eight
Lennon
Theo’s question wrestled withwhat I had accepted for this trip, and I was conflicted. None of what happened was what I had planned for or how I had envisioned moving through this country. I pictured the solitude of roaming through ruins to help piece together the rubble that was my life and my heart. But new pictures were forming, ones that included a man who was not my husband, and I was ashamed that there was a part of me that wanted to say yes.
The cold air did little to help clear my mind on the walk back to the hotel. As I approached the door, I stopped outside and tipped my head toward the stars. The wind moved around me as more of the far-off lights came into focus, and I did little to stop the chill that was settling deep into my bones.
Warmth had been absent since the day my husband’s casket lowered into the ground, as if all the heat inside me was buried nthe ground along with him. But seeing Theo was so unexpected and thrilling, I couldn’t deny that I wanted to agree to two weeks with him in the highlands, but the guilt was overwhelming.
“Tell me what to do, Camden,” I whispered to the sky with a voice that begged the wind to carry the message to him.
A tear slipped down my cheek and clung to my skin as a reminder of why I was on this trip alone. With a final inhale of the icy night, I walked inside and resolved to make the decision in the morning, but first I needed to talk to Abby.
I paced in front of the window, looking out at Castle Edinburgh as I called my sister.
She answered on the first ring. “I was wondering when you would call. How was your day?” There was a slightly annoyed tone in her voice that I had no patience to deal with.
“I ran into Theo.” I blurted the words out, nothing else. No ‘hello, it’s going great,’ just straight to the point. My nerves had been on overdrive since morning and I had no patience for small talk.
The dead airwaves crackled on the phone before Abigail answered. “Theo?”
I flopped backwards onto the bed, my breath huffed out of my lungs. “Theo, Abigail, The-o.” My voice jumped two octaves as I sounded out his name.
One of my favorite things about Theo had been that he treated Abigail like a sister and loved her almost as much as I did. Abigail was the most important person to me back then, and even moreso now. I would never let anyone come between us, and when I was with Theo, I never had to choose.
“Shut up,” was Abigail’s only response as it finally clicked who I was talking about.
“I know.” I sighed and then launched into recanting the encounter to Abigail, who chimed in for follow-up questions at the right parts and pried for all the details about what Theo looked like now.
I could picture the reaction Abigail was about to have to the final part of the story before I even told her. “He also asked me to spend the rest of the trip with him.” I winced preemptively as Abigail’s shriek pierced through the phone.
“Are you going to say ‘yes’?”
“No. I don’t know. Maybe?”
“What’s stopping you? If it’s true and you were going to the same places, wouldn’t you be able to enjoy it more if you weren’t alone during it?’
Silence passed between the airwaves. “I want to say yes, but just thinking about it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong, like I’m not allowed to be alone with him. That it’s an insult to Camden to do so.”
“Oh, Lennon.” Abby’s voice floated through the speaker. “You are allowed to have adventures, you are allowed to live. Being out in the world does not mean you are going to forget him, it means you are honoring him. He wouldn’t want you to be stagnant; he would want you out there creating memories.”
Tears gathered before they cascaded outwards. “I know.” I wished it was easier.
Missing him was like living in a world that was speeding by me while someone had pressed the pause button on my life. Everything was a blur, and yet, I remained the same—never moving, never changing.
“Say yes, Lennon. And if, for some reason, it doesn’t work out, you can still move on with the rest of your trip without him. If you say no, you will wonder what could have happened if you didn’t go.”
She was right, of course.
I can do hard things, I reminded myself internally, and this was hard on my heart.
“So, tell me. What does he look like now?” I could hear the smile in her voice.
“Ugggh. Perfect, of course. He’s taller somehow, his hair isn’t long anymore. He looks like such a man, its weird.” I was not blind. Theo was incredibly good looking, he always was. Time had done nothing but good things to his appearance. He had the type of look that people noticed, especially the girls at our school. Golden skin and a smile that would brighten even my darkest moments. It really was unfair.
I wasn’t unattractive, but I had my moments with self-image, as most teenage girls did, and being with Theo sometimes heightened my insecurity and the lingering thoughts of “why was he with me”. But it was all on me. He never entertained the notionthat I was anything less than perfect. The boy called me beautiful like it was my God given name.
Abby and I said our goodbyes as I tucked myself into bed and I willed sleep not to evade me tonight.
