“I’m coming, I’m coming.” Abby scurries to the living room floor and sits on the other side of me, bringing coffee and bagels and setting them down. I pull myself up and lean against the couch as both of them stare at me intently.
“I almost kissed him,” I confess. “I wanted to. God, I wanted to. But in an instant, years of friendship flew through my mind and I panicked. Because once we kiss, that crosses another line—a more intimate one.”
“What do you mean by another line? What else happened?” Summer takes a bite of her bagel, but watches me as she chews.
“Something happened. Well, two things. God, it was good. No, it was unbelievable. One night, I heard him in the shower… he said my name.” Summer and Abby exchange looks as I continue. “And it felt so good. For a moment, I remembered what it felt like to be wanted by Nate Campbell and that just ignited something inside me.”
“Well, I think you knew that his feelings were there…” Summer trails off.
“I just… I didn’t believe it because his actions have always been the same. Until that night—that night, the actions were very different. After that, I started to consider it as a real possibility.”
Being the object of Nate’s affection is both exciting and intimidating. Over the last few weeks I’ve experienced a side to Nate that I’ve never seen—never thought I’d see—and while it was confusing in a lot of ways, it was also captivating and made me feel desired in a way I’ve never felt.
“He didn’t touch me. Not a single finger. And it was the hardest I’ve ever come from an orgasm. Until of course, the next time, when hedidtouch me and I swear my soul left my body.” I place both hands on my cheeks, moving them to my eyes and running them down my face. “It was what he said, his words. The way he would talk to a woman that he’s intimate with… it’s a side of Nate that I never knew existed, but now that I do… I can’t look at him the same. I don’t know how to.” Reaching for the coffee on my right, I take a quick sip.
“Oh my gosh, I’m sweating just picturing it. Sorry, I shouldn’t be picturing it, but Nate is hot.” Summer’s comment makes me laugh.
“But it wasn’t even just that. Nate and I have this… understanding, this connection, we’ve just always been each other’s person and I’m just torn, I think. We had the best time on the road trip. Honestly, it was so much fun. I watched Nate’s worries just fall off him. I know that sounds cliché and weird, but I swear his happiness depended on this time away.” As I’m sitting here on the floor, sulking over my incredibly dramatic feelings—between the two girls who told me this was bound to happen—a wave of awareness washes over me.
I’ve been afraid of commitment my whole life. I’ve been terrified that letting someone into my personal space, or into my heart, is too risky and will only lead to me being let downand heartbroken like my dad was. I’ve gone through boyfriends and shitty dates for years. Never deeming any of them worthy enough for the long haul because I just didn’t trust it. Didn’t trust them. But I know Nate’s heart. I know that when he says he’d never let anything happen to me, I believe him.
I’ve been so afraid this whole time of losing him as a friend if we ever crossed that line, but I never even considered how it might feel having him in my life as both. I’ve always just assumed if we did take the leap, it would mean losing him as my best friend… but maybe that doesn’t have to be true.
Bringing my knees up to my chest, I look back and forth between Abby and Summer as we sit there in my living room.
An ache forms in my chest as I sit there, eyes welling up. “I think…um, I think I…”
Abby’s hand lands on my knee as she nods her head at me. “We know,” she whispers.
Summer reaches over and hugs me and I just sit there in the realization of what I just came to terms with.
Hey, Connor. I’m back in town.
I’m not someone who can just leave a person hanging. Talking to Connor is the first matter of business on my agenda this morning. Yesterday, Abby and Summer let me have my lightbulb moment while we were sitting in my living room, stuffing our faces with carbs and re-watchingOne Tree Hill.
Connor
That’s great! Hope you had a good trip. I’m in town until tomorrow then we have a road stretch. Are you free tonight?
I’d love to just stop by and talk if you’re home?
Connor
I’m home. I’ll be here all day.
As I’m riding the elevator up to Connor’s, all I’m thinking is I hope Nate doesn’t happen to catch me coming or going.
Last night, I talked to Nate for maybe three minutes. It was the fastest conversation we’ve ever had. It felt like both of us honestly just wanted to get off the phone. He’s going to meet with his agent about something this morning, but he was pretty tight-lipped on the details.
“Come on in!” I hear from the other side of the door as I knock.
I see Connor standing in his dining room, wearing a Tampa Angels t-shirt and black joggers. His dirty blonde hair is just messy enough to look hot, without looking unkempt and while I can look at him and acknowledge he’s attractive, I’m not looking at him the same way I did when we first met.
“How was Wisconsin?” Connor walks over and reaches out to hug me, something we hadn’t done before but I accept it.
“Very… eye opening,” I answer, honestly.
Connor leans himself against the kitchen counter as I stand there, placing my bag on the chair next to me.
