“Yeah. We’ve been friends for over a decade, and you still haven’t figured out that I need you to be very literal in times like this. Yet, Daisy picked up on that within a few hours.”
He huffs out an incredulous laugh. “And you can be painfully oblivious to the stuff right in front of you because you don’twantto have to acknowledge your feelings or think about what it all means.”
It instantly brings me back to the day almost a year ago when Blake told me the same thing about Loren in a parking lot outside of Rowan’s clinic.
“I’m too stubborn,” I mutter. “I know. But I’m not sure how to turn it off. I’ve been trying, but I don’t know how to be different.”
Rowan shrugs, his expression softening as he sits at the foot of the bed. “You’ve already started changing just by being open to the idea. Now take it one conversation, one interaction at a time.”
I nod.
“You don’t have to tell me, but would you at least allow yourself to consider how you really feel about her?” he adds.
Warmth and longing instantly fill my chest in equal proportions. “I’m not sure I have a choice in that anymore. The feelings are already there … I just have to accept them. But it’s probably going to take me a while to articulate it.”
He smiles. “That’s okay, as long as you tell her you’re working on it. In the meantime, keep showing her.”
“And what if we’re never on the same page as far as commitment goes?” I pose.
He glares at me. “You’ve gotta quit saying you don’t believe in marriage when you’re already married.”
“This doesn’t exactly count, though.”
He scoffs. “Even if it wasn’t in church, it’s legally binding, so it’s still something. You made vows, didn’t you?”
I open my mouth to argue, but my jaw snaps closed when I realize he’s right. “Yeah, we did. Daisy insisted we write our own vows, though. Instead of ‘love, cherish, and obey,’ we used words like ‘respect, honor, and support,’ stuff we figured we’d both be able to uphold after we went our separate ways.”
“You mean, after you divorce her?” Rowan glares at me as he waits for his words to sink in.
“Yeah, I guess,” I mumble and drag a hand down my face. It’s not like I haven’t considered the divorce part. But it’s already hitting differently after hearing another human say it out loud.
“What have I done?” I mutter behind my palm. “I’ve ruined her life, haven’t I?”
My chest starts to tighten, making it harder for me to breathe. But Rowan moves to sit beside me and puts a hand on my shoulder. “Hey, it’s okay, Lan.”
“No, it’s not. I swore to myself I’d never get married because I didn’t want to make anyone feel like they were trapped or stuck with me and because I never wanted to have to go through a divorce. And here I am, doing exactly that, but with Daisy of all people. She’s the last person in the world I want to hurt.”
“No one’s saying it has to be that way, though. Maybe you don’t have to get divorced, right?”
“I can’t …” I stop and struggle to catch my breath again. Then I close my eyes and summon the memory of Daisy telling me to stop stressing over the worst possible outcome because it’s more torturous than hoping for the best and getting let down in the end. I remind myself that she’s just across the hall from me now and that there’s still a chance I can fix some of the damage I’ve done.
“Landry?”
I let out a long exhale and open my eyes. “I’m sorry. I never gave the idea of marriage a fair chance before this, so I didn’t think it would bother me when Daisy and I made it to this point. But I was wrong.”
Rowan’s mouth turns up on one side. “I’ll spare you the jokes about admitting you were wrong if you tell me what part you were wrong about.”
I huff. “All of it.”
“Are you saying you’re no longer opposed to a real marriage and everything that comes with it?” he ventures carefully.
“I guess I’m saying … I don’t know anymore. Maybe I should at least reconsider it before I make any more decisions about our future.”
For the first time, I allow myself to think about what I want and not just what’s safe or what I deserve. If I could have things like an actual loving relationship, long-term commitment, and kids of my own, would I want them?
Aside from the risks involved, why wouldn’t I want all of it?
Didn’t Daisy say that we all crave some form of love and acceptance? Isn’t that what I’ve been missing all these years?
