger across her lips like she’s zipping them up.
“No.” My answer comes without hesitation, nearly cutting her off.
How could I hate the woman who gave me the greatest gift I could ever ask for? I may not like her a lot of the time, we may be at odds and she has definitely done things that I can’t even begin to understand, but do I hate her? No. I can’t.
“I was mad at her at first. I didn’t understand. I couldn’t wrap my head around her decision. I spent months thinking of every vile thing I could say to her if she ever responded to anyof my messages or showed up again. All that time and energy… I can’t get those months back. The moments I sat idly in this living room staring at the wall with rage, letting CeCe play on the floor in front of me or the moments she would be screaming at night, crying herself to sleep. I did what I could to console her. I tried fucking everything I could think of. I called my mom and my sister for help. Shit, I know everyone tried to help. I missed practices and meetings. I let myself be angry with Kristen for a long time, too long.” I sigh, letting that time race through my mind. It’s foggy, yet I can see it like it was yesterday. I can’t explain it.
“Now, I’m disappointed in her more than anything. God, what a fucking dad thing to say, huh?” Summer softly smiles. “I still tell her when we’re doing parties for CeCe. I’ve told her to stop by. But she never even replies.”
I shrug, looking everywhere but at Summer. I know her expression will show pity, sadness, all things I don’t want to be faced with because I’ve moved on from those feelings.
“I don’t hate her. I don’t think I even dislike her. I just feel indifferent about her. She’s still the mother of my child, I’ll never belittle her, especially not in front of CeCe. I just wish she would’ve stuck around for her.”
“You’re a better man than most.” Her voice is just a whisper.
I scoff, shaking my head. “Am I? Because there are days where I feel like I should hate her. Even though I can’t bring myself to it. There are days where I’m watching CeCe play or I’m watching as she’s learning something new and in those small instances, I want to hate her for missing it. I want to track her down and bring her back here to see this amazing kid she left.”
“CeCe is amazing because of you,” Summer says quietly, and my head jerks in her direction, noticing a small piece of blonde hair falling into her face. “You have handled every single tough day you’ve had. Was it always pretty? Of course not, but CeCelooks at you and she sees a superhero.Hersuperhero. That’s what you are to her. You’ve dealt with emotions and demons that we probably have no idea about, Chase. I honestly can’t even imagine how you were feeling when everything was so fresh. I know you weren’t in love with Kristen, but she still broke your heart.”
I’m not sure what prompted Summer to ask about Kristen tonight, but there’s a small part of me that’s glad she did. I think most people just assume I hate her. It’s refreshing to see that Summer isn’t most people.
“Well, you saw me in the days after… I was a fucking disaster. Didn’t know up from down, could barely console my own child. It was chaos. It’s why… I don’t know, I guess it’s why now I make everything as routine as I can.” Summer and I both laugh as I remember life three years ago.
“Yeah, you’re definitely very particular. But look at you now.” She smiles. “It’s nice, you know? Despite all of the things you were dealing with back then, you turned that pain into growth. You healed so you could be everything you are for CeCe. You did that for her. She’s amazing because of you.”
I have to give credit where it’s due and sometimes Summer surprises me.
“So, I guess you’re not all sarcasm and jokes… you can be serious too.”
A low rumble fills my chest as I look at her.
