It would always be her for me.
eleven
Lennon
I was kicking myselfas I shut the door to my room after leaving Theo in the kitchen. The uncomfortable itchiness of the honesty I shared was crawling over my skin. It wasn’t like me to share my innermost thoughts, especially the ones about Camden. I kept those for myself, knowing my memories of him were the only thing keeping him alive.
The heat of Theo’s touch lingered, burning into my skin as a scar I’ll carry around forever. It had been years since any man had touched me, and the first one that did, I couldn’t help but lean into it.
I sulked about my room as I got ready for bed. My attempt to read failed as I rolled over to turn off the lights. I could not stop thinking about dinner. I may be embarrassed, but I was seen for the first time in forever. He listened when I talked, and when I was overrun by my emotions, he moved to comfort me. I was thinkingabout what would have happened if he leaned in closer, or if his hand had drifted from my face.
Heat began to move through my lower abdomen as my thoughts got carried away, and by the time I acknowledged it, guilt poured over me, extinguishing any fire that was building.
This was not what I came here for.
The faint sound of dishes clinking together where Theo was cleaning up echoed softly in my room. His footsteps started picking up as he walked around locking up until he crept down the hallway.
The soft light outside my room illuminated the underside of my door. His shadow appeared between our rooms and lingered there for a moment, facing my door. My breath caught in my throat as I waited, but I didn't know what for - a light knock or the slight turn of my door knob, maybe. My heart thrummed inside my chest as I sat up from my bed.
Honestly, I didn't know what I would say if he appeared in my room. Could I do it? Could I put Camden out of my mind long enough to allow someone else to warm my bed?
Every part of me seemed to come alive as I waited. As my hands trembled as I gripped the worn quilt covering my body. It wasn’t nerves that were lighting me up; it was the subtle pin pricks of anticipation. I wanted him.
Then, the switch flipped, plunging my body back into the darkness as his feet turned back to his door, and he disappeared into his room.
Memories of Camden seemed to flood my senses once I laid back down. A hint of pine floated through the back of my mind, his contagious laugh echoed in my ears, and the image of his deep oak-colored eyes lingered in the forefront of my mind.
He had consumed every single part of me, down to my very thoughts, day and night, for years. He had been my life vest in an unkind world, my safe haven. Without Camden I was untethered and alone, like a small raft in the middle of a dark and wild ocean.
All I wanted was for someone to notice how tired I was of fighting the choppy waters and throw me a lifeline. I thought of Theo and wondered if he could be the one to drag me back to shore.
I spent the rest of our remaining week actively avoiding Theo, and he knew it. He’d catch my eye and move to say something, and I’d take that as my cue to turn abruptly and leave whatever I had been doing. It was childish, I was aware, but I had no idea how to handle this situation, and I did not trust myself around him now. I was liable to snake my hand through his hair, pull his mouth to mine, and—what was wrong with me?
Even though I’d been skating around him, he had gone out of his way to keep my attention as much as possible. We also went back to nights with restaurant dinners that only made me wish we were alone again. Most of the time he looked at me like he was on the verge of pouring his secrets out to me.
Today was my last full day with Theo, and I really, really, didn’t want it to end. Two weeks was not enough time here, but had left me closer to myself, which was exactly what I was looking for on this trip.
We were at St. Andrews Cathedral today—ruins, to be accurate. Theo stood behind his camera in the courtyard, laser focused on the stoic archways and rubble in front of him. A wave of sadness ran through me; I didn’t want to think about the end of this trip, so I hadn’t asked yet. I wished he was coming back home with me, or better yet that I was going wherever he was off to next. There was a push inside of me to be closer to him, so I walked to where he was currently bent over, staring into the viewfinder.
“I can’t wait to see how these turn out. When will the issue come out, so I can make sure to order a copy?” Lighthearted conversation was all I could handle as he stood to his full height. My head needed to tilt backwards to look up at him. I still didn't know when he gained the extra height, but I wasn’t mad at it.
He smiled at me. He was always smiling, even when I avoided him or didn’t talk. And it was always for me. “I’ll do some editing on these for about two weeks before I turn them in, then the issue should come out in about six months, I think.”
“Where will you be when you do all the editing?” He was going to see right through me.
“I’ll be here. I like to stay close to where I have been shooting, just in case I need more content.”
“Hmm, makes sense.” My hands dropped from my jacket pockets and hung limp by my side. The sadness working its way throughme was a surprise. I knew leaving Scotland would be hard. It wasn’t the knowledge that I would soon be back behind my computer for eight hours a day and spending my nights alone that had me upset. It was the thought that I might never see him again after this. That this was all we would have, these two weeks, and another seventeen years would pass us and we would be strangers once again.
“Want to try?” he asked as he stepped away from his camera and ushered me behind it, knocking the creeping feeling of loneliness out of my system. He took his time walking me through the different parts of his craft, while excitement poured out of him.
“These are going to be no good.” I laughed after a few moments of what felt like clicking.
“Wait here. Let me grab something.” Theo jogged over to where his bag was and pulled out what appeared to be another camera. “Doesn’t matter what camera; I just don’t have the talent, Theo,” I yelled out as he made his way back to me.
He stopped in front of me and a sly smile crept up on his lips. My heart sped up as I glanced at his hands to see what he had brought over. “A little trip down memory lane for our last day seems fitting.” My eyes shot up to meet his. His throat worked to swallow his remaining words as his eyebrows pulled together slightly.
My eyes darted back down to see in his hands sat a weathered-looking Pentax 67 camera. My hands reached out and ghosted over it, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It was a used camera when I first purchased it for him almost twenty years ago. I’m surprised it’s still in working order.
