The man my best friend—or hell, half of my soul—is in love with.
I care about Ollie too. I couldn’t handle Cil being with anyone other than him. I’d fucking kill them, and maybe that’s fucked up, but it’s true. But Ollie…there’s something about him, something Cil and I both felt from the start, only for Cillian it morphed into being in love with him.
Before Ollie, I never thought I’d be able to love anyone except Cillian, Tiernan, and Aislin. I care a lot about Dean, Tiernan’s boy, I’d do anything for him, but I don’t know if Ilove him. I do love Ollie, though. Maybe because he’s Cillian’s, and how can I not love someone he does?
Most of the time, emotions are a mystery to me. Like my situation with Cillian. There’s no explanation for why we are the way we are with each other. Thinking about him ever not being there makes me feel like ripping out my heart. I’m notinlove with him, and I’m notinlove with Ollie either, but Cil ismine—albeit in a different way than he is Ollie’s—and now Ollie is mine because he’s a part of Cillian. It’s confusing as fuck.
I pull out of my pocket one of the fidget spinners Cil always gets for me. I lose them all the time, but he seems to have a never-ending supply.
“Boo,” Aislin says from beside me, leaning against the wall next to me. She pushes her long, black hair behind her ear. “You’re awfully lost in thought over here.”
“I’m trying to figure out love. You’re a girl. Maybe you can help.”
“And you’re a misogynistic asshole,” she tosses back, making me laugh.
“I meant that in the least stereotypical way as possible. You don’t have to be in touch with your emotions because you’re a girl, but you’re the most emotionally put-together person I know.”
“Better.” She nudges me with her arm. “What’s up?”
“I don’t get how people love others.”
She frowns. “What are you talking about? You love me, Tiernan, Cillian, Ollie, Dean…so at the very least five people.”
“I don’t know if I love Dean.”
She chuckles. “You love Dean.”
“Okay, see? How do you know that and I don’t?”
“Because I know you. Because you’d be the first to jumpin and protect any of us.”
“Because I like violence,” I argue.
“That’s not why you do it. You do it because you love us, but it’s hard for you to recognize that because we grew up in a really fucked-up way. It’s done a number on us, and we’re all just doing the best we can to figure it out.” She follows my line of sight to Cillian and Ollie. “Are you worried you might be in love with Ollie too?”
“No. I know I’m not.” I shake my head. “I love sharing him with Cil, though, and I’d burn the fucking world down for him.”
“You would.” She gives me a wistful smile. “Cillian, then?”
“I get that people don’t believe us, but if there’s one thing I’m certain of, it’s that we’re not in love. He’s a part of me, he’s my fucking heart, but in love? No.”
“Seems like you understand love and your emotions better than you think.”
“I don’t get it, though…why it’s like this. And like, I’m happy for Cillian, and if I had to, I’d lock Ollie up so Cillian could keep him forever, but him having Ollie also makes me feel…”
Feel what? I’m the one who started this. I should be able to finish it.
“Lonely?” Aislin suggests.
“Yes. Maybe. I don’t get why it’s not easier for me to make sense of, and I don’t get how Cillian fell in love with someone. I don’t think I could do that.”
Aislin takes my hand, threading her fingers through mine and holding tight. She’s a sister to me in all the ways that matter, and though she doesn’t need any of us to take care of her, I would lay down my life for hers. “You could do it. You just have to find the right person.”
“But I don’t want to. This is all hypothetical.”
She laughs. “Most of the time, I don’t think we have much choice. Do you think Tiernan wanted to fall in love with Dean? Or hell, Dean with Tiernan?”
“Fuck no.”
