“Okay, okay.” Abigail held up her hands in defense. “I was just asking. I thought it might be a good time for a fresh start.”
No, no, no. This was not what I wanted to be doing. I wasn’t ready, and she knew it, too.
I sat up and threw the covers off and headed for the bathroom. “Give me twenty minutes and we can go to breakfast.” I closed the door behind me and collapsed back against the frame. I would not cry today, I thought to myself.
The water ran while I stood in the bathroom, looking back at myself in the mirror. Two years had changed everything about who I was, down to the very thoughts that floated around in my head. I couldn’t stop the hurt from consuming me at every turn as much as I wished I could.
One step at a time, though.
I wish I could express how much I appreciated her showing up today. Or really every day since Camden died, but I had never been good with words. My sister had been my saving grace and a sounding board against the grief that I’d let isolate me during this period in my life. Abigail never wavered, never left. She stood by me, picking up my broken pieces, slowly helping me put my life back together.
“You can do this. You can do hard things, you can do uncomfortable things,” I said to my reflection, with no one else around but me to hear. I wanted to start by not shutting everyone out. It was the least I could do.
We sat in our usual window seat at Wake Up Café. The plastic booth seat crinkled under me as I let the sunsink into my skin. We had been coming here for over a decade, seeking solace from heartaches and hangovers over the years.
I brought my coffee mug to my lips and let the aroma linger before taking a sip. I glanced up over the cup to meet Abigail’s eyes. We stared at each other briefly, refusing to blink.
It’s the one feature we shared, our eyes, dark blue that we inherited from our mother. Otherwise, we were complete opposites, and barely even look related. My tall and curvier figure to Abigail’s shorter and naturally thin body. But as opposite as we were, there was no mistaking that the bond we shared was significant and unbreakable.
Sisters, best friends, soul mates. Even when we’re locked in a stalemate, she would always be the best thing in my life.
“So, how’s work been going?” Abigail asked, breaking the silence that we had been sitting in.
I rolled my eyes. “Really, work? That’s what we’re going to talk about?” Coffee sloshed over the rim of my mug as I set my drink down with more forced than needed. I shoveled food into my mouth to avoid another outburst.
It shouldn’t be this hard, I thought. I shouldn’t have to work to have a conversation with my own sister withoutmy short fuse exploding. Abigail sat back in the booth, glowering at me. “We can talk about whatever you want to, Lennon. I didn’t come here to just sit and watch you eat.”
Touché.
“Work is work. I get up, I walk to my office, and for the next eight hours, I sit in front of a computer. It’s mindless. That’s how it’sgoing.” I really did enjoy my job; it was simple enough customer service work, and being able to work from home was a luxury I didn't think I could ever give up.
After Camden died, I took a short sabbatical. I had to. When even the simplest daily tasks were overwhelming, work was out of the question. It took months before I was able to return, but I knew it meant I could still hide within the walls of the home we shared. One of the only redeeming features.
“Have you given any more thought to the trip?” Abigail’s eyes danced as she asked. She was on one today and putting her best effort into pushing all my buttons. I squeezed my eyes shut for a second. If I tried hard enough, maybe this would be a daydream, and I would still be in bed. My eyes opened to Abigail, still staring back at me.
At least I tried.
I snorted into the coffee cup as I took another drink. “No, I can’t just take that much time off work to run around the Scottish Highlands like a fairy book princess, as much as I would like to. I have bills to pay.”
That was only partly true; I had the money to keep myself afloat, even if I decided to take a year off work, let alone a few weeks. It was the work aspect I couldn’t work out. Granted, I hadn’t even approached my boss with the idea of getting a few weeks off, but taking time off seemed like it would only leave more work for me when I returned than I wanted to deal with, so I scratched the idea before it even got off the ground.
That was the easy reason I placated Abigail with, at least.
In reality, I shot down the idea of this trip because I couldn’t fathom having to take a vacation alone that was originally supposed to be for Camden and me. We had agreed that our ten-year anniversary deserved a big celebration, and Scotland was chosen specifically for me.
My fascination with the history of the country ran deep. Its lush green spaces, lochs and castle ruins had occupied my mind for years. Camden couldn’t have cared less about where we went. “As long as we are together, we could go anywhere,” he would say, and he had always had an overwhelming desire to make me happy. If Scotland could do that for me, then that’s where we would go. Camden would have followed me anywhere in the world if it would bring even the smallest of smiles to my face.
Our anniversary came and went earlier this year, yet another reminder that he was gone from my life.
“Come on, we can go together. It could be fun.” The shine in Abby’s eyes quickly dissipated as I shook my head back and forth.
“He would have wanted you to go, you know.”
I shot her a look that was more internalized pain than a warning. I was not far from giving up altogether and crawling back under my covers until it was the next day. My face pinched as I let out a sigh.
“We don’t know that.”
“Yes, we do.”
