Hayami opens her mouth, but I cut her off.“We don’t have time for you to argue with me.This might be the last chance I get to speak to you, so you’re going to listen to me, Hayami.”
She purses her lips.
“My sister was innocent.You’re innocent.Victims of this fucked-up world of gangs and guns.I’ve killed, done heinous things that can’t be forgiven.But you?You’ve done nothing—just like her—and yet you’ll die at the hands of a man who never deserved you, never deserved a wife or child.And you’re right: Taking your life is the only way you’ll defeat him, the only way to fuck him over for the final time.But it kills me, Hayami, to know that it has come to this, that this is the only way to be free of him.I swore to protect you with everything I have, with every fibre of my being.I’ll keep that promise.I won’t let you die alone.Without you, there’s nothing left for me.Without you, I don’t exist.”
* * *
HAYAMI
My knees are weak, my legs shaking against the railing, my hands numb from gripping the cold stone for so long.
He’s close now, close enough to take my hand.And I give it to him freely, because I know he understands, sees things the way I do, because there’s no other way.There’s only death, and I’ll be damned if my father gets to dish mine out.
If I am to die, it will be my way, my choice, my demise.
Heart-wrenching loss splinters my chest as Fenrir wraps his arm around my waist and places his head against my forehead.
“All I ask is one thing,” he says.I pull back and stare at him.“I’ve already thrown myself from one balcony when I jumped out of my burning home cradling my sister.I can’t do it again.I can’t leave this world that way, Hayami.There are other ways.Quick.Painless.We will die together.And we’ll remain in this house together forever.”He swallows hard as agony rips through my body.
I’m about to argue.He doesn’t need to die too.He doesn’t need to do this with me.But then I think about what my father will do to him.Fenrir isn’t stupid.
It’s the only way.
And I want to tell him that I wish things could have been different.I wish I’d met him in some other place, some other time, some other body, but there’s no point in making wishes that are never going to come true.Instead, I haul my leg over the balustrade, Fenrir tightening his grip as I regain my balance.Taking my hand, he leads me back into the bedroom, where we stop and hold each other.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
He places his thumb under my chin, tipping my head back.“What for?”
“For everything,” I begin.“For showing me what pleasure is, for making me feel things I only thought possible in books, for listening to me, for saving me.”I stroke the side of his face, my fingers tracing his scars.
“It’s been my duty, my honour, and my pleasure, Hayami Devall.”
He lowers his head and kisses me.Softly, gently.But I need more.This is going to be the last time I feel his mouth on mine, the last time I taste him, so I need to make it last.I pull him closer, press my body against his, and thrust my tongue into his mouth.
Why does this feel so right—like I belong here, like this is the place I’m meant to be?
We kiss for longer than we should, but it doesn’t matter.Nothing matters anymore other than the feel of his arms around me and his mouth upon mine.The wind blows through the open doors, the chill sprinkling the room in an eerie cold, yet all I feel is the warmth of Fenrir’s body, the heat from his mouth, and the pressure of his hold.
As he holds me, he says, “Hayami, before we do this, I need you to know that everything I’ve given you, everything I’ve shown you, has been real.You might think that I took you because I thought I was helping you, but it wasn’t just that.It was because I wanted you.I’ve wanted you from the moment I pulled you from that swimming pool.I’m not sure if you feel the same, but I’ll tell myself that you do.I want to be the only thing you think about, the only thing you breathe for, the only thing you live for, and the only thing you’re willing to die for, because you, Hayami, are already all of those things for me.I’m yours, Hayami.Always will be.Always have been.Now and even in death.You are my all.”
I bite my lip, tears pooling in the corners of my eyes.I can’t let him die not knowing.I can’t die without telling him.
“I’ve never been in love.I don’t know what it feels like.But if wanting to die in your arms is love, then please, hold me.”
My heart aches as his grip tightens around my waist.He tips my head back, wipes my tears with his thumb, and then places his hand around his back and produces the gun that’s been tucked into his waistband.
I pull back because I know what this means.
It’s time.
His eyes well with tears.
“I want to kiss you again,” I blurt.“I want to taste you as I die.I want my last breath to be yours.”
He stares at me before he speaks.“I’m not sure if I can pull the trigger, Hayami.I can kill myself, that isn’t a problem, but I can’t shoot you.I won’t be able to.”He passes me the gun.
“I can’t.”My voice wobbles as I shake my head, realising what he’s asking me to do.
