“You know what would make everyone feel better?” JD interrupts.
“You’re not getting that hug, bro,” Blake declares, and even Landry laughs.
“Hold on, though,” Blake begins again. “You mentioned thenight you metClaire earlier. Does that mean you just decided to hook up with a random stranger after all that time? Were you purposefully trying to lose your virginity?”
I look away and scratch my head. “I’d still been planning to stay celibate until marriage. But there were some circumstances that led me to believe we’d shared a special connection, despite being strangers.”
“And you figured you wouldn’t have to face your guilt, since you didn’t think you’d ever see her again, right?”
“Except it turns out that the stranger was one of my sister’s best friends, and now we’re all …friends,” I confirm.
“Almost as awkward as that time we ran into one another in an exam room …” Blake trails off and grins.
“Much, much worse,” I say through my teeth.
“That’s not even the best part.” Landry surprises me by brushing over Blake’s comment and nudging me to continue.
I heave out a sigh. “The only reason I didn’t actually sleep with Claire that night was because I found out that her divorce hadn’t beenfinalized yet.”
“Oof,” the other guys say in unison.
“Not that, the other stuff,” Landry says.
“Oh, yeah. Thanks for the reminder,” I add sarcastically. “I failed to tell her about my policies regarding physical intimacy at first, so I sort of made it hard for her to trust me again.”
JD and Blake flinch at the same time. “I guess that’s why you haven’t upgraded to more than friends now that her divorce is over and done,” JD remarks.
I lick my lips before I go over for my own turn to putt. “Pretty much. She claims she’s not up for a serious relationship, even though I think she really does want marriage and kids. But I’ll never convince her to give me a real chance, not after everything she’s been through and all the ways I’ve screwed up.”
They’re quiet as I aim and tap the ball in. If only the rest of my life were this easy to control.
“So you’re just giving up, then?” JD asks after a while.
“Am I supposed to keep begging her to love me back and hope she eventually changes her mind?” I grumble, but my dad’s advice comes to mind.
“Ifyoulove her then, yeah. That’s how it works,” he replies, and Blake nods as well.
I look at Landry questioningly, and he sighs. “If you think there’s a chance she’s only holding out because she’s unsure about whether she can trust you, then you just gotta hang in there and keep reminding her how you feel, like Blake said.” He adds a shrug. “Daisy loved me enough to stick it out until I got over my shit, just like these guys did with their wives. Maybe Claire needs more time to see that you’re willing to help her work through some stuff and that you’re not giving up or going anywhere until she’s ready. If that’s what you want, I mean.”
Isthat what I want?
I’m certain God has His reasons for bringing us together. I’m also pretty sure I’m in love with Claire, and a large part of me believes we really could’ve been soulmates, if only I’d done a better job of showing her all that from the beginning.
But maybe this is how I make up for getting off to the wrong start and allowing my pride to get in the way for so long. Because now that I think about it, I can’t imagine feeling this way with anyone else, and I don’t even want to consider marriage or babies or any version of the future unless Claire is at the center of it all.
Landry stands by with his brow furrowed, looking deep in thought. “This might be insensitive, too, but I’m kind of a dick, so I’m just going to say it. You don’t think Claire’s afraid of letting you down?”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“If she’s struggled with infertility before, she’s not going to let you take a chance on her, not when you’ve made it clear how badly you want kids,” he explains.
My jaw lowers. “I mean, yeah, she knows I want a big family, but I’ve told her I’d be okay with …”
Maybe I haven’t said that to Claire explicitly, not in so many words.
“Being okay with something sounds like settling,” Landry says. “And you never want to see the person you care about most settle for less than they deserve.”
“Well, shit—I mean, shoot.” I’ve really got to get a handle on my language these days.
