“I did it!”
One of the shoulder straps on the pink and orange leotard is slightly falling, but CeCe pulls it back up and gives me a thumbs up. When I smile, she does a twirl and nearly loses her footing but catches herself on the wall before she bursts out in a fit of laughter. She runs past me and back toward Abby, lunging into her arms.
“Should we fix your hair before you leave?” Abby reaches for the small hair tie on the counter and splashes a bit of water on her hand before she smooths out the wild strands of CeCe’s hair. All the while, CeCe’s brown eyes are focused on the coloringbook she swiped from the counter, flipping through the pages to seemingly admire her own work.
The other day, CeCe asked me to braid her hair. A question I should have expected, but was dreading all the same. Another little girl in her class had her hair braided and CeCe couldn’t wait to get home and ask me for one. It felt like a punch in the gut when I had to tell her I wasn’t sure how to do one and she looked at me with the saddest eyes before telling me, “it’s okay.” I assured her that I’d learn, though; so every night before I’ve gone to sleep, tutorial videos have been my best friend. I grabbed one of her dolls to test it out on, but turns out it's just as confusing as I thought it would be. I’ll get the hang of it, but fuck, if it isn’t one of the more confusing things I’ve had to learn.
“I’m going to take some of these cookies home for Ford, but there are some already in the blue jar. You can save the rest in the freezer so they don’t go bad,” Abby says, gathering cookies from the sheet and placing them into a Ziploc bag.
“Okay, thanks. CeCe, what do we say to Aunt Abby before she leaves?”
CeCe thanks my sister and gives her a giant hug and kiss before she goes back in her bedroom to get her shoes and we head out ourselves.
A few months ago, I wanted to get CeCe signed up for some kind of sport or activity since she isn’t in school just yet and figured it would be good for her. As I expected, gymnastics is a huge hit. She gets excited to try new things and I love that I can sit and watch her learn. It’s mostly the moms there and I know CeCe notices that. For being only three years old, she’s incredibly perceptive. Some days, the things her imagination comes up with or the questions her little brain decides to ask, floor me.
As I’m watching her from the window at gymnastics, I see her eyes searching for me from the gym floor. When she finds me,her thumb, index, and pinky finger go up. I bring my fingers up in front of the glass mimicking the gesture for her to see and her face lights up.
It’s a relief to me that she’s so outgoing. She loves being around people. She loves talking and singing and dancing. She enjoys making friends and being social. A massive contrast from me.
I’ll be the first to admit I can be untrusting, even dull at times, but every decision I have made in the last three years has been for the benefit of my daughter. I shed so much of the person I used to be, I don’t even recall much about that man. The only thing that matters right now is CeCe.
“So, what are you getting at?” My eyes narrow as my boyfriend gets out of my bed.
He leans forward and runs his hand under my chin, a gesture that I think he believes to be sweet or romantic, but I actually find it incredibly uncomfortable. Like he’s purposely pointing out my double chin when he does it.
Drew starts pulling his scrubs over his shoulders while I sit on my bed covered by a sheet as the rain falls outside my window. It feels every bit like I’m in some early 2000’s pop music video.
The two of us hadn’t spent the night together in weeks and last night really was no different. It felt platonic… at best. We cuddled and I made it very clear I wanted more,neededmore, but he wouldn’t budge. I would never force it. I’ve always been the one with the bigger appetite in our relationship, but aside from that, something felt off. And not just last night or thismorning, but for weeks. Not feeling desired or wanted in a relationship feels every bit as crappy as one would assume.
On paper, Drew and I make sense. He’s about to officially become a doctor and I’m currently a pediatric nurse. We both work at the same hospital and have nearly identical shifts. We care deeply about our jobs and we’re both good at what we do. But outside of the fluorescent lights and sterile gloves, we couldn’t be more different.
He’s Dockers and cufflinks, weekends spent at conferences and constantly beingon. While I live in the moment more, and I don’t feel like being a nurse defines every part of me. That’s my job, yes, but it’s not who I am.
To his credit, when we first started dating, I do think I fit his picture of what he wanted in a partner. I was eager to begin working in the hospital and I let that excitement consume me at first, which is probably what he liked. It’s almost as if the more he got to know me, the less he liked me.
“I’ve got to be at the hospital in thirty minutes, I don’t think we have time to dive into everything right now.” Drew pulls the drawstring on his pants, tightening them as he walks toward the bathroom.
I can hear the water running and the sound of him brushing his teeth. What the hell does he mean we don’t have time to dive into everything? How much could there possibly be to discuss?
Swinging my legs over the side of the bed, I toss a tank top over my bare chest and throw some shorts over my underwear before getting up. A quick chill runs down my spine when he reenters the bedroom.
“You just told me things between us have changed and I agree things do feel different. But shouldn’t you elaborate? Shouldn’t we discuss this?”
My fingernails feel like they’re digging into my hips while I stand there in front of him. I’m no idiot, I can see where theconversation is going and I don’t have any objections as to how it ends, but be a fucking man and spit it out.
“Why don’t we have lunch together later and we can discuss it then?”
“No. We need to talk and I think we should do it now. I think I know what you’re going to say and I… I agree with you. Things are different and it’s not fair to either of us.”
His head lowers slightly, reaching for my hand and like a complete fool I let him take it.
“I just don’t want to waste time anymore. I’m about to really settle into my career and I’m looking for someone serious. I’m ready for a wife, Summer. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I just need someone who is ready for those things.”
My mind is saying a thousand words, but none seem to leave my lips as I stand there.
“You’ve been a lot of fun, but I can’t do this anymore. It’s too hard to change who you are and I need someone serious, someone who wants the same things I do. And I think we both know you aren’t ready for marriage, you have a lot of growing up to do.”
I was fine with everything he said up until the last part. I understand that he’s ready for a wife. I’m not there yet. I understand that’s why we’ve been so distant lately, he checked out. I can respect that.
