Lennon
We all possessed thenatural instinct of flight or fight. When something goes terribly wrong or when we are presented with horrible news, one or the other always kicked in. But there’s also a third response—freeze.
My feet stuck to the ground, my arms hung limp at my sides, and my phone dangled precariously between my fingers as her words registered in my mind. There were people moving around me, but I couldn’t see their faces through the tears that blurred my vision. My phone dinged, and Melanie had sent the hospital details.
There was an accident.
It echoed in my head. Growing louder and louder until it was the only thing taking up space in my brain. The air I was pulling in wasn’t getting to my lungs. It was stuck in my throat, causing me to choke on nothing.
There was an accident.
My mind flashed to Camden, and I was pulled back in time for a moment. The last time I answered an unknown caller, I was told my husband was dead. The parallel between that day and now was uncanny, and a feeling of déjà vu swept through my senses.It crawled through my veins, making itself known to every molecule in my body.
Fifteen seconds was all I allowed myself. I fell apart for fifteen miserably long seconds before I flew into action and finally reached my car. I pulled out of the crowded parking lot, and for once, I was thankful I lived close to a major city. Sacramento International Airport was about forty-five minutes away, but I made it in under thirty.
With nothing but my purse, and I couldn’t tell you where I parked, I raced inside. The sliding doors parted and I booked it towards the nearest counter and asked for a ticket on the first plane to the Tacoma/Seattle airport. My first sigh of relief came when the employee told me there was a plane leaving in forty-five minutes, which gave me fifteen minutes to make it through security, onto the tram, and to the correct gate. I sent up a thank you to whatever God and patron saint I could think of, since I’d only seen people buy a last-minute ticket at the counter in movies and wasn’t exactly sure it was something done in real life.
When I reached my gate, I slipped into the last spot in the line of people. I handed over my crumpled ticket to the flight attendant while I was doubled over, trying to catch my breath. She threw me a sideways glance, probably wondering if I should even be allowed in, then told me to have a nice flight.
Taking my seat, my hands trembled, causing the buckle to miss the slot a few times before I could click it into place. Ninety minutes—wheels up, wheels down—before I get there. The adrenaline pumping through my system had me on a high, and thankfully, was keeping the spiraling anxiety at bay.
When the plane touched down, I switched on my phone and proceeded to order the closest rideshare before I started the second leg of the apparent track race I was in. When I reached the pickup area, my ride was pulling up, and I ignored every rule about getting in cars with strangers after barely confirming he was here for me before I was begging him to drive as fast as he could to St. Clare Hospital.
Something or someone was on my side–fate, the universe, divine intervention. I could feel it as traffic opened up on the freeway and we hit every green light on the way. I made a mental note to look into going to church once this was all over.
Fate brought me Theo, surely, it wouldn’t take him away.
I hadn’t heard much from Melanie since she called me, only that he was brought in with a head injury and had been unconscious since then. My stomach lurched at even the slightest thought that he might never wake up. He had to wake up. I wouldn’t accept anything less, and I refused to put another man I loved into the ground.
When we pulled up to the hospital, I jumped out, shouting to my driver that five stars and a hefty tip would be on its way. The glass doors to the hospital slid open before I crashed into them, and made a beeline for the nearest nurse counter.
“I’m looking for Theodore Beckett. He was brought in by ambulance,” I gasped out.
There was a pretty young nurse on the other side of the desk who gave me the once over before responding. “And your relationship with the patient?” I realized she was doing her job, but I was so past my breaking point I wanted to scream at her to just tell me where he was.
“I’m his wife.”
It slipped off my tongue so effortlessly that anyone listening in wouldn’t have cause to doubt me. I’d say whatever it took, not willing to risk not being able to see him. She glanced up at me, and for a second, I thought she was going to challenge my answer. The feral look of desperation in my eyes must have been enough because a few seconds later she plied me with his room number and quick directions on how to get there. Before I could push myself away from the counter, she told me not to be alarmed if he wasn’t awake. The knot that formed in my stomach when Melanie called me tightened slightly.
My shoes squeaked against the linoleum floor as I sped down the deserted halls. Within minutes, I was standing in front of his door. My hand hesitated as it reached for the handle. Behind the door was the man I loved, a man that I wanted to make a life with, but for some reason I was once again faced with the idea that I might have to live without him.I drew in a breath and attempted to brace myself for whatever was on the other side.
Pushing the door open, my senses were assaulted by the sterile smell of the room. My knees threatened to give out and send mecrashing to the floor as I took my first steps inside. Time froze as I approached his bedside, only the sound of his heart rate hung in the air.My heart thrashed around in my chest while I registered his battered appearance.
His arm was in a cast. Bruising lined both of his eyes, and there were fresh stitches bordering his hairline. His brown hair hung in limp curls until I reached out to push them off his forehead.He almost looked peaceful despite the damage to his body. But he needed to wake up. I needed to see the green in his eyes more than I needed my next breath.
My legs finally gave out, and I collapsed into the chair by his bedside as a heart-wrenching sob tore through the room. Hot tears poured from my eyes and down my face, and I made no move to wipe them away.
For the second time in my life, I pleaded with him to not to leave me.
“Theo, please do not make me do this again. I will not make it this time.” My voice thick with desperation. “I haven’t had enough time with you. I’m a selfish person, and I am telling you it was not nearly enough time together. You need to wake up,” I demanded.
“Please.”
There was nothing delicate about my request. It was full of agony and bordered on hysteria. But that didn’t matter. I would scream into an empty void for the rest of eternity if it meant he could hear me.
My head fell backwards as I turned my eyes and pleas towards the ceiling. “You cannot have him,” I begged. “Please don’t take himtoo.” If I had to be honest, I don’t know what I believed in, but I could not fathom there was a God that would put me through this twice.
The steady beeping of the machines accompanied my crying as I gently took his free hand into mine. “I haven’t even had the chance to tell you I love you,” I said as I placed a kiss on his hand. My headrested on the edge of the bed and finally I allowed the tears to overcome me.
