Without thinking, I asked the one thing that had been on my mind. “If it’s not too much, can I ask what happened to Camden?” I glanced up from where I was pouring us both a fresh glass of wine in time to see pain flare in her eyes.
“If you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to,” I quickly added.
This was a bad idea. I was a fucking idiot; my curiosity got the best of me, and the rest of the trip was down the drain because I couldn’t keep myself in check.
“No, it’s fine,” she assured. The inside of her cheek must be chewed raw at this point. Anytime she was lost in her thoughts, her teeth would immediately toy with the soft flesh.
She pulled in a deep breath through her nose and rolled her shoulders back, the movements had regret brewing in the pit of my stomach. She was physically getting herself together before answering, knowing that speaking the words would cause her pain.
“It was an aneurysm.” She swallowed loudly before continuing. “He had been out of town for work and was staying in a hotel. The cleaners came in to turn over the room and found him dead.”
I blinked once, then again. “I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that.” My mind was telling me maybe it was some sort of fall that occurred; it would explain why she was so panicked when I nearly fell off the bridge.
“You and me both.” She leaned in closer, setting her elbows up on the table to rest her chin on to her hands. With how small the table was, she was close enough that I could see the different colors that made up the freckles that were sprinkled across her nose. I traced the patterns with my eyes, hoping the constellations I had once memorized were still there.
“I think that’s why I’m still so angry; it was nothing anyone could have predicted or prepared for. He was here one second and just gone the next.” Her hand came down on the table in a smack while her words were drenched in heartache and sorrow, but the next phrase had my throat contorting with unknown emotions.
“And I wasn’t even there.” It came out as a shaky whisper. I expected her to clam up and protect herself from further harm, but she took another breath and kept talking.
“Maybe if he had been sick, I could work through all these emotions easier. I would have been able to anticipate the loss at least, you know. Nothing in the world could have prepared me for the call I got, saying he was dead,” she said as her eyes drifted closed and her dark eyelashes held back tears. I was entranced as my heart longed to reach out to hers. Of course she was still angry, but with no one to pin it on, it had stayed within her, festering until she could feel nothing but the pain and loss.
The dam she built to keep everything inside broke and the words came pouring out of her. “Ever since I was little, I have been enamored with fairytales. Obsessed really.” A snort escaped into her glass as she brought it up to her lips for a taste.
“I remember.” It slipped out, but she just laughed in response and her eyes closed again.
“I wanted the castles and the knights in shining armor to fall in love with. I wanted the magic that came from the stories. Camden was the closest thing to magic I found,” she said, as a small smile pulled at her lips. Her eyes drifted open, but she kept them cast downward toward the table between us. Her voice trembled as she tried to keep the emotions tucked away.
“He was the very best person I knew, and he loved me unconditionally, regardless of my flaws and, trust me, there are many,” she added before I could protest her negative comment. “Loving him was the easiest thing I have ever done, and I count myself incrediblylucky that he chose to spend his life with me.” Tears threatened her waterline by the end of her sentence.
I sat unmoving, taking in the weight of her words. I tried to think back and remember if I had ever loved someone that strongly, but nothing came even close. The only person that came to mind was Lennon and the love we had for each other all those years ago.
“You must miss him.” An obvious statement, but I lacked the words to convey my racing thoughts.
A huffed laugh escaped from the back of her throat. “More than you can imagine. It’s like I’ve been living without air since he’s been gone.” Her white knuckled grip strained the glass stem. “I am homesick constantly, and I would give anything to have him back.”
“I just feel so alone.” Our eyes met across the table as a single tear streaked down her face.
An overwhelming urge bubbled up in my chest to reach out and brush it from her face. One I didn’t fight. My arm extended across the rickety table and I skimmed my thumb gently through the lone tear. She leaned her head into my hand as the smallest of sighs escaped her throat.
Fuck.
Since our trip started, I spent hours losing myself in my imagination trying to remember exactly what she felt like in my hands. No surprise that it was better than anything I had conjured up.My fingertips trembled as they skimmed her soft cheek in slow, torturous circles. I wouldn’t be the one to break this.
A tense air surrounded us as the silence lingered after her confession. Seeing her like this sparked a fire within my chest. I wanted to pull her close, chase the darkness from her, and to show her she didn’t have to do any of this by herself.
She didn’t have to weather her storm alone.
Lennon shifted in her seat once her tears had dried. I dropped my hand from her face and suddenly I was cold.“Theo, I… “ her voice trailed off.
“It’s getting late. I’m going to head to bed,” she stated as she stood and began to stride from the room. As she approached the doorway, she paused and glanced back at the table where I still sat. “Goodnight, Theodore.” Her voice was low as it floated through the air.
“Goodnight, Lennon.” I held her gaze before she disappeared into her room, and for a fleeting moment, a thought crossed my mind.
What I wouldn’t give to be loved by Lennon again.
Suddenly, it all clicked. I realized why none of my past relationships worked. Why they all seemed to fizzle out before anything became too serious.
It was her. There was always a before her, a small part of my life that I barely remembered. And I know now, without a doubt, that there would never be an after her.
