The sheets were cool and buttery soft as my legs slid under the covers. I wrestled with the sheets as I searched for comfort, but with Theo mere feet away, it proved hard to find. I wanted to give in, but the moment Camden appeared like an apparition, a thought cropped up in the back of my mind.
He left you once, it said. If you could do something once, it only made it easier to do again.
We remained silent until I couldn’t hold back any longer.
“Can I ask you something?”
His eyebrows rose up. “Ahh, every man’s favorite sentence.” I snorted at his attempt at humor. “Go for it, Lenny.”
I contemplated telling him nevermind but there was a nagging voice in my head that was demanding an answer to the onequestionthat kept me up at night for what seemed like years.
“Why did you leave?” Panic wormed its way through my chest. But I needed to know why he left and for him to tell me history wouldn’t repeat itself.
“You were eighteen. You could have stayed when your parents left, and we had all these plans for our life. But then, I don’t know, you just left. You left me, even though Iknowyou didn’t want to.“ He rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling, his chest moving with each breath he took.
There was a secret on the tip of his tongue waiting to spill over.
“I had an issue,” he started before he took a long pause. “With drinking. Not really a problem at the time, but it would have easily turned into one if I had stayed.”
I shot up to a sitting position and gaped at him.
“What are you talking about? You didn’t have a drinking problem. I would have noticed that, don’t you think?”
My mind raced as I tried to bring up any memory I could conjure of Theo from back then for a sign that I missed, but I came up blank. He was struggling back then, and I didn’t notice. I thought I knew everything about him, but instead I’m finding out that he had to hide a part of himself from me, to the point where he couldn’t stay with me and get the help he wanted. He had to choose.
How often did I blow off plans in order to stay home with Abby or the amount of times I ranted about my issues with my mother without ever thinking about asking how he was?
My eyes fluttered while I attempted to contain my composure, but it was of little use. He was struggling, hurting, and I did nothing.
“Did you leave because I didn’t notice enough to help?” I asked as my voice trembled. He was on his feet faster than I could blink and was at my side.
“No. No, I left because I needed to be better. I wanted to be better. For me and for you. I told myself that I would come back and tell you everything as soon as I could.” He grabbed onto my hands. “I thought I’d be gone for a few months, but then itturned into a few years, and by the time I was ready, you were with Camden. You were happy, and I wouldn’t risk coming back and possibly ruining that.”
My head swam with this newfound knowledge. What else had I been missing? Was I so blind that I couldn’t see what was right in front of me?
“Why didn’t you tell me? I could have helped, I would have waited—“
He cut me off with a sharp, “No.” He leaned over and rested his forehead on mine. “I’m sorry I never told you, Lennon. I wanted to, believe me, I did, but I didn’t know how, so instead I ran. Yeah, I could have asked you to wait for me and you would have because you are an inherently good person, but I only would have hurt you.” He sounded like he was in pain, while telling me all of this. That having to finally speak the words out loud to me brought him back to the tormented feelings he had been carrying for all these years.
He pulled back and peered into my soul. “And I would have rather lived a life without you than one where I caused you any amount of pain.”
He’s right, I would have waited. I would have done anything for him and that included putting my life on hold while he got his together. It wouldn’t have mattered how much it would have hurt to do it, I would have followed him through any amount of darkness.
How different things would have been if I had known.
I pulled our joined hands up to my mouth and placed a kiss on his hand. “Idiot.” He chuckled at my statement. “And the drinking...”
“Under control. I still drink on rare occasions, but I’m very mindful of where and when and how much.” He stood to move back towards his own bed, but I couldn’t seem to let him go. Even if it was just across the room.
“Stay with me.”
We moved under the sheets as one, and I clicked the remote and plunged the room into darkness. He molded his body along my backside while his arms snaked around my waist to pull me in closer. There was a sigh of contentment that heaved out of my chest as Theo buried his nose into the curls on the back of my head. “I’ve missed you,” he spoke gently into my hair.
When Camden died, little holes started to appear in my heart. The longer I went without him, the larger they got, but it felt as if all the holes started to close themselves up ever so slightly. Everything was right.
“Theo,” I whispered in the darkness. “Don’t ever leave me again.”
“Anything for you, Lennon.”
