“Tell me about this new person.”
“He’s not new, exactly.” My fingers twisted around each other as I avoided her gaze. She cocked her head to the side.
“How so?”
I told her about Theo, about us as teenagers, and that at one point we were in love. Not simple puppy love, but the type of love that bent the fabric of time and existence.Our age didn’t make a difference to our feelings. They were large, but they were also real.
Then I explained to her how it didn’t last because even though he swore he would love me forever; it felt like he woke up one morning and left. She listened intently and chimed in occasionally or nodded along to my story.
“I physically ran in to him the second day I was there out of nowhere. He called it fate, and if this had happened to someone else, I would never believe the story.”
“Why is that?” she questioned me, and I had to pause and search for my answer. It seemed too good to be true, which would be my honest answer. What are the odds I would stumble into a person who just happened to fit so seamlessly into my life? Someone who was caring and kind. Someone who could trail behind me to pick up the discarded pieces of my soul for safekeeping and still look at me like I was whole.Good things like this didn’t happen to people like me. But I didn’t say any of this as I gazed down into my lap to pick at my nails. She was very aware that I was using my silence as my answer as she set her notebook to the side and leaned her arm onto her knees.
“It sounds like you had a really great time, Lennon, but now you’re looking for a way to diminish what you experienced. Youhave a habit of bringing yourself or your experiences down when they are what you deem to be too positive or too good to be true.” She leaned back in her seat. That was the thing about therapy—they really knew how to call you out on your shit. “We have worked on this in the past, but I think it would be good to remind you that you are not your past experiences. Yes, they happened to you, but they do not get to define you. You are allowed to have good things happen to you and for you.”
“He moved back to town about two months ago after our trip, which has been good.” A smile inched its way across my face. “Great, actually. It’s been great. We have dinner together and watch movies. He will stop by to see how I’m doing. Just normal things, but it’s been really nice to share that part of life with someone again.”
“Is this a relationship you are pursuing romantically?” My smile dropped immediately, and the nail picking picked up. Why was everyone so interested in me getting back out into the dating world? Couldn’t I have someone and not have to define what it was? Defining it would mean it would change, and change opened the door for complications. There had been no one since Camden. I wouldn’t even begin to know how to act if I went on a real date with someone. And the last thing I wanted to do was start that experiment on Theo.
Theo had been back for a month, and already, he wove himself into my life. I blinked, and somehow we’d established a routine. Lunch on Tuesdays, dinner and a movie on Thursdays. We talked and texted daily. It was exciting and there were moments when itmade me rethink telling him I only had room for another friend. When I was near him, I felt better than I had in years. I almost felt whole again.
“Lennon.” Her voice pulled me out of my thoughts.
“I don’t know what I want. What if we take it further and I can’t handle it? It would ruin everything.” I avoided her gaze and looked out the window. “Two years have passed me by, and I was just as broken as the day I put Camden in the ground. What if I’m never ready for more?” I questioned her, anger and fear weaving themselves through my words.
“That will be a decision you have to make for yourself. But you can’t make it without trying first.” Her face softened a bit. “Are you still gardening?” she inquired, and I snorted in response.
“No, the boxes have been empty for a while.”
About a year ago, when I was still in the thick of therapy, she suggested a hobby to help with my anxiety and the sleepless nights that were plaguing me. Something, anything, she stated that would get my hands moving with the hope that it would get my mind off the pain and onto a task. I tried everything from crochet, scrapbooking, painting—I even tried learning the trumpet. That was a week my eardrums would never recover from. Nothing seemed to work. Carina was the one to suggest gardening, and from the moment I sunk my hands into the dirt, something inside me changed.
Various herbs spilled out of pots that I had set up on my front patio until I ran out of the room. Then I moved to the backyard and made an attempt with vegetables; they were not quite as successful. Every morning was spent tending to the garden, checkingover the leaves, or tending to the soil. Each time a new flower or bud appeared, it would be like this big accomplishment, and for a little while, the tight coils that formed in my head would lessen, allowing me to breathe easier.
I didn’t mean to stop, but at some point, everything began to die around me, and I couldn’t find it in me to try to bring them back. The empty pots taunted me every time I passed them. “How about some unconventional homework?” My eyes panned back to her as I crossed my arms, preparing for whatever nonsense she was about to ask of me.
“Re-start your garden, plant something for this new season of life. And try going on a date,” she said nonchalantly, like the words weren’t meant to knock me off my rocker. My eyes flashed as I clenched my jaw so tight there was an instant headache exploding in my temples. She could see the frustration blooming in my eyes as she further explained .
“You said what if you can’t handle it and there’s no way to know for sure unless you put it to the test? It doesn’t have to be Theo. Talk to your friends, maybe they can help with setting you up with somebody. If it's too much, then you don’t have to go through with it, but at least you will have a better idea of what you can handle.” My body melted a bit into the furniture, and I let out a breath before I reluctantly nodded my head yes.
Abby and Carina would have a field day with this assignment. I could already hear their squealing. The session finished, and like every time before, I was both lighter and a bit worse for wear, if I was honest.
Fairvale passed by me as I drove through town, and there was a sinking feeling that started to worm its way through my system. Theo and I weren’t a couple, so I didn’t have to tell him anything about the possibility of me going out with someone. The thought ping ponged in my head about what would be worse—to tell him or not to tell him.
seventeen
Lennon
It was too farinto the season to plant vegetables, I thought to myself as I pushed a cart up and down the gardening aisles. I didn’t have any plans to start my homework yet, but today had been one of those days where everything seemed to have a fire that needed to be put out. It dragged on forever. By the time I logged off, my head was reeling, and I desperately needed an outlet for the pent-up frustration.
My feet splashed through the puddles of water from the employee’s duties as I stopped in front of a row of potted daffodils. I rolled my lips in between my teeth, mulling over the options. I could stick to easy gardening with the plants I've had before, but these flowers were so pretty that I couldn’t help but add them to my cart. With a final lap around the store’s garden center, I had everything I needed to get the massive number of flowers I piled into my cart planted before the sun set.
An hour later, I was lugging a soil bag up to dump into the only garden bed I had in my backyard. My nails were stained brown, and sweat was pouring down my back by the time I placed the flowers into the dirt and dragged the last pile across the base of the stems. I drew in a deep breath as I admired my work and stretched my aching arms above my head. Of course, my therapist was right; my mind felt lighter after turning my focus onto the plants versus letting it wander onto the unknown.
I switched my gaze over to my pool, and a half second before I decided to jump in, my phone buzzed in my back pocket. Looking at the message from my sister, I wondered if she had a sixth sense about when I needed her.
Dinner at Carina’s at 9 tonight
The opportunity to ask them to set me up with someone fell into my lap. I huffed out a dry laugh just thinking about the look on both of their faces when I told them. There were still a few hours before I had to leave to meet up with them, and my mouth was already watering at the thought of food from Carina’s.
