Where would we be if I had made a different choice? Would she be married to me right now? Would we have our own little children running around?
I have no way of knowing because I made the choice I did, and it led us here. I can’t lose her. I refuse to let her go without a fight.
I drop to my knees in front of her, gripping her hips as I press my face into her stomach.
“Please don’t leave me. Don’t date anymore. Don’t take the job. Choose me. Please. I know I fucked up. I always fuck up. I don’t know how to do any of this. I don’t date. I don’t know how to make the woman I love know that I love her. I am doing my best. I am doing everything for you. Please.”
She sucks in a breath. “I don’t even know what that means. What have you done for me? What is going on? This is part of the problem. You have been keeping secrets, and I have too. This isn’t us. This isn’t how it was supposed to be. We are best friends. We should know everything. Especially if we are going to venture into something more than friends, but instead we retreated. We aren’t being open and honest. How can anything last when we can’t even tell each other the truth?”
Pulling back, I look up into her face.
I fucked up. I should have told her before now. I thought she would be happy, but she’s not. She’s going to be hurt, and I can’t stop it.
I made the wrong decision, and I can’t change it.
I need to tell her the truth.
“We are moving the company to Boston. We are moving back home.”
Her tears come faster as she starts to sob.
“Please. I wanted to surprise you. I didn’t want you to get your hopes up in case I couldn’t make it happen. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“But you did,” she sobs. “You kept that from me. I could have helped you prepare. I could have been a support for you. You spent over a month conducting interviews and lying to me. Youkept me in the dark. This isn’t some small thing. This change will affect my whole life. I could have taken that London job, not knowing that I could have had a chance to go home. I don’t know if I even want to work for you anymore. How can I? All the trust is gone.”
“Please, Iris. I did it for you. For us. I saw how unhappy you are here. I wanted to bring you back home.”
She lets her head fall to her chest as I hug her legs to me. My own tears fill my eyes as she sobs.
This isn’t how this was supposed to go. This was supposed to be a happy thing. Now it’s another reason for her to want to leave me.
“I can’t do this, Max. I don’t want to do this anymore.”
“Please don’t do this. Don’t leave me,” I beg, my pride long gone.
I would do anything to keep her.
“I wish it was that simple. I need to process all of this, and I need to do it alone. I need you to leave, Max.”
“I don’t want to leave you like this,” I admit.
“It’s not about what you want.” She sucks in a breath. “It’s about what I need.”
She’s right. Of course she’s right.
I hug her to me, hating that my tears are staining her blouse. Then I stand in front of her. I cup her cheek, kissing her forehead. “I love you, Iris. I always have and always will. You are the only woman I have truly loved.”
Without another word, I leave her behind, locking the door behind me.
I hate how today turned out. I was so excited to come over and tell her we were going home. Now I see that I made a mistake. I should have told her a long time ago.
Hindsight is always twenty-twenty. Sometimes I hate that I can’t always understand social things. I should have told herwhen everyone else told me to. I was too far in my head to see the truth.
I kept it a secret for me. I was scared that I would lose her. It’s the same reason I never told her how I felt.
Sure, the first year or two it was inappropriate, but when she became equal with me, I could have stepped forward, but I let fear rule me. I pushed the feelings away.
Now she’s sobbing in her apartment, alone, while I stand outside wondering where the fuck I went wrong. How could I have fucked it up so badly? I missed too many signs, and now I really dug myself a hole.
