“Wait, what?”
“There is a gallery party for the photos Theo took in Scotland and for the magazine. He asked me to go with him as his date, and I am freaking out.” This was an understatement, as I was one bad outfit away from burning my whole house down in frustration.
“He’s asked you on a date. Like a real date?”
“Really, Abby? That’s what you’re choosing to focus on? I don’t know what to wear. That is the emergency here.” My room was so destroyed that FEMA would need to set up camp in order to help me find anything. She let out a loud sigh before agreeing to go shopping with me.
Within hours, we’d been to about a dozen stores, but I was hopeful about the choices I made. I still had no idea what people wore to a photo gallery party, but in reality, I was dressing for one person and one person only.
Abby was lounging on my bed again as I tried on the options that I came home with. I turned to Abby and flapped my arms out to my side after checking my reflection in the mirror. “Well, I think this is the one.” The satin dress fell below my knee on one side, while the other side’s hem hit my mid-thigh. It hugged my hips and stomach in a way that made me feel desirable instead of my normal, insecure state. The delicate straps tied at my shoulders, and the fabric dipped in the back, exposing my skin in a show-stopping display.
“So, are you guys staying in the same hotel room while you’re there?” I stopped adjusting the dress and turned towards her with wide eyes. She looked back at me, waiting for an answer that wasn’t coming. “It’s in the Bay Area and it’s a party. You’re not going to drive three hours back home that late. I assumed you would get a hotel,” she continued.
“That never crossed my mind. I have no idea.” Why couldn’t I think of what Theo was telling me about the party? Did he say we’re staying? If we were staying, was he assuming we’d stay together? If we did, was that something I was even ready for? The amount ofquestions I had made my head spin.
“I can tell by the look on your face you two haven’t discussed it yet,” she snickered.
My body heat began to rise, and I was suddenly feeling like a sack of lumpy potatoes in this dress compared to the goddess I was two minutes ago. “I haven’t been with anyone since Camden died,” I blurted out.
She eyed me from the bed. “Well, duh, I think I’d know if you were dating someone, Lennon.”
“No, Abby. I haven’t evenbeenwith anyone since he died.“ I bobbed my head along with the cadence of my voice, trying to get her to catch my drift. Once her eyes widened, I knew she understood.
“Lennon!”
“Abigail!”
“It’s been over two years and you haven’t had sex! How are you functioning?”
I nearly toppled over with how fast I turned to look at her, my eyes widening as I shot her an exasperated, “What?!” She had to be kidding me. “Oh, of course, how could I forget, my bright and shiny personality has me drawing in the prospects. Where would I have found the time to meet someone for that, Abby? Be serious.”
She snickered from her place on the bed. I whipped around to face her. “Oh no. Abby, what if I’m bad? Like, what if I’ve forgotten how to do it?” This only caused her to laugh harder. She fell to the side and into my thick comforter, clutching her chest as her feet kicked back and forth.
“It’s not funny,” I whined. “Oh god, I’m going to scare him off before we even start.” My stomach turned. Abby might find this funny, but I had actual fears floating through my mind.
My throat bobbed as I tried to swallow around my dry throat. “Are you nervous?” she asked me. I threw my hands up and moved towards my bathroom. I needed to get out of the dress.
“I wasn’t until now, Abby.” I shut the door harder than needed. I ripped the dress off over my head and slid into the comfiest pair of sweats and oversized t-shirt I had.
I re-entered my room and joined Abby on my bed. We laid side by side, staring up at the ceiling. I blew air out in a huff and turned my head towards her. “What if this is a mistake? I like what I have with Theo right now. It’s easy and comfortable. I don’t want to mess it up.” There was a part of me that was aching to self-sabotage in order to keep things the way they were.
If nothing changed, I couldn’t get hurt, right?
“I can’t answer that for you, but what’s the worst that can happen? Take the risk, Lennon. I promise it will be worth it.”
What was the worst that could happen?He could die, I wanted to scream out. He could die, and I would be left alone… again. My heart could not take another crack in its foundation, any more than the one it already supported would cause it to crumble away completely, leaving a gaping hole that I would never recover from.
What I wouldn’t give to be a risk taker, to be the type of person to jump in headfirst, with no regard for how far the bottom was or if it was a safe place to land. The fear of the unknown would always hold me back in some way, but maybe Theo would be the one to jump first and encourage me to follow.
When Abby decided to leave, I was still facing the ceiling, contemplating the weight of my decisions. I could choose to stand stilland let life pass me by while I only grasped at tiny moments of happiness. But what good would that do me when what started this all was my desire to move forward?
With a deep inhale, I rose from bed and headed to my dresser; with shaking hands, I removed his wedding ring. There was an indent in my finger where the ring sat, and I missed the weight of the gold immediately. With tears in my eyes, I slipped it into the far corner of my jewelry box, where my wedding band sat and closed the lid.
twenty-six
Theo
I might have abad habit of speaking before I think things through—although, the last time I did it, it worked out great. This time might be a bit different, though. When Lennon agreed to be my date for the gallery party, my brain went blank besides the sounds of crowds cheering in my head. What I didn’t put any thought into was the logistics of the party, its hours outside Fairvale, and Archie had already set me up with a hotel for the night. I’d been kicking myself over my lack of attention to detail and was anxious about what to tell her.
