It was a useless request, I didn’t sleep at all that night. It was spent tossing and turning as my dreams replayed memories of Theo alongside my life with Camden. I woke up confused and I had never felt more alone.
Thoughts volleyed in my head, ricocheting from wanting to say 'yes' to guilt for wanting to spend time with him. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t thinking of Theo romantically, but spending time with another man felt like a betrayal. The love I had for Camden ran deep within my veins. It was the type of love that could easily overwhelm someone, but I thrived under the out-pour of affection that came from Camden. He cared with his whole heart and never let a day go by without reminding me that I was his, and he was wholly and without a doubt mine.
The months following his death were unbearable. I stopped eating, I never left my bed, refused to speak, and it went on for longer than I cared to admit or remember. There are days where it’s blank when I try to think back, as if my mind was trying to protect me from myself.
It was Abigail and Carina who helped pull me out of the hole that I spent my time digging, and while I never fully recovered from the darkness that shrouded my mind, it was enough to keep me moving.
I had come a long way in the past two years. I put in the work, and with patience, I was beginning to see the other side of my life. One where I could see myself happy, even if it meant a life that was just me.
But a life that was just for me didn’t mean I couldn’t expand on friendships.
This could be good for me.
I spoke the words aloud before placing the call to Theo. He answered on the first ring, and I practically yelled out my answer before he managed a hello. I couldn’t give myself the opportunity to back out.
“What?” a shocked voice replied back to me.
“Yes, if you really don’t mind an extra person, I would love to join you for the trip.” Slow and steady, I relayed the words back to him.
“Lenny! That’s great.” I could hear the smile in his voice, easing the tightness that had built up in my chest. I was one of those people who, even if someone was explicitly clear with their plans that involved me, I would still find a way to convince myself that it was not something they truly wanted. That they only agreed to plans with me out of pity or a twisted sense of humor. The anxiety that I experienced had always made it hard for me to form connections with people over the years. It kept my circle small, but I preferred it that way.
I had my suspicions, but I believed that Theo remembered. His reassurance of his excitement that I would be accompanying him was refreshing.
We went over the details of our newly combined trip, each city we would stay in, and I gave him the list of the different castles I had my heart set on seeing. Theo wasn’t lying, our lists were almost identical in the stops that we had planned. My only request was to keep the stop at Inverness, so I wouldn’t have to give up the cottage I booked.
We agreed to meet in Glasgow the next day at our hotel. We both rearranged our bookings so that we were staying in the same building; not only that, but now, instead of taking the train, I would tag along with Theo since he had rented a car.
The next day I waited for him outside the hotel, bouncing with excitement. He met me on the sidewalk in the morning sun, and like someone flipping a switch, I was flooded with memories of our time together, and not the innocent hand holding that went on. I was looking at him and realizing that I had slept with this man before, he had seen me—all of me. He caught my gaze and I quickly looked away. I was flaming hot and wondered what I had gotten myself into.
nine
Theo
The first week inScotland with Lennon was… interesting. Without any problems, we managed to make it to all the agreed upon stops from Glasgow to Inverness. I got some great shots of Buchanan and Knockderry Castle so far.
Each day, we would meet in the lobby of whatever hotel we were staying at, and Lennon would trail behind me as I lugged my gear around the sites before wandering off. I would catch glimpses of her as she strolled around the properties, her arms wrapped around herself as she peered around towers, and the way she would trail her hand along the stonework. It was as if she was asking for the memories they held in between their bricks.
Today shouldn’t be any different.
“Inveraray Castle is still a family home,” I explained, as we pulled into our next destination and drove across the grounds. The sun had yet to rise fully and the dense clouds were slowly rollingthrough the sky, but this place was made for the fog and dreariness that Scotland was known for.
Lennon pulled her jacket tighter to fight against the mist once we got out of the car, and I was beginning to think this morning shoot might not have been the best idea, but she hadn’t complained once. “The family has been in this area since the 1200s; it’s truly incredible.” I figured the more facts I could ply her with, the more it would keep me from bombarding her with all the questions I still had about her life.
She was closed off, which I guess was to be expected. I was not much more than a stranger to her, but I wanted to know everything she’d been doing since I left, and she was reluctant to offer anything. That first dinner after running into each other, I got what I figured were the basics, but I wanted it all.
I was sure that it would come off a bit creepy, and the last thing I wanted to do was push her. So, for now, I stuck to the safe space we’d created in the castles and their history. It was our common ground, and I’d take whatever I could get.
There was something about her need for information that got my heart beating a little faster. It had been a while since I’d been with someone who was as interested in the sites that I visit as I was. She hummed at my facts beside me, as I took out my equipment, then she handed over one of my smaller totes that she insisted on carrying.
“You don’t have to help me carry anything, you know. You can do your own thing. Don’t worry about me,” I said lightly, but really, it was usually the highlight of my day. Every day when wehad a site to visit, she insisted on helping me pack the car and unload once we got to the site. And even when I told her not to help, she’d usually already slung a bag over her shoulder and asked me where to first. Within an hour, though, she ended up trailing off to another part of the castle we were in or out on to the grounds to look around.
“Maybe I’m just hoping to get my name in the magazine. Photo by Theodore Beckett, assistant Lennon Arden. Sounds good, doesn’t it?” She threw her head back in laughter, and her breath mingled with the mist in the air. We were here before dawn in order for me to get the shots I wanted, and it was close to freezing. She didn’t complain, but the way her teeth chattered said otherwise.
I shrugged out of my outer jacket and walked over to the edge of the bridge where she was currently sitting. I draped the jacket over her shoulders and pulled the front closed around her. Her eyes flicked up to meet mine, causing my heart to jump into my throat, and I noticed that even after all these years, the blue of her eyes was still my favorite color.
“Thank you,” she whispered and offered me a small smile.
“I should have warned you, this early in the morning is usually freezing,” I murmured, then turned back to finish setting up my camera. She stayed in her spot as I shot from the bridge on the estate, with the castle looming in the distance through the misty clouds.
