It’s more of a hassle than anything to even attempt a night out anyway. I’m not interested in trying to make extra arrangements for someone to watch CeCe when I’m already away from her all day long, just for me to have beers and watchhockey. I can do that on my couch after I’ve tucked my daughter into bed.
My friends understand my situation, but it doesn’t stop them from trying to get me to go out with them whenever the occasion arises. They knew me “pre-dad” and have seen it all unfold over the last few years. From the moment I found out I was going to be a dad, to now, and everything in between. It isn’t that I don’t want to go out and have some time to myself, I just can’t. The guilt creeps in any time I even think about doing something.
I’m the only parent CeCe has around, and I refuse to spend extra time away from her for things that aren’t important. When Kristen left shortly after CeCe was born three years ago, I made a promise to myself. A vow to keep my vision on track and keep my family at the forefront of what’s important. CeCe would never have to wonder about me or my priorities because sheismy priority. I know my friends understand that.
I may be a single man, but I don’t have the luxury of a single life anymore. My responsibilities are all waiting for me at home. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss the company of a woman at times, but I don’t even allow my mind to wander long enough to those thoughts to let them have any control over me. I’m a different man now. Some people choose to use words like uptight or overprotective, I’ve even been told I’m downright rude once or twice. But I had to grow up. I had to take on the role of two parents for my child and I’m doing it the best way I know how.
Adding responsibilities to my plate isn’t something new to me—I became the man of my house when my father died years ago, constantly making sure my mother and sister were taken care of. And once I had CeCe, my role as a provider only intensified.
I choose to be direct and upfront with people about what’s important in my life. I look at CeCe and there hasn’t been asingle moment that I regret anything, not a single moment that I haven’t wanted exactly this. CeCe is the very best part of me.
I won’t be another person who fails her.
I never expected to be doing this parenting thing on my own. None of this is how I expected it to be. I always assumed one day I’d get married and children would follow, not a casual hookup buddy turned into a half ass relationship, followed by becoming a single dad. In the end, Kristen didn’t want to be with me and that’s fine. But the fact that she doesn’t wanther? It’s a cruel reality I’ll never understand.
When I get home, before the door is even closed behind me, I can hear the pitter patter of little feet running toward me. The screams of excitement and the happy laughter get closer, a warning that CeCe is about to barrel right into me. Just as I put my bag down, the sight of a blue princess dress comes into view.
“Daddy!”
“Hey, Peanut,” I say as she flies into my leg, gripping it tightly. I bend down to pick her up, kissing her head before pulling back and smiling. She smells like cinnamon, a clear indication that she’s been doing something in the kitchen with my sister. CeCe’s honey colored hair sticks to my beard and I wipe some kind of batter off of her cheek.
“What’s going on here?” I ask Abby as I walk us both into the kitchen.
“We made snickerdoodle cookies.” My sister smiles, wiping her hands with a dish towel. “Well, I made them, CeCe was more of a… taste tester, if you will.” She laughs and places the towel on the counter.
It ended up being a blessing in disguise that my sister moved here a few years ago. And an added blessing that she has so much flexibility in her schedule to help me with CeCe as often as she does. She recently stopped teaching kindergarten to focus more on the downtown Recreation Center that she and Ford invest so much of their time and funds into. Our mom doesn’t live nearby so Abby has really stepped into the role of being my primary helper for CeCe. I’ve had a few teammates suggest hiring a nanny, but I’ve heard fucking horror stories about stolen items, them not showing up, and even the occasional one who tries to make a move on an unsuspecting single dad. No fucking thank you. Those are all things I’m not interested in dealing with. Abby’s been a lifesaver and CeCe loves spending time with her.
CeCe wiggles out of my arms and runs down the hallway toward her bedroom, closing her door only to whip it open not a minute later and come running back with a piece of paper in her hand.
“For you,” she says sweetly, giving me the smile that’s had me wrapped around her finger since the moment she was born. One little dimple and squinty eyes as she beams up at me.
“Wow. What is this right here?” I ask, pointing to a giant blob of pink, purple and sparkly blue crayon.
“It’s a unicorn!” CeCe shouts, as if it’s obvious.
“Oh, right, okay, I see it now. Great job! But hey, we need to leave for gymnastics soon, go get your leotard out. I’ll be right there to help you.”
“Yeah, Chase, that’s a unicorn,” Abby teases, pointing at the drawing.
I smile at my sister and lean against the counter while she cleans up.
“Thanks for today.” I finally let an exhausted yawn leave my chest.
“No problem. Also, she mentioned her ear hurt. No fever or anything, I checked. She’s acting totally normal.”
I always feel a rush of panic whenever CeCe says something hurts or she doesn’t feel good. It makes me question everything we did the previous day, things she ate, who she saw. All trying to jog my brain and figure out what could be wrong.
“Okay, I’ll keep an eye on it. Thanks. What would we do without you?” I cross my arms over my chest.
“Who knows?” she jokes. “I’m sure one of these days you’ll have to figure it out.”
The smallest hint of annoyance creeps up my neck thinking of a day where someone other than my sister or mother watches my daughter, but I quickly remind myself Abby has her own life and her own responsibilities. The fact that she’s helped me as much as she has already is more than I could have ever expected.
My thoughts are put on hold when I hear myself being summoned from the back bedroom.
“Daddy!”
I move to make my way down the hall only to see CeCe walk out of her room before I get there with her leotard on wearing a proud smile.
