“I only have one gun, Hayami.One of us has to go first.”
I thought he’d shoot me, then himself.It never occurred to me how impossible that would be for him.Because if it were the other way around, I wouldn’t survive it either—not the sight of him falling, not the sound of his last exhale.I can’t take a breath in this world without him.
“I can’t do it,” I tell him.“I can’t watch you die.I can’t be in this world without you—not even for a heartbeat.”
And still—beneath the panic, beneath the grief—there’s the truth I can’t ignore: I don’t want to die.I don’t want to put that gun to my head.I want to live.I want to grow.I want to experience the world the way that I choose.And I choose him, because I don’t know how to live without him.
He nods as if understanding.
“Then we do it together.”He lets go of me, and I’m bereft at the loss of his touch.He disappears from the room.My heart thumps furiously inside my chest, reminding me it’s here, and it wants to beat, but only for him.
When he returns, he’s holding another gun.
He presses it into my hand.It feels cold, brutal, yet necessary.
Tears stream down my face as he strokes the side of my cheek and raises his gun to his head.
“You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.I’m ready to die for you, Hayami.Ready to give my life for you, because you’re the only thing worth living for.”The barrel pushes up against his temple, his finger tracing the trigger.
Something swirls in my stomach.It isn’t fear.I’ve been ready to end my life for so long, I’m not afraid of it.And I’ve felt fear, smelled it, tasted it when I saw what happened to Noa Devall at the hands of my father.I welcome death if that pain is the alternative.
What I feel is loss.
The loss of a life I could have had—the sadness at not being able to spend more time with the one man who’s shown me what living is, who’s taught me more than any of my college lectures, has shown me who I can be, who I want to be.
I just never got the chance to live that life.
“I love you,” I tell Fenrir, and he nods, a tear rolling down his cheek.I catch it with my thumb as I raise the gun to the side of my head and press it against my temple.
“Kiss me,” I tell him.
He lowers his head as my finger finds the trigger.His lips meet mine and I savour him, devour him.
The last thing I’ll feel, the last thing I’ll experience, the only place I want to be as my finger tightens on the trigger is with him.I need to fire my gun first.I can’t be a second behind.My last feeling can’t be of his dead body in my arms.
I look into his eyes.His beautiful eyes.
The only man I’ve ever loved.
The only man I will ever love.
My first and my last.
FIFTY-FIVE
FENRIR
PRESENT
The noise is soloud it shakes the house.There’s a second where I think Hayami has pulled the trigger, got there before me, but her body goes tense, not limp.Her fingers grip my forearm as I pull away from our kiss, and she lowers her gun.
Her eyes search my face, probably thinking the same as me, that I pulled my trigger and that was what the noise was.We remain where we’re standing, holding onto each other for dear life.
“Fenrir?”she says, her voice a light rasp as if she doesn’t trust it to be hers.
“I’m here.We’re both here,” I tell her, lowering my gun.
“That noise,” she says, glancing around the room.“What the hell was that?”
