“I can’t disagree on that score.” Noah tilted his head and studied me with a bit more insight than I was comfortable with. “Are you having reservations about marrying Amelia?”
I debated how to answer the question because I truly didn’t know the answer. As the date of our engagement crept closer, doubts started to set in. We’d been practically engaged since we were six years old, and neither of us questioned whether we wanted to get married. It simply was expected of us now. “I wanted to make sure it was the right decision for both of us. The reason I waited to propose after the season was that I wanted to give Amelia the opportunity to meet other gentlemen.”
“That was very chivalrous of you. Were you expecting her to, or was it a mere formality?” Noah crossed his arms before scratching at the underside of his chin. The fashionable charcoal coat fit his shoulders to perfection. “Or perhaps you, yourself, were looking to see if another lady was more suited for you?”
“No lady is suited for me,” I said.
“No lady?” he repeated my words, the interest in his eyes brighter.
Was the question innocent, or did he have a vested interest in my answer? I had guessed he might be receptive to me in a romantic manner, but if I were wrong, my life would be ruined.
“I mean no lady but Amelia. Indeed, no ladybutAmelia.” Panic continued to shoot through me at my ill-advised words, heat racing up my neck. I needed to change the course of the conversation and fast. “How did you know you wanted to marry Sally?”
“She and I fit well together,” he said with a shrug, pain brightening his eyes, along with gratitude. He cleared his throat and scuffed the toe of his boot on the grass. “Because of Sally, I have three healthy children.”
“You are truly blessed.” Sally had died three months after the twins were born, and the entire family felt her loss, including me. She had stood up for Amelia and always had a kind word to say to me.
“I was. I am.” He pressed his lips together, and my gaze went unbidden to his mouth. I ached to pull him tight to my body to comfort him. I curled my hands into fists, trying to curb the impulse. I needed to keep my wits about me and forget how attractive the man before me was.
He lifted heavy lashes, the golden flecks of his irises visible. I could stare into their depths forever. Was there no end to my shame? I tried to look away, but he held my gaze, a telling light obscuring his earlier sadness. My heart in my throat, I waited, breath held.
He gripped my shoulder and met my gaze directly. “You clearly have something on your mind. Just remember, I am available to talk anytime you’d like.”
Given my lustful musings over him, I wasn’t sure how wise it was. Noah had a unique insight into the family. Perhaps I could broach the subject without revealing my true reasons. “I would like that.”
“Well, we should get inside.” He released his hold on my shoulder and disappeared inside. He had a swagger to his step, and I tried to keep my line of vision focused on his head and not the other parts of his anatomy.
“Yes.” Two servants stood near the dining room, and I schooled my features to hide my true feelings. They were an observant lot. If anyone guessed the truth, I would bring ruin to my family and shame Amelia. Lady Ellen would be vile, especially after our confrontation. No matter how much I desired Noah, I had to be cautious at a time I wanted to throw caution to the wind.
Chapter Three
Lord Noah Peterson
I nodded to the servant on duty, eager to leave the dining room after a very uncomfortable lunch. Oliver had said his goodbyes and left soon after we’d finished eating. Since I lost my wife, I was prone to act on impulse. Oliver might be a duke, but his naïvety shone through. I couldn’t even be sure if he understood the hints I’d dropped. I hadn’t when I first dipped my toes into such dark waters. Luckily for me, I met a man while in France who introduced me to a world I had imagined but never experienced. His wife—a famous authoress—had added another layer to my experience, and the three of us spent a memorable month at their vineyard. I could be wrong about Oliver, but after the way he stared at me with lust in his eyes, I sensed I wasn’t. Nor could I miss the fact that he was in turmoil. Many queer men had similar issues.
Amelia exited the house, a wide-brimmed hat covering her hair, the pink ribbon complimenting her fair coloring. She’d been quiet throughout luncheon, which was very unusual for her.
She was another complication in my life, a dangerous one. My interest in Oliver was purely physical. Amelia threatened my heart. She’d been fifteen when she was sent to the country to finish her education. I was often out at sea; thus we hadn’t seen each other for close to two years. During that time, she’d gonefrom being a pretty girl to a desirable woman who challenged both my intelligence and my resolve to guard my heart.
“Are you all right?” I asked, moving to her side. The faint scent of roses and undertones of womanly warmth drifted on the breeze. Her skin was flawless with a smattering of freckles. It pained me to see her spirits low. It wasn’t in her nature to be morose, unlike Sally had been toward the end. I shifted on my feet, scrubbing my mind of those troubling thoughts. Amelia was in crisis. The sooner she married and could leave her parents’ house, the better off she’d be. Because of my situation, I had no plans to move out in the foreseeable future.
The earl had been gracious enough to give Sally our own wing in their London mansion upon our marriage. Since I was out to sea often, it made sense for her to live with her parents. As a widower with fifteen-month-old twins and a rambunctious four-year-old, having the family’s support was vital.
“If by all right you mean I am not humiliated by my mother, then yes, I am fine.” The corner of her mouth lifted in a sardonic smile, and she lowered her lashes, blocking her eyes from my view. Amelia carried a slight resemblance to Sally, but not enough that I could ever mistake the two women. My wife was blonde whereas Amelia had red locks like her mother. Except Lady Ellen had turned grey after the death of her eldest. She was a mere shell of her former self, but I couldn’t fault her. Losing Sally had torn out a piece of my soul.
