She nods.“The break has done me good.If I’m not there, I can’t be paraded around dance floors for prospective buyers whilst thinking up ways to stop my father.”
“Something other than killing yourself?”
“I did have a backup plan after I realised death wasn’t the answer, but it was… stupid.”She squints and wrinkles her nose, which, although it makes her look cute, infuriates me.
“You’re a lot of things, Hayami, but stupid isn’t one of them.”
“Okay, reckless, then.”She refolds her legs and runs her finger over the top of her glass.“I’ve been trying to get rid of mypurity.”She says the word as if it’s a swear.Before the pieces can fully fall into place, she continues.“My father said I was worth more because I was still pure, and that he’s made sure I’ve been unable to sully myself.So I thought the only way to fight back would be toactuallysully myself.”
Purity.The word burrows under my skin until it latches on, realisation dawning on me.
“You’re a virgin?”
She bites her bottom lip, and her cheeks flush.I’m unsure if this has anything to do with the heat from the fire or the question I’ve just asked, but I take it as her answer.
“You wanted to lose your virginity to spite your father?”I say, her plan unravelling before me.
“More than that.”Her eyes snap up to mine, that fire I’ve seen so many times back with a vengeance.“I wanted to get fucked.I wanted to be defiled.I wanted to ruin myself for whoever bought me.I wanted to know that I’d been touched by so many hands that I would lie there on my wedding night and laugh in the fucking face of whoever bought me, thinking I was this pure virgin when in fact I’d been fucked every which way because that wasmychoice.Mydecision.I wanted to have control over one fucking thing in my life.There was no way my father was controlling my sex life.No fucking way.”
Then it hits me.
“That’s why you wanted to go to the sex club.Why you kept coming on to those men.”
“Yes.”She lowers her head.
“Hey, don’t look away from me.”
She looks up.“You must think I’m desperate.”
My heart pounds, my pulse thundering in my ears.
“I think you’re very brave to stand up for yourself against a man like your father.You have more fight in you than some of the Hellhounds.I believe you’re capable of so much more, and I’m furious that your father thinks he can take this all away from you.”
She tuts, waving my words away.I imagine no one’s ever told her this.
“And I’m sorry I foiled your plan.If I’d have known….”I can’t finish that sentence.
“You’d have what?”Hayami presses.“You’d have helped me?You’d have let me fuck those guys?”
“Probably not,” I admit, “because a toilet cubicle is no place to lose your virginity, and those guys were the scum of the earth.But maybe I wouldn’t have gone so…”
She smiles as I struggle to find the right word.“OTT?”she offers.I roll my eyes but nod in agreement before she adds, “Maybe the gun in the guy’s mouth was a bit much.”
“Not by my count.”
She tips her head to the side.“Why do you always lose it when I’m with a guy?”
“I don’t,” I snap.
“Yes, you do.There was that guy in Mojo’s who tried to kiss me, and you marched over and kicked over his stool and told him that if he ever so much as breathed near me again, you’d ram your fist down his throat.You always lose your shit when any guy so much as even looks at me.”
I swallow hard.“That ball you went to, the first night I escorted you, you told me not to let anyone touch you.I took it as a hard rule, meaninganyone.”
Her face darkens.“That ball was the first function I attended where there’d be potential buyers.I absolutely did not want any of them even looking at me.”
I nod.It makes sense.
“But all others were fair game?”
