Bravery was not a trait I would normally assign myself, but right now, I could take on the world single-handedly. I reached my hand up and trailed it down his arm and laced my fingers into his. His breathing picked up slightly, and I could see the rise and fall of his chest with how close I was as I swiped my thumb along the inside of his wrist.
It would take one simple muscle movement, a quick press up onto my toes and I could kiss him. The want was there. It coursed through every fiber of my body and set off a ringing in my ears. I could do it, and I wanted to, but I didn’t. I let that fantasy remain in my head.
“Thank you,” I said, and my hand gave a gentle squeeze. I inhaled deeply as he pulled my hand up towards his mouth, and so lightly, that if my full attention wasn’t on him, I wouldn’t have noticed and placed a quick kiss to my knuckles.
“Anything for you, Lenny,” he replied before my hand fell back down by my side.
Every part of me was alive. There was electricity surging through me, and I couldn’t seem to figure out what to do with it, but mybrain seemed to be working again because, without deciding, I took a step back and broke the moment.
I took the books and placed them on my shelf in the living room. Theo trailed behind me, and over to the couch, where he plopped down into the soft cushions. There was a chiming of bells and Anakin jumped up onto Theo’s lap, purring loud enough for me to hear. He stroked his fur as he sprawled out, and it hit me like a truck in traffic—I liked seeing him here, in my home. Not only that, I liked how relaxed he was when he was here.
He looked up from his spot and caught me staring. “Are you free two Saturdays from now?” he said without breaking eye contact, but there was a small smile on his lips. He was well aware that I did nothing on the weekends, that I filled my days with endless amounts of junk TV that I’d also been able to sucker him into.
Regardless that I already knew I didn’t have plans, I pulled out my phone to check my blank calendar. I didn’t know what he was about to ask, but I was trying not to seem too eager. I waited in anticipation after confirming that I had nothing scheduled.
He seemed nervous as he shifted back and forth on the couch. It was projecting back onto me, and my head was swirling with worst-case scenarios about what he was about to tell me. Was he leaving and wanted a ride to the airport in two weeks? Was there some deadline he’d given himself on the time he spent with me, and in two weeks was the last we would see each other?
My brain never granted me a moment of peace. There were more days than I could count where I spent my time in crippling doubt and anxiety over simple phrases. The thoughts started small inthe back of my mind until they were the loudest ones I had and impossible to ignore.
In the months after Camden’s death, they were the only thing I could hear; they burrowed in and snaked around my mind, cutting off any glimmer of positivity I was able to muster at the time. I was grateful they never won, therapy helped immensely and over the years, I’d been able to cut short the spiraling, but it didn’t mean I still didn’t have a lapse in progress.
I reeled myself back in and listened to Theo explain the gallery his employer was putting together for the special edition of the magazine and the photos he shot while on our trip. “I was hoping that you would like to be my date to the event, Lenny.” My heart leapt into my throat.
Did I hear him right? Did he ask me on a date or to be his date? I wasn’t even sure there was a difference, but either way, yes, the answer was yes. With the number of butterflies currently stirring in my stomach, I was surprised I hadn’t taken flight.
My face must not have been expressing an answer he was hoping for, because he was quickly backpedaling. “Only if you want to, of course. I thought since you were there with me, it would be fun for you to see it to the end—party included.” His brows were pulling together, leaving a deep line in between them, and it was taking every bit of strength in me to not reach out and smooth it away. Then he went and pulled his bottom lip in between his teeth briefly and suddenly my knees were jelly.
A date.
He’d asked me to be his date, and he was nervous about my answer. It was so endearing and comforting that I didn’t notice that I was probably taking too long to answer. “Yes. I’d love to,” I said, as I thumbed the edge of the book that was still in my hands, but the way he was smiling at me was enough to cause my body to break out in a sweat.
He didn’t stay long, and suddenly, I was alone. Normally, this was the part where dread started to set in, when there was no one to distract me from the emptiness that was my home.
However, the air was lighter around me, there were no dark clouds, and the intrusive thoughts that tended to linger in the back of my mind seemed to have vanished completely.
twenty-five
Lennon
Late Summer would alwaysbe my favorite time of year. Days would bleed into slow nights, and the heat would wrap around your body long after the sun sunk below the horizon. I loved being able to stay outside until the stars were dancing and with only the soundtrack of leaves rustling in the slight breeze.
Tonight was no different, as I stretched my body out on a deck chair and looked up at the sky. The pink and orange sunset was finally starting to fade into the deep blue of early night. The moon was full in the sky, with more stars appearing every time I blinked.
For hours, Camden and I would lie out here during the warm months. Some days we’d sit in silence, and I would listen to his soft snores that would inevitably come. Other nights, we would share a lounger and I would wind myself around him as we talked about what we wanted, from each other or from life in general. It was in these chairs we decided to elope rather than a large wedding, thatwe loved kids, but they weren’t for us. We planned vacations and birthdays in these chairs. We fought and loved each other in these chairs.
The first night I was alone after he died, I laid in bed for hours while silent tears streamed out the corners of my eyes until I couldn’t stand the sight of the empty spot next to me. At some point, my feet carried me out to the backyard and into one of these chairs. Frozen in the harsh November night, I sat for hours and stayed until the sun began to peek up above the top of our house. Out of all the places in the world, this was where I felt closest to him, in these thrifted pool side loungers.
My head tilted back onto the chair when the wind picked up and blew warm air around me. If signs from heaven were a real thing, the warmth that was surrounding me would be from Camden. My hands itched to feel him again, to have his arms wrapped around me, and to be reminded that he loved me and that I loved him. But when my eyes drift closed, the image of Camden was only a flash, and my vision was filled with the sight of Theo. Guilt set in quickly.
I’ve been holding myself together for so long that when my knees pulled up towards my chest, I wrapped my arms around them without a second thought. I used to talk to Camden after he died, but I grew restless with the one-sided conversation, and in a fit of rage over his death, I stopped altogether.
The wind beckoned me to rethink my ban. My head tipped back towards the sky and, with a voice so quiet, I begged for forgiveness. “If loving you was enough to bring you back, you would be herenow, but it’s not, and I need more.” The tears were hot on my face as they spilled over my waterline.
I was a second away from feeling silly when the wind picked up and rushed around me. The leaves shook on their limbs while a few flurried to the ground. A slow smile spread across my face. I whispered, “I love you too,” and went inside.
The next morning, I called Abby in a panic. She barely answered my call and said hello before I was word vomiting all over the place.
“Theo asked me out on a date, and it’s to a gallery opening, and I have no idea what people wear to a gallery opening and help me, please.” I sucked in a large breath at the end of my very jumbled sentence and waited for her response.
